Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Babies babies babies!!(18 Posts)
Looking for a bit of advice....
Been with my OH for almost 6 years now. A happy reltionship. Only bought our first home together last year becuase of part time work but now have full time jobs, home owners and going well for money.
We have chatted quite a bit about babies during our relationship and before we bought the house. I have always said I want kids and ideally I would like them before 35. We are now both 33 so I brought the subject up last month about maybe starting to try... his response... he doesn't want children any more!! I honestly could feel my heart break in to! It was the way he said it... very matter of fact... very sure of what he wanted.
I am like... waaaaaaaaa? After for the last 5 / 6 years us talking about having children.... buy a house together and now he says this. I still love him. But children are something I can't sacrafice. I did say I'd leave him if he didn't want any and he said he would think about it again. But when I ask for his choice he always says he doesn't know (in a whinney child like voice) and that he doesn't really have a choice.
So do I force him into having one and then maybe end up with him saying for the rest of our lives 'i didn't even want a baby'... like he does with our dog (which again he said he wanted before we moved in) or do I leave him? But then I'd have to start again... and I really do love him.
Tbh he has pulled a fast one. Talked about kids enough to get a mortgage with you.
It's no coincidence that only when your feet are stuck under the table, he reveals his true feelings. I imagine he was never keen on kids, but told you what was necessary to keep you around. Now there's no need for pretence.
At 33 I would not waste any more time. You could drag this out for another couple of years with him whining and prevaricating and playing for time - or you could simply say it's a deal breaker for you and that's that. And tbh you could have met someone else by 35 and be well on your way to having kids. And as young as you are, you could have several children yet. But not if he keeps stringing you along for years to come.
Are you engaged or married? Does he have any aversion to these commitment or is it just a baby he's not sure about. Do not waste any more time though if he can't commit to your needs and wants then you need to find someone who will or Your life will be resenting him for not allowing you to be a mum or him resenting you for an unwanted fatherhood.
If it's a deal breaker for you then you should leave now. Hopefully you will meet someone on the same page by 35
I completely agree with others, it's very hard when you love someone but something like children isn't something you give a little or compromise on. If he doesn't want them and you do then you need to find someone who wants the same as you - I have had to do this before, it's not easy but was the best thing I ever did. Good luck with whatever you decide
Sometimes people do change their minds - men and women - on this issue, so I wouldn't necessarily say he was pulling a fast one. I've known people who both said they wanted when they got together and one partner, a few years down the road, say that having seen their friends' lives with kids, and how they like their married life as it is now, they realise it is not something they now want.
I say that as a childfree man and who is always upfront from day one about that fact as it is not going to change.
But it is obviously a dealbreaker, whether he has genuinely changed his mind or has lied to you all this time (the latter is disgusting if so). If you want children, you need to leave him - even if he half-heartedly agreed to a baby now, he would be a shit father. And if you don't meet someone else in the next few years, then go down the sperm donor route if it really is something you have to do.
OP does he say why he doesn't want kids? I suppose it makes little difference if his answer is a firm no, but might help you get to the bottom of it all and why he didn't say before.
Thanks for all the advice!
Nope not married or engaged... that's another issue all togethe, I have just decided to let it go now as children are more important. Was thinking of popping the question this year on the 29th Feb, but I knew he's say no and that it's the 'mans job' so saved myself the heartache.
He says he doesn't want kids becuase he likes his life as it is...care free... and he feels to young for children. Just wish he had told me all this before going into a mortgage with me as we'd have all that to sort now if I left as we would have to sell up.
Things is he just made me buy a new car.... which I said I'd only get a bigger one if we had children as I loved my little car (he doesn't drive). Just feel like he lies to get what he wants.
I guess me and the dog maybe moving back with my mum!
bit of a con merchant this one - sick of hearing about women being diddled like this - also arrogant of him to assume this'i'm alright jack' position while you have to let all your hopes and dreams go
tell him it's a dealbreaker - he probably doesn't think you would undo all the financial entanglements - show him you are serious and will keep your word even if he can't
Ahhh I even came off my pill last summer with him knowing this plan (before house went through) and still he said nothing.
I guess we will have the chat tonight as we have the weekend off to sort out whenever comes of the conversion. Have my girlfriend's coming over tomorrow night... may chat to them about it but I know my bestie would tear him a new one.
The more I think about it the angrier I get. He is due home from work soon! Best calm down before he walks in... save it for later.
What an absolute horrible person to do that to youso he led you on, got you to buy a house with him and all the while he knew he wasn't planning on having kids with you. After he gave you a lot of hope that you were moving in that direction.
I knew a woman who gave up her dream of being a mother for her husband who didn't want them, but she ended up very bitter and depressed as a result. The marriage really faltered when she reached menopause because she was so upset.
Don't let this happen to you.
You'll have a whole load of hassle to go through first, but one day you will be so glad you walked away and had your children with someone else.
It's not just that you are on different pages here, it's that he isn't true to his word, encourages you to get into deep financial commitments, and then pulls the rug from under you when it's all sewn up. He simply doesn't seem to have considered your feelings in all this at all. Just made the announcement and that's that, apparently.
Show him that you, too, can change your mind about him
This is a non-negotiable impasse and in your shoes I would leave straight away. I had my 1st at 35 & last at 40, so you have plenty of time really. But don't compromise. It's just too big a deal.
What an arse
He needs to realise that whilst he feels too young at 33, your body clock will be ticking by the time you're 35 and if he changes his mind again, it might be too late for you. Yes you might also pop out four kids between 35-45, but not everyone can.
I am a bit suspicious that you brought it up and he said he changed his mind. Surely if you both planned on having children, he could have mentioned it sooner when he was starting to realise it might not be what he wanted?
He sounds like an utter tosser. Anyone of course has the right to change their minds about having children, but not only has he kept you in the dark about his change of heart (and it sounds like wouldn't have even told you had you not brought it up!) until you were set up with a mortgage, he's acting as if he's simply changed his mind about dinner: "I'm going to start cooking the sausages now" "Nah, I'd rather have mince thanks".
There is no way I would be able to trust him again. Effectively, he's screwed you over in every area possible of your life. Leave him - but fuck going back to your parents. He's the one that's changed your lives on end. He can sod off elsewhere.
OP hope you have chance to talk things through and tell your partner how you feel tonight. Just focus on getting through to tomorrow when you can talk to your friends and get some RL support, come back on here if you need to.
I have friends who had a dc with the father reluctantly agreeing, it gets brought up all the time and his lack of enthusiasm is very sad. I'm not sure I'd stay even if he begrudgly agrees to parenthood.
I'd be concerned by his 'I feel too young for kids' explanation. This sounds to me like he thinks he has at least another ten or fifteen years before he even considers having children, which means he's not really thinking about having them with YOU.
If you give up having children to be with him, how would you feel if the relationship ends, and he goes off and has children with someone else?
Join the discussion
Please login first.