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Need advice about grandparents and grandchildren please

(8 Posts)
Gluetap Fri 29-Jul-16 12:55:42

I could do with a different perspective so am posting here for your advice!

I have a difficult relationship with my parents. DM is a controlling woman who can be lovely, but mostly is mean, vindictive and downright cruel. She has fallen out with friends and family over the years and now no longer sees her family. My father always takes her side (I think mostly for a quiet life). To cut a long story short, after DM tried to pick yet another argument, I have cut all contact with them for the past 20 months and my life is so much easier without having to pander to DM and second guess her

The problem is I have two children aged 5 and 2 that haven't seen their grandparents in that time. The younger one doesn't know them but my older child remembers spending time with them (they had a good relationship but I could see DM starting to try and control DS by trying to be his favourite grandparent) and occasionally asks when he will see them again. Part of me feels that he should see them under the supervision of my DH but the other part of me feels we should continue as we are. My son isn't distressed about not seeing them but just asks about them sometimes. It makes me feel so guilty and sad for my son and my parents and I really don't know what to do for the best.

Sorry for the long post!

KramerVSKramer Fri 29-Jul-16 13:03:18

The fact that you felt you needed to go NC and went through the upsetting and stressful process suggests to me that you should continue with this arrangement.

If she felt remorse and had developed an understanding of your reasons she'd have been in touch with an apology and a manageable and mutually agreeable Comtact strategy. She hasn't. And she won't.

Let the bitter and twisted old axe wrestle with her feelings and don't allow her to do it with yours. Or your DC's.

KramerVSKramer Fri 29-Jul-16 13:04:05

*contact

Gluetap Fri 29-Jul-16 13:08:12

Bitter and twisted old axe made me laugh! So true. They both have been in contact via email or text but just to tell me I'm in the wrong and that they've been the best parents they can. They've never once asked to see their grandchildren just told me how cruel I am to deprive them of that relationship. Never once have they said sorry.

RatherBeRiding Fri 29-Jul-16 13:10:30

You went NC for a very, very good reason. No need to feel guilty or sad. You can't every turn your DM into the kind of mother/grandmother you want her to be, and the fact that she is toxic means she cannot be a good grandmother. Sooner or later she will - as you have already seen - begin to try to control her GCs.

Your DC don't miss her. Your eldest is probably just curious - he certainly won't be missing her, and - sure - you would like him to have a lovely grandparent/grandchild relationship but as you know in your rational heart it won't happen, then don't waste time pining for something that simply isn't there.

There are other important and nurturing relationships in your children's lives, so focus on those. No grandparent is far far better than a toxic grandparent.

Missgraeme Fri 29-Jul-16 13:17:07

My kids don't see either of my parents. My dad for over 16 years as his wife won't allow him to. Mother for the same reasons as yours. Kids no ill effects. More important u have no stress or emotional issues than they see people who aren't the best sort for them anyway! My older kids (4 over 20) totally agree with me and younger ones too young to understand the issues. Stop beating yourself up and make the most of your kids! No sharing them is great!!

Hellothereitsme Fri 29-Jul-16 16:31:50

My two didn't see much of their granddad because his wife (my mother died) want interested in knowing his family. My two are fine. To be honest life is easier for me not having to be polite to a rude vindictive jealous lady just for the sake of the kids to have a fake relationship with a rude vindictive jealous grandmother.

Rowgtfc72 Fri 29-Jul-16 18:46:18

Dd hasn't seen the mil for two years. We've told her any time she wants to get in touch we can sort it. She remembers how lame her grandma is and has said no thanks.
Fils partner is a fabulous granny.
Life is so much simpler and healthier without having her in our immediate life.

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