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AIBU to want to stop the other woman seeing my child

(17 Posts)
Rix456 Fri 29-Jul-16 21:35:37

I was with my husband 13 years (married 2 together 11), to cut a long story short my husband starting acting differently back in October, I was 7 months pregnant, I put it down to baby nerves, but you just know when something isn't right. He just changed overnight, he went from my loving husband to a distant moody horrible man.
So my dd was born in December, things didn't change the first 10 days of her life he would leave the house at any given opportunity and was simply awful to me. I couldn't take anymore and did some snooping, found messages he sent another woman (while I was in labour) declaring their love for one another! I confronted him, he denied anything. He stayed for another 2 months, all the while it carried on, the final straw came when he said he was going out with a friend but the next day I found cinema tickets in his pockets and he confirmed he had been with her. I threw him out that morning.
I'm not going to lie it has been HARD, it has taken me so long to get over this (not sure I am yet) my maternity leave has been ruined and a time where I should be enjoying my dd has been tainted by a sordid affair. Anyway they have since come out as being in a relationship! He told me months ago they were together, it has pretty much destroyed me. Anyway our latest arguement is over meeting the other woman, I don't want my baby to ever meet this person, it simply destroys me to think of her having anything to do with my baby. I have never stopped him seeing our baby girl, even though many occasions he cancels or changes our set days because he has other plans (with the new girlfriend)... Am I being completely unreasonable sad

PeppasNanna Fri 29-Jul-16 21:57:41

On MN they will probably tell you, YABU but I totally understand where your coming from.

I wouldn't let your dp have the baby on his own for a good while yet. Hes already shown himself to be unreliable so i would play on that.

The ow might be gone in a few months, why expose your dc to a person that was fundemantial in the break down of your family?

I would be very clear with your dp about how lucky he is to have access to your dc & he shouldn't abuse it by being unreliable.

Kungfupandaworksout16 Fri 29-Jul-16 21:58:49

I know it's hard. But you can't technically stop him unless you deem her a danger and that you'd have to prove. But him being a man shouldn't want her involved yet, he should get that bond with his child first. Maybe try a civilised talk about how he needs a bond first before introducing her to strangers. But for all you know they could last for the next 20 years, you can't forbid her from being near her for that time. The love for your daughter should over power your hatred of him.

Poppins27 Fri 29-Jul-16 22:02:32

I completely sympathise with you and would absolutely feel the same. I'm not sure that's the 'right' way to be but I couldn't imagine feeling any other way flowers

Muddlingalongalone Fri 29-Jul-16 22:17:08

Completely know where you are coming from. flowers & yanbu to feel the way you do but unfortunately you can't stop him, although at a very young age short frequent visits are recommended ahead of overnights etc away from primary carer.

My story was almost identical & over a year later I cried at work today on my poor unsuspecting colleague because DD1 is with him and her for 2 weeks for the summer & I didn't have children to look after them on a part-time basis & do things without me. I hate him immeasurably but I hate her even more & it kills me every time dd1 comes home & says x said this & x did that.

It does get easier with time though - enjoy your baby but get proper access agreed on your terms.

Alisvolatpropiis Fri 29-Jul-16 22:19:26

You're not being at all unreasonable but there's nothing you can do, legally speaking, to prevent it.

I'm sorry you've been through this and entirely understand why you feel as you do, I would too.

SharonfromEON Fri 29-Jul-16 22:25:59

Firstly YANBU to want this woman to have nothing to do with your child.. What is contact at this stage?
It is something unavoidable if they continue.....
It will hurt but can I advise if he keeps cancelling then keep a note of these dates and excuse.

bobbinpop Fri 29-Jul-16 22:32:52

YANBU! I had a similar experience. Luckily, they spilt up soon after but I would have fought hard to avoid it!

I really feel for you. I assure you it gets easier, and you are well shot of that one!

Zuccarelli Fri 29-Jul-16 22:56:48

Yanbu at all. He didn't even give a shit about his daughter when she was being born. Him texting ow during labour shows he put ow above his daughter.

Contact should be little and often and on your terms. Document every time he doesn't show up, is late or cancels plans just in case. There is no need for her to meet your dd at all.

Hubnut Fri 29-Jul-16 23:30:14

So sorry you had such a massively shit time. I went through similar and insisted ds didn't meet ow. But it meant ex was spending time with ds walking round shopping mall. Not practical or basis for quality time so I relented. I got no thanks for it but feels like a necessary evil. X

CantGetYouOutOfMyHead Sat 30-Jul-16 00:41:49

Sorry you are going through this. I feel your pain and will be watching to see others' responses. X

Trashbox Sat 30-Jul-16 03:20:31


However, your do was the one who cheated, not her.

Rix456 Sat 30-Jul-16 07:19:02

Thanks, I know I have no legal standing when it comes to this. He just thinks I'm being irrational, and I don't think I am, sure he would feel the Same had the shoe been on the other foot.

He currently has her overnight everyother weekend and on the Sunday alternate weekends. I put the agreement in place as he was spending no quality time with her. But it's a case of picking her up last thing on a Friday and dropping her off first thing, last weekend she was back with me by 8:30am (I'm not complaining though, I miss her terribly and love her coming back asap). I know he hasn't introduced them yet as he takes her to his mams and I'm still quite close with his family. Just idea of her and him playing happy families when I think of what they ruined, drives me mad. I know that it was my husband, but she also did it, she works with him and was fully aware of the fact that he was a) married and b) I was heavily pregnant! I had met her the previous summer whilst helping my husband at work. i completely agree that he needs to bond with her first. He just can't see it.

Dutchcourage Sat 30-Jul-16 07:28:44

However, your do was the one who cheated, not her hmm she played a bloody big part in it!

Op YANBU, what a wanker angry

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Sat 30-Jul-16 07:42:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rix456 Sat 30-Jul-16 08:01:51

Thanks, I know exactly where you are coming from. It kills me to think of her ever having something to do with my dd. all I can think is what kind of woman would do that to another woman when she's sat at home being heavily pregnant, I will never get over the fact that I spent my babies first Christmas crying, most of her first few months have been spent with this huge cloud over it! I know that eventually she will meet her, but for now I don't think she should, and to be honest I don't even get why she would want to. What kind of person does that? A good rant does you good. Their relationship has always been put ahead of the relationship he has with our dd, a perfect example is that the ow is currently out of the country and he thinks it's ok to play daddy a lot more this week, upsetting her routine all because she's away, I'm 100% certain this will end next week when she's back and he is again too busy to put his daughter above his ow. I completely understand that I shouldn't blame her she didn't have the affair but I do, she knew what she was getting into... It's bloody rubbish the whole situation.

SharonfromEON Sat 30-Jul-16 09:38:06

When my ex had an affair ( no children so easier) my anger was firmly based with him.. He was the one who made the commitment to me.. I didn't like the woman but either she was a very vicious cow or fed a lot of bullshit... It is not like he was a great deal, heavily pregnant wife is not what most dream of..
It was easier to be angry with him though like I say I didn't have to see him.. That doesn't mean in this situation I would want her playing happily families either..
It is a crap situation created by your ex

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