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Finances when moving in together

(84 Posts)
TooManyButtons Fri 29-Jul-16 19:34:09

I'm having tentative talks with DP about the prospect of him moving in. DD is going off to uni in September, I have no other children, so most of the time it would just me me and DP. I own my own home, and wouldn't expect him to contribute to the mortgage, however would expect him to contribute fairly.

He doesn't earn much, I earn a bit (but not much) more. He's basically told me after he's paid his child maintenance/loan/petrol, he'll be able to give me £200 per month.

I know I sound like a heartless money grabber, but that's really not enough. Effectively I'd be subsidising him, and it worries me about the future. He'd have no spare money so holidays etc would mean me paying for us both. If (in the future) we decided to buy a house together, he wouldn't be able to contribute towards the mortgage.

Am I being a selfish bitch, or is it a non starter?

MatildaTheCat Fri 29-Jul-16 19:36:17

How does he manage now?

Drquin Fri 29-Jul-16 19:40:22

Simplistically, is £200 what it costs him for his current accommodation & bills?
If it is, then I guess fair enough that maybe is all his income can support in the way of accommodation / bills.

If it's not, then how does he afford more today on his own?

It's not unreasonable for a higher earner (even slightly) to contribute more financially to the household ..... But "fair" and "equal" are different for everyone.

Drquin Fri 29-Jul-16 19:40:23

Simplistically, is £200 what it costs him for his current accommodation & bills?
If it is, then I guess fair enough that maybe is all his income can support in the way of accommodation / bills.

If it's not, then how does he afford more today on his own?

It's not unreasonable for a higher earner (even slightly) to contribute more financially to the household ..... But "fair" and "equal" are different for everyone.

Misselthwaite Fri 29-Jul-16 19:44:37

He lives somewhere that his rent, bills and council tax is £200? I'd move in with him if I were you!

TooManyButtons Fri 29-Jul-16 19:59:03

He's lodging with his sister at the moment. <sigh>. I guess I am being unreasonable. It just feels like I'd end up being financially responsible for him, and having to make all the decisions about money, which if I'm completely honest is one if the things I was hoping would be shared with a partner.

Trills Fri 29-Jul-16 20:10:37

It might sound callous but I don't think I would choose to be in a relationship with a grown man in good health who was not capable of supporting himself.

Trills Fri 29-Jul-16 20:11:48

Is this a temporary situation? Has some unfortunate accident befallen him? Was he made redundant? Or is "needing someone else to let him stay in their house for free" his usual state of existence?

Pearlman Fri 29-Jul-16 20:12:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertNErnie Fri 29-Jul-16 20:12:28

In all honesty I don't think I'd go through with it. If you have these worries now (which are very valid ones) then I suspect they will still be there after he has moved in and the reality of it sets in. It's a difficult one. You don't want to resent him in the future and he has put all his cards on the table now so he either finds a new job or ups his hours to earn more, you accept his contribution or you stay as is?

Do you go on holidays now? If so how does he afford them? I'm assuming he pays his sister the same amount each month.

43percentburnt Fri 29-Jul-16 20:19:58

Nope, I wouldn't move in with him - this will lead to resentment.

What plans does he have to be able to support himself in the future? Does he really only have £200 a month after car, maintenance, petrol? Does this £200 include food?

milpool Fri 29-Jul-16 20:23:29

Yeah that sounds like bollocks to me. £200 is ridiculously low. Does he expect that to cover bills and food?!

TooManyButtons Fri 29-Jul-16 20:24:23

His take home is £1200. Maintenance is c. £300 (3 kids), loan £300, petrol £200. He says if he can keep £50 a week I can have the rest, ie £200.

43percentburnt Fri 29-Jul-16 20:25:24

When does the loan end?

milpool Fri 29-Jul-16 20:26:44

Um nope that still sounds ridiculous to me.

Unless you tell him that he pays for his food out of that £50 a week...

Pootlebug Fri 29-Jul-16 20:27:57

What is the loan for and when will it be paid off?

43percentburnt Fri 29-Jul-16 20:28:21

I Definately wouldn't - I have a friend who would love to have £50 for 'herself' a week, but unfortunately she has to buy food, buy electric and pay her landlord - pesky bills! Fuck his food and your increased council tax bill will probably be £50 a week!

LadyB49 Fri 29-Jul-16 20:29:01

He can't afford to move in with you. I see resentment for the future if he does.
Just be honest with him.

Overthinker2016 Fri 29-Jul-16 20:29:26

Is it possible to split the bills proportionally?

If you don't expect him to pay towards mortgage can you list here what you need him to pay towards. Ie what are your bills.

Could he give us his car and you share a car?

FinallyHere Fri 29-Jul-16 20:30:08

I'd suggest he stays with the lowest cost option until he has paid off his loans, then reassess.

Id also be interested in why he earns so little. Is he self employed, working lots of hours but a bit clueless when pricing up jobs? Or still a student, investing in his skills or creative, producing something which has not yet found a market? This, and what he was doing about it, would matter to me.

trappedinsuburbia Fri 29-Jul-16 20:30:56

It depends how serious you are about him and your long term future.
The loan won't last forever unless he's likely to get another one straight after, the child maintenance won't last forever although I presume a good few years yet.
What about car repairs/insurance/mot/tax - whose £200 is that meant to come out of - the £200 he gives you or the £200 he keeps?

Girlsthatsing Fri 29-Jul-16 20:31:05

If he didn't live with his sister he wouldn't be able to survive would he? Eg if he had rent, council tax etc to pay.

I don't think its a very good deal for you and could lead to a lot of resentment. I wouldn't mind subsidising someone temporarily eg if they were finishing their studies but in your situation I would want more from the arrangement.

VimFuego101 Fri 29-Jul-16 20:33:11

How does he manage now? He sounds like he's in a lot of debt if that's really all he has left over. I wouldn't want him to move in until those debts are sorted.

200 pounds will cover food/gas/electric but not much else. What if you want to go on holiday or buy new furniture/save for a deposit for a house - will you cover that for him? it doesn't sound like he will be able to afford it. Also, if he's paying child support then presumably he has children - that 200 pounds won't cover the costs of their food/electric if they come to stay with you.

TooManyButtons Fri 29-Jul-16 20:33:12

I think the loan is a consolidation loan to clear credit card debts - it's got 5 years left to run.

I think my biggest concern isn't so much the amount he can contribute, it's the fact that all the money worries will still be left to me. He hands over his £200 a month, has guaranteed disposable income, happy days. Meanwhile, the gas/electric direct debit increases? My problem. The fridge breaks? Up to me to replace it. Week before payday food shop? Up to me to budget for it.

Pearlman Fri 29-Jul-16 20:33:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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