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Should I say or should I go?

(16 Posts)
PlonkerFace Fri 29-Jul-16 08:39:58

Sorry it's long, need to get it out. I posted in chat but didn't know how to get it moved here so copies and pasted. I've been with DP for just over 3 years, he has 2 children from a previous relationship who are 7 and 5, but as soon as his ex found out about our relationship she stopped contact, he fought for almost 3 years to see them and in the end there was a court order made in March and they moved in with us. Their mother is now in prison and hasn't had any contact since they were moved (social services choice). We have 2 children of our own too, they're 2 and 7 months. DP was lovely when we first got together, I couldn't have wished for anyone better but the last few months he's just been vile. I feel like he wanted to play happy families all this time to make it look good for social services etc so he could get custody of the kids and now that they're here he isn't interested anymore, he doesn't come near me unless I initiate it, doesn't want a conversation, he's self employed and works all day so I've got the 4 kids all day every day which isn't a problem cos he needs to work but as soon as he gets home it's " I'm just gonna wash my van and do this that the other now before I come in" which pisses me off no end, surely when he comes home he should come in and take over for a bit or at least say "hi how's your day been, let's have a cuppa and a chat" etc and spend some time with his kids. Even when he has a day off, like today for instance, there's always a list of things "he" needs to do and pisses off out for the majority of the day. I don't see any of the money he earns apart from the odd had and electric he will put in, he reckons it goes in stock, diesel, equipment etc, he doesn't contribute to the house. He speaks to me like shit ( in front of the kids too, how will they ever have respect for me if he doesn't?) and he never EVER admits he's wrong for anything. I've just had enough, I love him to pieces and really don't want to split up but I just don't know how much longer I can live like this, I don't even know what I love anymore, I think I'm just hanging on to the old him but he ain't ever coming back. Also I've created a bond with the girls and don't want them to have to be uprooted again just as they've settled in, after everything they've been through. But I'm fed up of feeling like all he wants to be with me for is to have someone to look after his children while he's out and about all day. DS1 thinks the sun shines out of his arse, all I hear all day is "dad, dad, dad" which pisses me off cos he doesn't even bother with him, he deserves more. He reckons he loves me, but he wouldn't treat me like this if he did.

PlonkerFace Fri 29-Jul-16 09:51:32


lacktoastandtolerance Fri 29-Jul-16 10:02:54

Are you happy to spend the rest of your life like this?

The oft-quoted phrase: look at what he's showing you, rather than what he tells you.

Cabrinha Fri 29-Jul-16 11:40:16

Oh dear.
You must have been pregnant within months of meeting him sad
I suspect if that hadn't happened you might have had an inkling of his true personality and dumped him early on.

You're right to question what you love about him.

And you're also right - if he loved you, he wouldn't talk to you like shit. And financially abuse you.

I can't see a single thing in your post that suggests you should stay with him. Do you think he would pay you maintenance if his kids stayed with you after a split as a private arrangement? That's a lot for you to take on - but as they're your children's siblings, perhaps you want to consider it.

Or if they would go into care, perhaps there's scope for you to officially foster, not a private arrangement. You'd need a lot of advice about that.

I would talk to CAB or Women's Aid to start making your escape plans sad

adora1 Fri 29-Jul-16 12:17:41

So you're a slave to him and is kids and he gives you hardly any money and lives the life of a single man, why are you still with him?

AnyFucker Fri 29-Jul-16 12:20:21

I agree with your assessment of the situation, op

Were you hoping for someone to disagree with it ?

RandomMess Fri 29-Jul-16 13:40:47

So you are a self funded nanny and housekeeper to all of his DC...

I would end it asap.

PlonkerFace Fri 29-Jul-16 15:17:05

I don't know what I'm hoping for anymore, his daughters wouldn't be able to stay with me, he would obviously take them, he's fought for them to live with him for 3 years so isn't just going to just leave them with me. I have no rights over them

AnyFucker Fri 29-Jul-16 15:20:25

If you split he will simply find another woman willing to take on child care duties for him.

I am sorry. It sounds like you are very fond of his girls. But you really cannot sacrifice the rest of your life (and what's left of your self respect) for them

ElspethFlashman Fri 29-Jul-16 15:25:49

I agree he will find another step mother quite quickly.

You are nothing more than a convenience. An appliance he doesn't have to notice as long as it's working.

adora1 Fri 29-Jul-16 15:27:41

OP, this is really not normal, you are looking after his kids and he doesn't even give you money and goes off like a single man, are you really going to spend your next 20 years doing this, the best years of your life?? Please no. You are right, it was all a cover to get the custody and now he has it, he is treating you like a slave, slaves were abolished a long time ago, you don't have to live this life, you are entitled to one, not just him, they are his responsibility, not yours, it's actually disgusting what he is doing.

PlonkerFace Fri 29-Jul-16 15:53:55

A poster on the other thread sent me this link, he does most of the things on there, I sent it to him and this was his response, he really doesn't give a shit does he

PlonkerFace Fri 29-Jul-16 15:56:25

Blackmails me all the time too, tomorrow we are going to a holiday park for the day to visit my mother, she's buying loads of food to have a bbq outside the caravan and the kids are really excited, it's about an hour away, he drives, I don't. He said after that text "cancel tomorrow if there's going to be an atmosphere"

adora1 Fri 29-Jul-16 16:24:00

Does that not tell you all you need to know, I'd disengage now and get the practicalities sorted out.

MyKingdomForBrie Fri 29-Jul-16 16:27:35

No he does not give a shit. Find public transport to the bbq or beg a lift, get him out of your life ASAP.

AnyFucker Fri 29-Jul-16 17:00:01

He is taunting you. He doesn't believe you have the gumption to break away from him. I can see why he would think that, tbh, if you continue to roll over and tolerate such blatant contempt from him.

Prove him wrong.

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