Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Worried about Girlfriend going away for 3 weeks

(45 Posts)
user1469724650 Thu 28-Jul-16 17:53:18

My girlfriend goes away with the scouts (she's been a scout since she was a baby) they're camping abroad for 3 weeks & everyone else will be adults there (kind of a mini jamboree). I'm worried because I'll miss her like crazy whilst she's gone, I also worry that some of the guys will try to flirt with her and try and sleep with her, I do trust her as much as I can but I'm not a very trusting person. I'm a little worried that after a couple of weeks if she's getting on with a guy really well maybe her feelings will fade a bit and she'll be taken in the moment (so to speak).

I know it's not something I should worry about as if it happens, it happens and there's nothing I can do about it, but that doesn't stop my mind from taking me there.

She's going with a guy that likes her (romantically) and has done for years ( I don't see him as much of a threat as he's a little odd & not much of a looker) but still not keen on that idea either.

And lastly I'm just a bit down about the whole thing, she's gone for 3 weeks & we've not been apart more than 4-5 days at a time since we've been together. I'm just going to really miss her (pathetic, I know).

To give you some context on our relationship, we're completely in love with each other, have planned our kids names etc. Talk about marriage and being together for life, been on holidays together & we're best friends. I just worry about losing it all.

have any of you had long holidays away from your partner & how did you cope?

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Thu 28-Jul-16 18:00:57

It's 3 weeks not 3 years. You'll cope.

Disclaimer: Had a long distance relationship with DH before we got married, in the first 5 years together we were only actually in the same place for 18 months of that (and this was before mobile phones/skype)

P.S. you need to work on your trust issues, just because blokes want to sleep with her doesn't mean she'll sleep with them.

user1469724650 Thu 28-Jul-16 18:09:26

Yeah I know, trying my best to become more trusting, turns out it's quite difficult

Failingfasttonight Thu 28-Jul-16 18:10:45

I think she should run away from you, fast.

MidnightVelvettheSixth Thu 28-Jul-16 18:11:15

You either trust her or you don't. If she wanted the odd ugly man hmm that's liked her for years then she would have chosen him not you. She didn't.

Maybe she doesn't trust you either & thinks your feelings will fade over the 3 weeks as well.

Look I don't mean to be harsh, but a healthy relationship means trusting each other & being able to be apart. Being with someone all the time & planning weddings & babies & being in each others pockets is fine short term but it sounds too suffocating to last. Eventually you are going to have to calm down & accept that you are still both individuals & you will both have nights out when you come in drunk & you will have weeks where you don't see each like this one, but that's OK & its nothing to panic & get anxious about. Just chill the fuck out & stop catastrophising it! If its meant to last then it will, if it isn't then it won't & you can do fuck all about it whilst she's away. Go & enjoy yourself smile

user1469724650 Thu 28-Jul-16 18:12:02

Appreciate the reply, any reasoning behind it?

MidnightVelvettheSixth Thu 28-Jul-16 18:12:42

Why do you not trust her by the way?

user1469724650 Thu 28-Jul-16 18:17:46

I don't know if I'm honest, I don't trust anyone fully, people always say to their partners they wouldn't cheat etc. But they still do? Believe me, I'd love to be able to fully trust people & I am trying my best to work on it, I'm literally the most chilled guy ever, except for in my relationship, I just worry it'll go wrong (which I know is likely to make that more likely the more I worry).

Cabrinha Thu 28-Jul-16 18:20:52

3 weeks is not a long time. I'm guessing you're about 19?
I hope you're not making her feel pressured about this. It is your issue, and you need to get over it. If you can't do that on your own or through online discussion, see a counsellor.

MephistoMarley Thu 28-Jul-16 18:24:17

It sounds like you have an anxious attachment style when it comes to relationships. You really need to work on this - therapy may help. You really should be single while you address this but if you can't be, then accept that this is 100% your dysfunction and do not put it on her.

TheAntiBoop Thu 28-Jul-16 18:26:38

How long have you been together?

pinkyredrose Thu 28-Jul-16 18:28:39

How old are you both and how long have you been together?

EeksyPeeksy Thu 28-Jul-16 18:29:26

How old are you?

Failingfasttonight Thu 28-Jul-16 18:30:11

Because you should be waving her off with a smile. Because she shouldn't be thinking about perhaps in the future curtailing her interests so that her boyfriend doesn't get upset. Because she has given you no reason to distrust her.

peppercold Thu 28-Jul-16 18:31:16

Does your girlfriend know how you feel?

ButtMuncher Thu 28-Jul-16 18:33:09

You are brave, OP grin

MNers - sounds as if OP is young and a bit insecure - we've all been there, let's try and reserve our reverse LTB smile

OP - rule 101 of long lasting relationship is that you HAVE to have space from your significant other, otherwise you'll drive yourselves mad. Take this opportunity to do some things on your own - fitness, walks, reading, hanging out with friends, just catching up with life. I know those things are probably significantly more exciting with your girlfriend, but have fun by yourself too. Your girlfriend hasn't gone away to shag anyone else, she's gone away to do something she's been doing for years - and there is a reason why she's not hooked up with the other guy, so please try to forget about that smile. It's also a scout trip, last time I checked they weren't hot beds of shagathons grin

You will miss her. She'll miss you - but she'll be doing something she loves doing, and she has interests independent of you - now it's your time to do something similar.

Lastly - you do need to work on those trust issues. Identify where they originate from - is it a past experience/relationship? Have you experienced infidelity yourself, or have your parents? Or is it the widespread knowledge that people cheat? What would you do if your girlfriend did cheat? As harsh as it sounds, you'd survive. You're young and have no responsibilities such as mortgages, kids or marriage. This isn't to say she will cheat, but rather that you need to not see "cheating" at this stage in life as some kind of insurmountable experience that will prevent you from fully trusting people. If you do so, you'll prevent yourself from fully enjoying your relationship with your girlfriend, at the same time as risking pushing her away with neediness.

ChanelNo314 Thu 28-Jul-16 18:34:12

If she"s planning her future with you im sure she's not about to shag some guy especially if she's already "chosen" you over him.
Im thinking that maybe you would be tempted if the situation was reversed?

AyeAmarok Thu 28-Jul-16 18:37:02

You sound a bit needy and intense.

Which is not an attractive quality.

YesAnastasia Thu 28-Jul-16 18:45:54

Well I'll be kind because I think you're sweet for coming here & wanting a female perspective on this.

It's not Glastonbury (or Leeds 1999 ahem...) so I wouldn't expect it to be a shagfest tbh. It all sounds very wholesome & she knows most of the people going so I can honestly say that you have nothing to worry about.

Even if it was Leeds 1999 (blush) worrying makes no difference to anything and if something's going to happen, it's going to happen.

Keep yourself busy & it'll fly by smile

user1469724650 Thu 28-Jul-16 18:49:35

I appreciate all the comments, good or bad you've helped me realise I'm being stupid, I do hope she enjoys herself, just being a worrier because she's going today. Thanks all. (I'm 21 and this is my first real long term girlfriend, spent previous 6 years sleeping around casually blush)

LynetteScavo Thu 28-Jul-16 18:50:52

You shouldn't be choosing baby names with someone you trust so little.

And if she does shag someone she probably won't tell you about it.

user1469724650 Thu 28-Jul-16 18:52:12

Okay thanks

NickiFury Thu 28-Jul-16 18:53:43

One thing I have leaned over the years is this. Worrying about being dumped changes nothing. If you are going to be dumped, if your significant other is going to cheat, nothing you can do or think can change it. All you can do is put it out of your mind and get on with other stuff.

Joysmum Thu 28-Jul-16 19:29:26

Buttmuncher talks sense.

You'll get loads of people come on here to tell you she should leave etc etc

Truth is, many of us are damaged by life and it makes us anxious. I was the same when I started out with my now husband 23 years ago.

Luckily, he knew me and loved me. He believed in me and knew it wasn't something I chose to feel and was supportive and understanding.

I worked through it and here we are 23 years on.

He'd read such responses with a head tilt and a patronising smile if I showed him this thread at the end of the evening.

If I wasn't trying to work through it, or somehow expected him to curtail normal life because of my discomfort then that'd be a different issue. So be honest, but not with any secret hopes that she'll compromise on her life for you.

It takes practice to come to terms with anxiety which means you need to be exposed to it so you're comfortable with 'normal' life.

ButtMuncher Thu 28-Jul-16 19:47:10

It's the reality of life isn't it, JoysMum

I think a lot of us have the benefit of hindsight, age and wisdom and may compartmentalise (or choose to forget entirely) the times we've felt fraught, insecure and afraid - especially when confronted with overwhelming emotions. They don't laugh at teenage girls with crushes for nothing grin

Although there are many controlling men out there who cite "trust" as a reason to belittle, abuse and harass women (and men) in relationships, there are plenty of men out there who deal, like women, with anxiety within relationships and need help identifying why and how to get over it.

I do believe we've become too easily accustomed to pigeon-holing trust issues in men as instant red flags, because we're so much more aware of the affects of abuse within a relationship. Knowing more is of course so much more beneficial than those darker years of decades before where people suffered in silence, but it's always worth ensuring objectivity and a bit of compassion is on the table too.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now