Feeling pretty stupid

[doinotknowhowluckyiam]

So.. Been with my fiancé for about 18 months, we've built an amazing life together and get on amazingly... Genuinely that smug couple to other people (the shame!)

So, he says he's meeting someone after work... I then get texts for him as normal throughout the evening... He says he'll be home at a certain time... 15 mins later than he was due home he calls, says he'll be home in 30 mins... Then I get a text saying that he needs my help and needs it now and then I can't get hold of him..

I run out of our house, trying to find him, frantically calling... End up calling 101 who put me through to the emergency line... He turns up, steaming drunk and pissed off that I called the police... Won't tell me why he needed help...

I look on his phone (not even sorry) to see if he said anything to the guy he said he was meeting... My fiancé had cancelled, saying "something else came up" and further on down his text messages was an address of a local apartment from a number, which when googled, is an escort...

He sees I've got the phone and flies off the handle, chasing me round trying to get it back... Gets it and changes the passcode... Has it set so that if you enter the wrong passcode 10 times the phone gets wiped... So now I'm on the sofa while the drunken arse sleeps it off.... The latest was that he was googling them with a workmate and has never visited one.... That's not washing!

He won't own up to it, even when sober, will he? This is not me, this is not my life...

[SandyY2K]

I'd break off the engagement now. This man isn't husband material and you'll have a lot of stress if you stay with him.

I suggest you get tested for STD'S. Nobody acts like that when they're innocent.

[FetchezLaVache]

No, he won't own up to it. I'm so sorry this has happened, OP.

What are you going to do?

[pillowaddict]

I'm so sorry op. You know what he's done, or tried to do and chickened out, and you need to decide what to do now.

[doinotknowhowluckyiam]

He's asleep in the spare room... How he can sleep is beyond me... Must be worn out!

I don't know what I'm going to do... Truth be told, he's a different man to the one I met... He didn't drink when we met, now I realise that that is because he has an issue with alcohol... I think he has a highly addictive personality, alcohol, gambling, sex...

You just never think it's going to be you, do you?

[pillowaddict]

I'm sorry op. You don't, but unfortunately it doesn't protect you from it happening. You deserve better than a life filed with episodes like these. They're rarely, if ever, a one off

[doinotknowhowluckyiam]

I feel like shit... I can't sleep.... I'm thirsty and have a glass of water in front of me and can't bring myself to touch it...

I even took him in a glass of water, because I know he'll need it.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

[FetchezLaVache]

Don't be hard on yourself; you've just had the rug pulled out from under you.

Take care of yourself, starting with that glass of water.

[doinotknowhowluckyiam]

I could cry for how grateful I am for strangers on the internet right now...

My sofa is a lonely place tonight! But bed is no better... My mum offered to come and pick me up, but I said I'd stay here (partly because I didn't want him up to more no good and partly because I didn't want him to go out, get even more shitfaced and get hurt) feeling now that that was a stupid decision..

He has a DD with his STBXW who I adore... It's so much more than just losing him...

[nowaybaby]

No, you never think it is going to be you. That is a reflection on him, not, you. Tell him to leave in the morning. you need space. I'm sorry.

[nowaybaby]

Put yourself first. protect your feelings. You can't mask this for his DD's sake.

[nooofthenoodle]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
No you never think it will be you, you didn't deserve this op like nobody would .
You seem pretty sure of the evidence you have, please don't let him talk you round you deserve better. His poor daughter is his responsibly not yours x

[doinotknowhowluckyiam]

I want sober, dependable, loving, sexy, charming, witty, sharp (etc) him back... The one I fell in love with...

I live with baseline anxiety (undiagnosed) since he started drinking again... He drinks heavily for a couple of week, almost tears is apart and then finally, after much begging, stops again for a month, maybe more. Then we're "perfect". He needs help, but won't admit it. Reflects it back at me, says I'm a problem drinker (I'm not) and that I'm an arsehole when I'm drunk (I'm not).

It's such a cliche...

[2nds]

Can you go to your mum's house and stay with her for a bit?
You say his soon to be ex wife, was he with you when he was still with her?

[nowaybaby]

He is not good for you. Cut loose, you deserve more. Don't be codependent to his drinking problems, You don't deserve that.

[doinotknowhowluckyiam]

No. 2nds. They were separated (as far as I know, although still living together as they had a very young baby...) separate rooms etc. and he moved out and into mine as soon as we decided to embark on a "proper" relationship (sounds so stupid now)

[Bogeyface]

I could sugar coat this, but I wont.

You are staying there tonight in the hope that tomorrow he will come up with a cast iron reason why he was a total asshole tonight. You want thim to explain why he did what he did, said what he said and texted you to the point where you rang the police. You want him to have not had sex with an escort and so you can go back to how things were.

You want us to tell you to wait until tomorrow, hear what he has to say and to not make any rash decisions.

I am sorry, but thats not going to happen. You know what he did, you know that he is a liar and a cheat and that you are better than that, that you need to leave.

[doinotknowhowluckyiam]

And yes, I can stay with mumas long as necessary... I've called her and told her everything about tonight, it seemed important for me not to hide it because it was embarrassing, like I was owning that it wasn't my embarrassment...

[doinotknowhowluckyiam]

Bogeyface... I don't need sugar coating... I know what happened (or at the very least what he tried to make happen)

[Bogeyface]

I did the same once.

Stayed in the hope that I would hear the cast iron reason why I was reading it all wrong and that he hadnt cheated, that I had misunderstood.

Dont do what I did, please.

[OrlandaFuriosa]

Well done. Admitting it to her is a good way of getting you to admit it to yourself.

I can only echo what you and others are saying to you. Run for the hills now.

[doinotknowhowluckyiam]

I'm meant to be in work tomorrow, we both are...

[doinotknowhowluckyiam]

I still love him. It's all I can do not to climb into bed next to him, or go and watch him sleep... The fact he can sleep while my world falls apart says it all though doesn't it...

[Emmaroos]

Awful, awful, awful. My heart breaks for you. I'd call your Mum back and accept the lift. The last thing you want to be doing in the morning after a sleepless night is having a big showdown with a guy somewhere in between drunk and hungover. Let him pull himself together before you discuss the plans for your house/flat and what happens next. To be honest, the drinking problem (that he's in denial about clearly) should be enough on its own. You can't fix him - it's not your responsibility as well as it not being possible. I'm getting the impression that your gut is telling you loud and clear that all is not well so you don't need to dwell on what did or didn't happen with the escort. He lied to you about who he was with and that alone is enough to shatter the trust you had for him. Be glad you found out now and not after the wedding. And let your Mum look after you tonight - she's probably worried sick about you.

[doinotknowhowluckyiam]

She's asleep now (or so she says) I'm worried sick about me, so no doubt she is... I don't want to just sneak out though, Emmaroos.

I know exactly what I'd say to a friend if she told me this story.

[Lilacpink40]

You never think it's you until it's right in your face and all you can feel is the white hot-cold shock of betrayal.

It happened to me 7 months ago and we were married (near divorce now) and we have 2 DCs. He lived double-life for around 6 months.

He's the bastard, you can look yourself in the eye in a mirror and you deserve more.