I have left, had to leave by stealth, have DCs...
I am a mess inside and what was quiet determination to change mine and the DCs life for the better has become a knot of guilt and fear. I've suffered EA and FA for years, though ex would laugh his head off at the thought of being abusive as he just doesn't see it. I got used to it and just stopped standing up for myself or complaining and so he always thought it was fine but I was trying to avoid the fights for the sake of me and the DC.
I have ploughed on and sorted a house, furniture and all the things we need. I've spoken to councils and tax credits yet there is so much more to do. It's like I've still got a mountain to climb.
I thought I would enjoy setting up everything fresh and new for me and DCs but every choice I've had to make has been filled with fear. I guess that's because I'm making the choice alone, I'm so used to being told/asking permission that just doing it alone feels wrong.
I know without doubt I've done the right thing, my DC will have a better life and I will be a better parent. Yet I feel guilty for how I have left, ex didn't have a clue and neither did the DC. It was the only way to leave as he wouldn't have let me go especially without making some huge traumatic scene in front of the kids. Even if by some grace he would have allowed me to leave he would have made sure I had nothing...probably so I would see how awful it was without him and have to come crawling back. Why I feel guilty I don't know, if the shoe were on the other foot I don't think he would give it a second thought!
Worst of all I feel terrible for my DC they of course want their DF and while they are coping extremely well and seem happy with the changes I worry they are going to hate me. I worry about this especially when contact with their DF will start I am sure he will say things that will be EA that will make them sad for him and potentially upset with me.
Why when I know I've done the absolute right thing does it all feel so wrong and so hard?
I have to just keep strong and move forward right???
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Frozen with fear guilt and anxiety
7 replies
Lillygolightly · 29/07/2016 17:53
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