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Have you managed to improve a long & almost depleted relationship?6

(18 Posts)
PeppasNanna Fri 29-Jul-16 21:09:44

Been with dp 17 years. 4 dc. Never been married. Don't own a home, in fact don't even share a bank account!

Personally I think the relationship has run its course. Dp doesnt agree.

If you were in a relationship, that was on its knees, how did you improve it?

Thanks.

Wineoclockinwales Fri 29-Jul-16 21:38:00

If there is nothing fundamentally wrong with the relationship could it be improved with a conscious effort to do acts of kindness for each other ? How old is your youngest , has there been a change in the dynamic s recently?

PeppasNanna Fri 29-Jul-16 21:45:00

The youngest is 2.5.
I do lots of nice things for dp.
He'd barely make me a cup of tea.

Change of dynamic?
No apart from me being past caring.

There's nothing fundamentally wrong or right iykwim?

PeppasNanna Sat 30-Jul-16 12:18:55

Bump

bobbymc Sat 30-Jul-16 12:40:13

There's a really good long running thread here about people leaving marriages that aren't AWFUl. I know you're not married, but issues seems to be similar?

gildedcage Sat 30-Jul-16 12:41:35

I don't think there's anything you can do by yourself. The moves need to be from him as well.

Just reading between the lines you sound tired, a bit drained by the relationship as is. You feel it has run its course but he wants to stay together, biggest onus is on him then to do something I'd say.

Does he help you much at home?

PaperdollCartoon Sat 30-Jul-16 12:42:35

Have you said 'I do lots of nice things for you, you don't even make me a cup of tea'? Does he know what's lead you to feeling this way? Has he changed as a person or has he always been this way?

overthehillandroundthemountain Sat 30-Jul-16 12:43:29

Nope! Been with mine nearly 15 years and it could bumble on, but I am very unhappy.

It's taking a lot of Relate. His unkindness is becoming more apparent to me. It could improve via therapy at Relate, but I am beyond that. So it will take time, but I think separation is likely. Sometimes you need a vision for the future, and that vision makes you happier than the current reality. Good luck, OP.

PeppasNanna Sat 30-Jul-16 13:38:42

I was more looking for ways people improved their relationship.

Or is it the end of the line?

Hes much more enthusiastic about the relationship then i am but we're both not happy rather than unhappy.

We have nothing in common.
No social life.
No friends in common.
No sex life.
No companionship...

gildedcage Sat 30-Jul-16 13:45:41

I just don't think it's possible to make changes to a relationship with only one person trying. It's something that you both have to work with.

I have heard of a book called the love dares, I haven't read it and I can't vouch for how good it is but I have heard others mention it as a way to put a relationship back on track. Perhaps have a little look and see if it sounds like something you're interested in.

I just don't think it will succeed long term unless you're both invested.

overthehillandroundthemountain Sat 30-Jul-16 19:43:35

I agree with Gildedcage Unless you both make changes (and from your list, it looks like a substantial number would be needed), you won't be going anywhere. It's easy to be enthusiastic about keeping a relationship going - especially where one party is 'getting it good'.

If you're both not happy, then maybe he will also be motivated to address it. You could consider:
What brought you together? Can you go back to that?
What is stopping you leaving? What is keeping you there?
How can you change the things you highlight?
Could you introduce things in common? Could you address the lack of sex? Could you start doing things/having friends in common?

If there is no abuse, etc. and you're finding it hard to talk, maybe try some sessions with a counsellor to discuss the above. Sounds promising if you're both feeling like this.

smilingeyes11 Sat 30-Jul-16 21:13:34

I think so much is fundamentally wrong, I don't see how you could fix it. You don't sound like you want to either tbh.

RandomMess Sat 30-Jul-16 21:32:04

Will you both commit on deciding on how to improve one or two of those things and doing them?

A decision to be more sociable with others via going to pub quiz weekly, or some joint hobby. Spending a couple of evenings per week doing something together at home - playing cards or scrabble so you can chat no TV no electronics distracting?

Inviting people you know around for an evening or at the weekend to try and develop some mutual friends?

PeppasNanna Sat 30-Jul-16 23:36:30

We have 4dc, 2 with SN so socialising togethet is now almost impossible. We've nothing in common. He drinks, i dont. He likes pubs, i don't. I used to organise babysitters but since I stopped, we've been out once, in the last 4 years.

I've totally changed since we met. He hasn't.

He thinks he does more then enough. Thst hes supportive & a good partner. I thjnk he doesn't do enough. Hes not supportive & a disappointing partner.

The sex side of things is down to me. I am not attracted to dp in the slightest. Hes very very over weight. Hes gone from wearing 36' trousers to 48'. I am the same size.

We've split up before but i end up giving in as I've no help with the dc. I also feel guilty that dp will is on his own.

PeppasNanna Sat 30-Jul-16 23:37:41

I am the same size i was 17 years ago...not the ssme size as dp!! grin

ImperialBlether Sun 31-Jul-16 11:04:09

Well, if you do split up then presumably for a couple of evenings a week, at least, he will have the children on his own. All of them. How would he cope with that, do you think?

lifeofsiam Sun 31-Jul-16 11:16:26

When dh and I have gone through rocky patches (inevitable in a long relationship imho) we each ask ourselves 'am I up on this deal?'.

For each of us, the answer has always been 'yes' (taking into account our shared desire to do the best for our now-adult dc and how expensive the alternatives are both emotionally and financially). We've come close to splitting though.

But, we have somehow been able to reconnect and work on the problems to get to a better place. A lot of the time stress and pressure has been much of the issue, and we realise the grass isn't greener elsewhere. It' also good to think about what first attracted you to each other and go back to some shared interests, or find new ones.

It takes two to work on it though, and if your dp won't sit down, take your issues seriously and work together, then I can't see an alternative but for you to split as amicably as possible with the best interests of your dc at your centre.

You sound as though you're both under terrific pressure and need to find quiet time together to talk, and maybe reconnect.

DorindaJ Sun 31-Jul-16 13:28:25

Only you can gauge whether this relationship has run it's course. Ask yourself, if I didn't have children with this bloke would I still be with him? If the answer if 'no' it's game over. I don't think there is much mileage in flogging a dead horse, you are allowed to end the relationship, he will have to parent his children without your scaffolding things to make is easy for him. It isn't the easiest solution, but in the long term, it is the more viable one.

If the relationship is over, it's over.

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