Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Leaving at last

(26 Posts)
flyblossom Thu 28-Jul-16 17:00:58

Hi all.

After 20 years of ea I have finally plucked up enough courage to Ltb.
I have been seeing a women's aid counsellor who has helped me immensely.
I have scrimped and saved for one and a half years to get enough for a months rent and deposit. Selling bits on eBay mostly. My sister has given me a bit of money and my 18 year old dd has lent me her birthday and Christmas money.
I have finally found a house for me and my two dds.
The thing is I keep doubting myself now. Now it's finally going to happen I'm so scared.
What if the Ea wasn't that bad, although every time I saw my counsellor she said it was definitely abuse and told me to get me and my children out.
Now all I think about is the good times although admittedly there wasn't many.
I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm looking for on here. Maybe a bit of hand holding?
Thanks for reading

adora1 Thu 28-Jul-16 17:02:19

You are amazing, you are doing a fantastic thing, not just for yourself but your kids, you know deep down whether you want to call it abuse or not, it's not a normal healthy relationship and definitely a bad role model for your kids, keep going, you are nearly there!

PurpleWithRed Thu 28-Jul-16 17:03:39

Hand held and flowers for getting this far. It is scary - that's natural, it's going to be very different. But it's going to be better; so much better. Fantastic!

flyblossom Thu 28-Jul-16 17:07:54

Thank you for replying.
I know it's the right thing to do.
I just keep crying and having panic attacks.
I have to do it for my dd1. She has really bad anxiety and I have been told by cahms that her dads behaviour and constant criticism towards her hasn't helped.

adora1 Thu 28-Jul-16 17:09:58

Well if that is not reason enough to feel confident in what you are doing then I don't know, you are her protector, she's already been damaged by him, don't let it carry on!

WoodenTrees Thu 28-Jul-16 17:51:15

I'm going through the same thing. I will be here for a while longer then I'm gone. Be strong. I too have panic attacks and I too am doing it for the sake of my dds, although they will have left home by the time I go. I just want to ensure they never have to live in the toxic atmosphere he creates again. Keep Strong.

FreeFromHarm Thu 28-Jul-16 18:11:31

Hand held , please do not be scared, everything is going to be ok, your post is my life nearly 3 years ago.
you will feel so much better when you are gone, remember to cover you tracks online.

flyblossom Thu 28-Jul-16 19:21:27

Thanks for all your replies.
I am trying to be strong for my girls.
It's hard because he's not abusive all of the time.
I think it's because I have learnt how to appease him we don't get so many strops and tantrums. It's fine when everything is going his way.

I haven't even viewed the house I'm going to be renting. I just want to leave...and yet I'm just so scared all the time, I'm just in a constant state of anxiety and I also feel guilty about sneaking around behind his back. He really has no idea what I'm planning, it's going to be one hell of a shock.

6demandingchildren Thu 28-Jul-16 19:24:24

Just think how relaxed life is going to be for you.
Let us know how you feel once you have moved.
Sending hugs

flyblossom Thu 28-Jul-16 20:19:48

6demandingchildren yes I will let you know how I'm feeling when I've left.
Thanks for the hand holding, it does help. smile

buckingfrolicks Thu 28-Jul-16 20:23:40

Flyblossom well done you - you're being a great mother doing this, doing the right thing even though it's hard now.

Imagine if you stay, you'll have a lifetime of feeling stressed, miserable and lonely.

By leaving, your life is opened up to all kinds of good futures - with love and happiness and calmness and peacefulness.

I wish you strength today and in the days ahead. Don't regret, don't look back.

Missgraeme Thu 28-Jul-16 20:35:27

Just wanted to say well done and good luck on your new journey.

flyblossom Thu 28-Jul-16 21:46:39

buckingfrolicks thank you.
I'm sure that at least my daughters will be happier.
My stbex doesn't take any notice of them any more. Some days he doesn't talk to them at all.
They won't miss him, which is very sad.sad

Garbadgeman Thu 28-Jul-16 21:58:44

Another handhold here OP flowers Look at it this way, its either a short period of upheaval and scary newness (and you'll be amazed how quickly what initially seems new and strange becomes normal and familiar) or sticking with what you have indefinitely when it's obviously not making you happy. Any change is scary to begin with but the prospect of looking back over an unhappy life and regretting not making that change is truly terrifying, you only get one life and you deserve to be happy flowers

piddlypoddlypoo Thu 28-Jul-16 22:01:49

I was in your position about 18 months ago, and I can honestly say once I did it, it wasn't that scary, and it was just such a huge RELIEF. Once you do it the adrenalin will carry you for a bit. And you'll see the impact on your dd's - mine is flourishing now. When I have contact with him now I still get very panicky as he is awful but remembering that was how my life was 24/7 is quite shocking.

piddlypoddlypoo Thu 28-Jul-16 22:03:22

My home is just so quiet. Noone shouts at me and abuses me. I can come home and just flop, no treading on eggshells. Do it.

flyblossom Thu 28-Jul-16 22:24:51

lovehearts99 I know what you mean.
He was away for the weekend and it was lovely! I was just so relaxed.
I'm imagining that's what it's going to be like all the time.
My life just seems to be to serve him.
This thread is so helpful to me. I'm beginning to feel hopeful that I am doing the right thing so thank you to all your responses.

flyblossom Thu 28-Jul-16 22:26:43

Garbadgeman that's something I have thought of a lot that you only get one life. I don't want to spend the rest of it with him.

Garbadgeman Fri 29-Jul-16 01:17:01

Then you have nothing to fear and everything to look forward to OP. I think it's the anticipation element that's making you anxious here, I hope it's not too long now before you can make your move. Once it's done I suspect all your doubt will disappear, waiting to go, knowing he doesn't know what you're planning must be excruciatingly nerve wracking for you but once it's done you will be able to breathe easy again. Hang in there, I'll look forward to your 'I've done it!' post smile

SandyY2K Fri 29-Jul-16 07:13:02

Congratulations on getting this far. Your DD sounds like a great girl lending you that money. You've clearly done a good job with her.

You weren't born to be abused and serve him like a king. Your new life will be so much better. As well as your girls too.

flyblossom Fri 29-Jul-16 13:05:58

Ok. I went down to the letting agents today to ask if everything was going ok with the house.
Apparently there is a problem. On the tenancy agreement, me and my daughter have to be in full time employment. In other words they won't accept dss even though the letting agent said they did.
This has really knocked me for 6. I was so close and now it's been snatched away. sad

Garbadgeman Fri 29-Jul-16 13:09:14

Thats rubbish OP sad might be worth contacting the housing dept at the council, they usually have a list of landlords who do accept housing benefit. Don't give up, where there's a

flyblossom Fri 29-Jul-16 18:13:19

No I won't give up. There is a 2 bedroom cottage for rent with the same letting agent. That accepts housing benefit unless he's got that wrong too.
2 bedroom won't be so bad. I can sleep in the living room while the girls have a bedroom each.
I will get in touch with the council on Monday In case it doesn't accept benefits.
Thanks for the encouragement. smile

tipsytrifle Fri 29-Jul-16 18:59:20

It isn't sad that your dc won't miss him. It's confirmation that you're doing the right thing. Keep doing the right thing and leave. Give dc everything you can. Find another place to go, dear soul. You are a brave woman. Do it.

Twiggy71 Fri 29-Jul-16 19:10:33

Keep going Flyblossom I was you 8 years ago and even now i still feel free, this will be you and your dds. It will be hard for a while but keep going as its so worth it. flowers

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now