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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Finances when moving in together

83 replies

TooManyButtons · 29/07/2016 19:34

I'm having tentative talks with DP about the prospect of him moving in. DD is going off to uni in September, I have no other children, so most of the time it would just me me and DP. I own my own home, and wouldn't expect him to contribute to the mortgage, however would expect him to contribute fairly.

He doesn't earn much, I earn a bit (but not much) more. He's basically told me after he's paid his child maintenance/loan/petrol, he'll be able to give me £200 per month.

I know I sound like a heartless money grabber, but that's really not enough. Effectively I'd be subsidising him, and it worries me about the future. He'd have no spare money so holidays etc would mean me paying for us both. If (in the future) we decided to buy a house together, he wouldn't be able to contribute towards the mortgage.

Am I being a selfish bitch, or is it a non starter?

OP posts:

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MatildaTheCat · 29/07/2016 19:36

How does he manage now?

Drquin · 29/07/2016 19:40

Simplistically, is £200 what it costs him for his current accommodation & bills?
If it is, then I guess fair enough that maybe is all his income can support in the way of accommodation / bills.

If it's not, then how does he afford more today on his own?

It's not unreasonable for a higher earner (even slightly) to contribute more financially to the household ..... But "fair" and "equal" are different for everyone.

Drquin · 29/07/2016 19:40

Simplistically, is £200 what it costs him for his current accommodation & bills?
If it is, then I guess fair enough that maybe is all his income can support in the way of accommodation / bills.

If it's not, then how does he afford more today on his own?

It's not unreasonable for a higher earner (even slightly) to contribute more financially to the household ..... But "fair" and "equal" are different for everyone.

Misselthwaite · 29/07/2016 19:44

He lives somewhere that his rent, bills and council tax is £200? I'd move in with him if I were you!

TooManyButtons · 29/07/2016 19:59

He's lodging with his sister at the moment. . I guess I am being unreasonable. It just feels like I'd end up being financially responsible for him, and having to make all the decisions about money, which if I'm completely honest is one if the things I was hoping would be shared with a partner.

OP posts:

Trills · 29/07/2016 20:10

It might sound callous but I don't think I would choose to be in a relationship with a grown man in good health who was not capable of supporting himself.

Trills · 29/07/2016 20:11

Is this a temporary situation? Has some unfortunate accident befallen him? Was he made redundant? Or is "needing someone else to let him stay in their house for free" his usual state of existence?

Pearlman · 29/07/2016 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertNErnie · 29/07/2016 20:12

In all honesty I don't think I'd go through with it. If you have these worries now (which are very valid ones) then I suspect they will still be there after he has moved in and the reality of it sets in. It's a difficult one. You don't want to resent him in the future and he has put all his cards on the table now so he either finds a new job or ups his hours to earn more, you accept his contribution or you stay as is?

Do you go on holidays now? If so how does he afford them? I'm assuming he pays his sister the same amount each month.

43percentburnt · 29/07/2016 20:19

Nope, I wouldn't move in with him - this will lead to resentment.

What plans does he have to be able to support himself in the future? Does he really only have £200 a month after car, maintenance, petrol? Does this £200 include food?

milpool · 29/07/2016 20:23

Yeah that sounds like bollocks to me. £200 is ridiculously low. Does he expect that to cover bills and food?!

TooManyButtons · 29/07/2016 20:24

His take home is £1200. Maintenance is c. £300 (3 kids), loan £300, petrol £200. He says if he can keep £50 a week I can have the rest, ie £200.

OP posts:

43percentburnt · 29/07/2016 20:25

When does the loan end?

milpool · 29/07/2016 20:26

Um nope that still sounds ridiculous to me.

Unless you tell him that he pays for his food out of that £50 a week...

Pootlebug · 29/07/2016 20:27

What is the loan for and when will it be paid off?

43percentburnt · 29/07/2016 20:28

I Definately wouldn't - I have a friend who would love to have £50 for 'herself' a week, but unfortunately she has to buy food, buy electric and pay her landlord - pesky bills! Fuck his food and your increased council tax bill will probably be £50 a week!

LadyB49 · 29/07/2016 20:29

He can't afford to move in with you. I see resentment for the future if he does.
Just be honest with him.

Overthinker2016 · 29/07/2016 20:29

Is it possible to split the bills proportionally?

If you don't expect him to pay towards mortgage can you list here what you need him to pay towards. Ie what are your bills.

Could he give us his car and you share a car?

FinallyHere · 29/07/2016 20:30

I'd suggest he stays with the lowest cost option until he has paid off his loans, then reassess.

Id also be interested in why he earns so little. Is he self employed, working lots of hours but a bit clueless when pricing up jobs? Or still a student, investing in his skills or creative, producing something which has not yet found a market? This, and what he was doing about it, would matter to me.

trappedinsuburbia · 29/07/2016 20:30

It depends how serious you are about him and your long term future.
The loan won't last forever unless he's likely to get another one straight after, the child maintenance won't last forever although I presume a good few years yet.
What about car repairs/insurance/mot/tax - whose £200 is that meant to come out of - the £200 he gives you or the £200 he keeps?

Girlsthatsing · 29/07/2016 20:31

If he didn't live with his sister he wouldn't be able to survive would he? Eg if he had rent, council tax etc to pay.

I don't think its a very good deal for you and could lead to a lot of resentment. I wouldn't mind subsidising someone temporarily eg if they were finishing their studies but in your situation I would want more from the arrangement.

VimFuego101 · 29/07/2016 20:33

How does he manage now? He sounds like he's in a lot of debt if that's really all he has left over. I wouldn't want him to move in until those debts are sorted.

200 pounds will cover food/gas/electric but not much else. What if you want to go on holiday or buy new furniture/save for a deposit for a house - will you cover that for him? it doesn't sound like he will be able to afford it. Also, if he's paying child support then presumably he has children - that 200 pounds won't cover the costs of their food/electric if they come to stay with you.

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TooManyButtons · 29/07/2016 20:33

I think the loan is a consolidation loan to clear credit card debts - it's got 5 years left to run.

I think my biggest concern isn't so much the amount he can contribute, it's the fact that all the money worries will still be left to me. He hands over his £200 a month, has guaranteed disposable income, happy days. Meanwhile, the gas/electric direct debit increases? My problem. The fridge breaks? Up to me to replace it. Week before payday food shop? Up to me to budget for it.

OP posts:

Pearlman · 29/07/2016 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MardyGrave · 29/07/2016 20:37

What's his work situation like? Is there any prospect or desire from him to be earning more?

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