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Frustrated and angry... What do I do next??

(12 Posts)
FairySouth Fri 29-Jul-16 22:05:39

I just don't know what to do next....

Husband is unemployed and has been for about 9 months. As he was a teacher he did do some intermittent supply work but not much.
He's now made the decision a few months ago to leave teaching and I wholly agree and support him but at the moment we are just going nowhere. He has started training in another field but still has no work.

We are going round in this vicious circle of me trying to "help" him to make progress, him telling me how hard it is, me getting frustrated because I think although things are hard for him it feels he can be lazy at times etc etc.

I told him tonight that I thought he could do with some personal counselling (he is on ADs and goes to a group session to learn coping strategies) he told me he didn't want to do that. So I said I wanted to know what his plan is, what's his next move? Like always his answer was I don't know.
I just can't cope. I suffer from anxiety and depression (also on ADs), our marriage is rocky (he cheated last year) and we have a young daughter.
I am also trying to retrain as I don't like my job but even though I work full time and feel I do more of the childcare I am going faster than him.

What do I do? How can I get him to get off his backside and move forward? How do I make him answer questions without using the term "maybe" or "don't know"?

I am not a strong person and can't do all the ultimatum stuff. I genuinely feel bad for him (losing his job wasn't his fault) but am also angry that he is not fighting harder to get out of this.
I don't think I could kick him out etc but am at a loss of what my next move is.
I've told him I just can't cope with these constant cycles and he just huffs and puffs like a child, walks off and tells me I've ruined our evening as I dared to bring up "the elephant in the room"
I know my family and his are worried about him (as am i) and they are worried about me I think because our life is hard as a by product of what he is going through. But none of them know he cheated and what I've gone through. As I've had to suffer in silence and now be the rock in our life.

Am I just being a b*#@h? Should I be more sympathetic and supportive?
I just can't tell who I am and what's going on any more.


Doinmummy Fri 29-Jul-16 22:10:13

He's bloody lucky you chose to stick with him after he cheated . The least he can do is pull his finger out , knuckle down and show he is making massive efforts to sort his life out .

It sounds to me as if he doesn't actually want to retrain .

If you can muster the strength I really think you do need to give him an ultimatum .

Iflyaway Fri 29-Jul-16 22:19:48

You sound like you are carrying the whole relationship. What with a job and a child to take care of, you cannot take care of him as well going on with this.

You have to make a decision. How many more years of this are you willing to put up with?

He can huff and puff all he wants. It's just his way of dodging out of reality. Time to shape up or ship out I would say.

Single parenthood - I am one - is always easier than having a relationship with a partner and grown man who won't pull his weight.

HeddaGarbled Fri 29-Jul-16 22:42:07

If he is depressed then he may not be able to answer your questions and make plans and be proactive at the moment. If it weren't for the cheating, I would say back off, stop pushing him and questioning him and give him time to recover and get back on track.

However, the cheating changes everything. He shat all over your marriage and you and your family and now you are holding the whole sorry mess together on your own. Well sod that. Tell him it's counselling or divorce because you can't do this on your own. Are you getting any counselling yourself?

FairySouth Sat 30-Jul-16 08:13:10

This is what worries me. Is his depression causing him not to be able to function so incapable of making progress or am I just using his current mental state as an excuse for him.

We own and home and have a young dd so need the money. My salary doesn't cover it all and I already budget like crazy (yes it's me who does the shopping list each week so it is only £20-25)
We currently spend £200 a month more than is coming in and are dipping into savings.
We can't afford to go anywhere or do anything. I wanted to take my daughter on the train but I can't justify spending the money. I can't even afford to replace my ripped jeans now.

I know what he is going through is awful but we just don't have the luxury of him not having a job and nothing I do or say seems to motivate him. He just keeps saying that he understands the situation we are in but doesn't seem to actually try and formulate a plan (we need a, b, c and d options) to make sure we get out of this mess.

He won't even call his union regarding resolving his termination (we just want to know if we should proceed legally) but he will just email once a week and even though they don't reply he won't call and chase etc. He seems to think they are doing their best but it's been 9 months!!

I work long hours and am shattered (with trying to study on top of my dd too) yet it feels like if I'm sat down resting he feels he can too yet when I'm at work I'm confident he doesn't spend the whole day working hard at home. There is a major imbalance.

I don't want to make the wrong choice and destroy our marriage but I'm struggling to cope and can't last much longer how we are.

FairySouth Sat 30-Jul-16 08:15:14

Oh and hedda no counselling at the moment but will be asking gp what's available at the next check up in 2 weeks.
I've gone privately previously and find I'm very open and honest initially but after a few weeks I start pretending I am doing OK and say all the right things to look like I'm better and then I stop going as there seems no point.

Lweji Sat 30-Jul-16 08:25:25

After the cheating I don't think I'd be able to support the cheater on an indefinite career break.
Why has he decided to leave teaching? And are you sure it wasn't his fault he was let go?

He needs to step up and be told so. If the ADs aren't working he should review them with his doctor.

I really wouldn't want to be with a cheating cocklodger (as he looks increasingly). Sorry.

FairySouth Sat 30-Jul-16 09:08:35

Don't think it was his fault with his job. Got a new role, bad ref from last job meant they terminated his contract. His ref has now been amended as only evidence available contradicts the original ref they gave, but unfortunately far too late to save his job.

I don't think he wants to put all that effort in with no reward. Teaching didn't give him the security he wanted, was draining, didn't get weekends off, missed out on spending time with us etc.
I think he saw how hard it was on me too (I think I complained a bit too much) as I ended up doing 90% of housework and childcare as he had so much school stuff to do.

I'm struggling with the support knowing he cheated (I am pretty sure it was groping etc but evidence points to no sex even though cheating is still cheating)

Hotwaterbottle1 Sat 30-Jul-16 11:35:38

I know you are not meaning to but I think you are enabling his behaviour by doing everything and I know things need to be done so catch 22. I think your only way is to give him an ultimatum, maybe a letter if you hate confrontation. He could do a temporary job surely whilst retraining?

Cabrinha Sat 30-Jul-16 14:37:27

He cheated. He doesn't deserve anything from you.

FairySouth Sat 30-Jul-16 15:50:35

I think that yes I am enabling him to behave in this way but I just don't know what ultimatum I can give that won't push him over the edge but will encourage him to do something.
I really do feel it's catch 22.
Im not good at these things at all.

Hotwaterbottle1 Sat 30-Jul-16 16:02:45

You must tell him how you feel and unless he looks for a job & contributes you have to consider separation until he can sort himself out. You have to do something or it's going to get worse I'm afraid.

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