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Someone tells me it gets better.

(12 Posts)
loulou1626 Thu 28-Jul-16 19:05:53

I'm trying, I really am, to get on with things but everytime I feel like I get somewhere, I get knocked back down. Ex has gone public with his new relationship, though seemed to go to quite ridiculous lengths to conceal it from certain people like a number of mutual friends or people he knows that are close to me, and it's just thrown me, though I knew it was likely happening for some time. He has completely erased me and our relationship from his life and it's like the only proof that it or he ever existed are the painful memories and difficulties that I'm left with everyday. I just don't understand how this is happening while I'm pregnant with a baby that we planned at his suggestion, and with someone he hasn't even known for longer than six months. What makes it worse is that people are so supportive of him and his decision, especially as he has demonised me so much and, while it may not matter right now, I'm just absolutely distraught that there's a great possibility I'll have to deal with all of this in a few months, based on him sticking true to his word and being involved although I don't know how likely it is, and that's tough in itself. I don't want to have to deal with some other woman playing a role in my child's life (who the hell gets involved with someone who has a baby on the way anyway?!) I don't want my child to have a part time dad at best, I don't want to deal with people telling me he's done nothing wrong by leaving me and starting a new relationship as it doesn't affect him being a dad and that I need to get over it and let him be involved etc, but it bloody does affect things, it affects everything!

Argh, I just feel like things are never going to get better, even when my baby is here. I'm 25, I don't want to be living at my parents house or relying on them to protect me or anything like that, not when it's meant to be different. I feel like I'm responsible for bringing my child into this situation, that I should have been a better partner cos I know for a fact there are plenty of things I could have done better regardless of this situation, and I just can't shake it all from my head.

If anyone has any nice stories about facing horrible situations like this and coming out the other side, please share them, or any other things that might help =(

nooofthenoodle Thu 28-Jul-16 19:26:10

So sorry op, he sounds like a knob end at best. Not been there pregnant and I can see that adds lots of extra worry and stress and hurt for you.
But to tell you my story i living with my ex when I found a message on his phone and it was obvious he was cheating. Chucked him out instantly and he moved in with this girl a week later. None of his family wanted to know and to make matters worse he lied and lied at every turn. I've also been completely erased from his life. I was a mess. I've never felt so devestated or humiliated in all my life. The betrayal has done permanent damage to me, but, a few months later I'm in a place I never ever in those dark early days thought I'd get to.
The trauma has made me fight to find myself, to appreciate all the people I do have that love me and support me. It's inspired me to change my life for the better. I still have bad days but it does get better and I feel like a stronger person now.
Let your family support you as much as they can, look after yourself try not to worry too much about the future or this woman (I know it's hard).
Hope that helps x

Hurtandconfused2016 Thu 28-Jul-16 21:16:16

Hi smile

I was in your exact position in Jan love. I was 33 weeks pregnant and had a 2 year old when my ex left. 3 days later he was staying at a woman's house who he had been texting through our relationship and hiding this!
He promised to be there hid his new gf from all family and friends.
Fast forward 4 months I had our daughter he didn't show up to the csection nor to meet her. His family did.
Now fast forward 7 months he has just bought a flat with new gf hasn't seen his dd since March hasn't seen ds since may despite always saying he will be there.

My advice is get as much support as you can! From health visitors friends family everyone! Do not expect anything from him or his family. I did and was let down majorly it will save you the pain!

My babies are so happy and seeing this makes it all worth the pain! Get everything sorted legally don't do anything he asks if you are not happy with it. It's up to him to be a father not you. If he wants to step up good but don't beg him (I did big mistake)

Have you thought about the birth? Also what about the hospital?
Sorry for the long message xz

cbigs Thu 28-Jul-16 21:21:47

Hi op,
I too am in that unfortunate club of being dumped while pregnant by my husband with a planned baby so he could shack up with a woman from work he barely knew
I had a 3 yr old and a 10 yr old at this time too. I'll cut a long story short it was absolutely devastating at the time took me a good two years to really recover but my god he did me the biggest favour ever!! I totally dodged a bullet and so have you. All the painful stuff now about part time dad and another woman being with your child I promise will fade and you will accept in time I have a bond of steel with my kids and I get guilt free time on the weekends to spend with friends or my fiancé . Yes I'm engaged to an absolute star and thank god my ex did what he did because I wouldn't change things if you paid me. So stay strong and keep the faith you will come through this and move on and find someone who treats you as you deserve. Good luck op flowers

loulou1626 Fri 29-Jul-16 16:41:03

Thank you for all your replies ladies.

noodle I'm so sorry that happened to you, had you been together long? I'm really glad you've been able to find some light in the darkness, you sound like a really strong person.

hurt god that sounds absolutely awful. I take it this other woman doesn't have kids? To be honest I don't want his family anywhere near me after how they've behaved towards me; I tried desperately to do the right thing but they just didn't care. Originally when he and I were on speaking terms he said he would be there, then said he didn't want to be, and then I got a load of grief about it from his sister as when he was told that he couldn't just walk away for nine months and waltz back in without having paid anything or accepted any responsibility (along with how horribly he treated me), she had a go at me about not allowing him at the birth, which I never said and she sure didn't have much to say when I pointed out that not only did he not want to be there, it wasn't about him. My mum is my birthing partner and my midwife knows the situation and can handle it should she need to, but I highly doubt he'll turn up. Did your ex have any decent reason for not coming to see his newborn daughter? You sound so strong to have come through all of that, you're a real credit to your kids.

cbigs I'm glad things worked out well for you in the end, I can't imagine how on earth you managed things with three kids and having to deal with all of that. it's so hard, it really is, to picture this person being involved in my child's life when both me and my ex haven't even met the baby yet, it makes me sick. He started his new job in January so when he left me in March he'd only known her a few weeks, and though it's only just become 'official', I know it's been going on before or at least building up since he left and it honestly just kills me, and even more so it baffles me how a girl in her mid twenties would willingly start up an intense relationship with someone she barely knows who has a child on the way at the age of 25 and he's left the mother after being in a long term relationship with her. It's hardly like he's got lots of money or his own place or anything like that; to me the idea of being involved with a guy with a child on the way would just be too complicated let alone anything else. If you don't mind me asking, how did you handle letting him or this woman anywhere near your kids, especially the baby? I feel like I could tear someone's head off at the mere thought of it.

It's just a truly heartbreaking situation, especially as I just can't change how I feel about him or even comprehend how to get over this, let alone handle what's to come. But thank you again for your comments ladies, they're much appreciated.

LucyLocketLostIt Fri 29-Jul-16 16:47:21

Hi. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It also happened to me when I was pregnant and is absolutely devastating.

I just wanted you to know that you will get through this and it absolutely does get better.

Take all the support you can get and focus on you and your baby for now. Things will work out for you in the end.

Hurtandconfused2016 Fri 29-Jul-16 17:27:18

Loulou- no ow doesn't have kids she is a silly wee girl who when I met in a restaurant one night heavily pregnant they looked at me like a bit of dirt on the floor!
Sounds like my ex's sister! Thinks he has done no wrong! Thinks I am the devil on this earth it's horrible despite me sending them updates and photos.
My ex's dad approached me in work today and was being a really nice man to me despite the fact he walked past me and the 2 kids 2 weeks before!
He didn't show up to the birth because he couldn't stand to look at me as I'm disgusting! He didn't come to the hospital because he wasn't sure if he would ever get to see her again even though his parents and sister showed up! I had also been to the lawyers to state when he would see her etc etc

I constantly tried to make him be in the kids life's now I have realised he isn't worth it because it was only hurting me and my kids. I have recently asked for a letter to change their names but he is saying no because he knows it Hurts me.

I am only strong because of my babies. (With a little help from councilling) you will get there you just need to be as heartless to him as he is being to you. But you and baby first all the way.

loulou1626 Sun 31-Jul-16 10:51:51

lucylocket I'm sorry the same thing happened to you, I genuinely can't believe how many people this has seemed to happen to, it's awful. I can only assume you're speaking from experience when you say it gets better, so thank you for your kind words.

hurt my god that sounds absolutely horrific, I just can't understand how someone can be so cruel! You sound so incredibly strong, I really hope I get to that place soon cos I am just so genuinely heartbroken by the whole thing.

There wouldn't even be a baby if he hadn't said to me he wanted to try for one, but apparently that's completely my fault too confused I think I struggle massively with everything as I just can't associate any of this with the person that has been in my life for so long; he's in my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary photo album for god sake, it just kills me all the time as I just don't understand why somebody would walk away from something that they wanted or why he suddenly hates me so much when I've tried to do everything I can, even telling him that he doesn't have to be involved if he doesn't want to be, it's just crazy. I am in counselling but I feel like I'm just going over and over my feelings because nobody has the answers so I don't know if it's helping or not really.

ExtraHotLatteToGo Sun 31-Jul-16 11:12:12

You need to have a leap of faith here.

TRUST that you will get through this
TRUST that life will be good
TRUST that one day you'll look back and see the bullet you dodged

Don't spoil your pregnancy and your babies first few months/years focussing on your ex and how much of a shit bag he is. Try really hard to accept that whilst you might still love him, he's not worthy of your love. Drop ANY notion about getting back with him. HE is not worthy.

Look forward - it's the only direction we are going.

You don't want to live with your parents, understandably. It would be good not to, because although some parents can be a great support, it's very hard to be a parent to your DC in that situation.

So, what are your options?

- council list
- established house share
- find a friend to share with
- private rent studio flat
- put an advert in local paper/shops looking for a 'granny annex' to rent

There's plenty of time for this later, but babies really, really, don't have to cost very much. There is NOTHING wrong with second hand stuff, they're wearing it, using it, for such a short time. Huge bundles of things on the various freecycle type sites & eBay. Cheap as chips. Sort through, give it a good anti bac wash and it's as good as new.

Focus on you and YOUR baby. Be excited that soon you are going to be a Mum to the most amazing little person in the whole entire world. Lucky you 💐

ExtraHotLatteToGo Sun 31-Jul-16 11:16:47

Oh and stop bashing yourself up! There are always things we could have done differently, but whatever your less than perfect behaviour was, changing it would have made no difference. He's an immature prat. He could have talked to you, he could have told you IF he was unhappy, but he didn't, he pissed off with some girl from work. He got you pregnant then decided the responsibility was just a bit too he fucked off. Easy for men huh. It's not like you could make the same choice. Yes, you could possibly still have a termination, but it's a LOT more devastating than just walking away knowing someone else will bring up your kid.

Hurtandconfused2016 Sun 31-Jul-16 12:12:24

Lou lou this sounds like my ex! The only reason we had another baby was because he said he would like another one. Little did I know he later told me he only wanted to see if it would make me think he was still in l9ve with me and they he didn't actually want her.

loulou1626 Sun 31-Jul-16 22:08:58

Extrahot thank you for your comment. It's not as easy as just finding somewhere else to live as I don't earn very much at all, not enough to live alone with a baby without support, and I don't know anybody who would want to live with a flatmate who has a newborn baby, nor would I want to live with somebody I don't know. I'm fully intending to get my own place again as soon as I can but it's not only the financial side of it, which I'm hoping to get support for, it's the emotional side of it, as living alone with a newborn baby is something that I imagine would be extremely hard. Your advice is really good and if I was somebody else watching this happen to someone, I'd be saying the exact same things I'm sure, it's just so hard to just break out of it. It doesn't even matter if he's 'worthy' or not because it's not an option, and that's what really hurts I think, that I don't have a say, that it isn't down to me. Well I'm nearly 30 weeks so it's a bit late for a termination but even when it wasn't he kept saying that he'd support me and the baby but that I should 'consider my options as it was affecting so many people'. Yeah, no shit Sherlock, me and my family! Even when I get angry, even when I focus on the baby, I just seem to fall back down again. Thank you again for your kind words, they really are appreciated.

hurt what the hell?! That's just beyond ridiculous and, if I'm honest, quite an insane thing to do! What could he possibly have gained from doing that to see if you thought he still loved you? That's beyond twisted. I'm so sorry that happened to you, I can't comprehend how somebody could be that cruel.

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