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Frozen with fear guilt and anxiety

(8 Posts)
Lillygolightly Fri 29-Jul-16 17:53:02

I have left, had to leave by stealth, have DCs...

I am a mess inside and what was quiet determination to change mine and the DCs life for the better has become a knot of guilt and fear. I've suffered EA and FA for years, though ex would laugh his head off at the thought of being abusive as he just doesn't see it. I got used to it and just stopped standing up for myself or complaining and so he always thought it was fine but I was trying to avoid the fights for the sake of me and the DC.

I have ploughed on and sorted a house, furniture and all the things we need. I've spoken to councils and tax credits yet there is so much more to do. It's like I've still got a mountain to climb.

I thought I would enjoy setting up everything fresh and new for me and DCs but every choice I've had to make has been filled with fear. I guess that's because I'm making the choice alone, I'm so used to being told/asking permission that just doing it alone feels wrong.

I know without doubt I've done the right thing, my DC will have a better life and I will be a better parent. Yet I feel guilty for how I have left, ex didn't have a clue and neither did the DC. It was the only way to leave as he wouldn't have let me go especially without making some huge traumatic scene in front of the kids. Even if by some grace he would have allowed me to leave he would have made sure I had nothing...probably so I would see how awful it was without him and have to come crawling back. Why I feel guilty I don't know, if the shoe were on the other foot I don't think he would give it a second thought!

Worst of all I feel terrible for my DC they of course want their DF and while they are coping extremely well and seem happy with the changes I worry they are going to hate me. I worry about this especially when contact with their DF will start I am sure he will say things that will be EA that will make them sad for him and potentially upset with me.

Why when I know I've done the absolute right thing does it all feel so wrong and so hard?

I have to just keep strong and move forward right???

Lillygolightly Fri 29-Jul-16 17:53:49

Sorry that was much longer than I intended blush

Missgraeme Fri 29-Jul-16 17:56:00

U are in open waters after years in a goldfish bowl. But u will learn to swim far and strong before too long. And your kids will paddle well by your side. Congratulations - u have done a brave thing for all of u. And your kids will thanks u in time. .

gamerchick Fri 29-Jul-16 18:18:32

Of course you're going to feel scared and apprehensive and yes you may be in for a bumpy road when contact happens. My ex caused no end of hell for me but having him back would have been worse. The stranglehold tighter. That doesn't mean it absolutely will just be prepared. I found the sad lost little boy act worse than the angry bit.

Do you have a support network irl? You've done amazingly well coming this far flowers

nicenewdusters Fri 29-Jul-16 18:37:27

You would be an unusual person not to feel as you do now.

You've taken an enormous and courageous step, one which some women never manage. The daughters of these women often post on here, and regret their sad and unhappy childhoods with a frightened, depressed mum and abusive father. I've never read one post where they said they wish they'd stayed together.

You will find your "new normal".

You've given your ex the ultimate "up yours". You've taken control, walked away and now you get to say what happens in your life. Of course he'll be a difficult bastard, that's who he is. Just think of him down a well, shouting upwards, but now you can barely hear him.

There's a thread on here at the moment about dealing with an ea ex and his relationship with the OP's daughter. There's some really good advice on there.

Happyinthehills Fri 29-Jul-16 19:50:11

You've done so well. Please think hard about looking after yourself. How's your real life support?

Lillygolightly Sat 30-Jul-16 00:56:12

Thanks to everyone for replying.

I have the support of my family, sadly don't have much in the way of close friends. Everyone keeps telling me I'm brave and doing the right thing but I don't feel brave at all. I am just putting one foot in front of the other and hoping for the best. I suppose that's all I can do....

GiddyOnZackHunt Sat 30-Jul-16 01:06:36

Read Reality's stickied post at the top of Relationships. It's called Listen Up..
She walked out of a horrible relationship with 2 dc and the clothes on their back. She has great dc who love her and a very decent DH who is a thoroughly nice man.
flowers You're climbing out of a canyon. You're way off the floor but ground level seems a long way off. Find a good ledge and rest. Climb and rest, climb and rest. Don't try to do it all at once and fall back.

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