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Should I let go of this friend? Let me down big time.

(20 Posts)
maggiethemagpie Thu 28-Jul-16 11:21:41

I went away camping at a festival with a friend... someone I don't see very often as we live far away. I was looking forward to meeting up with her, it'd been a while. I've known her about a year. We've been good friends during that time, despite the fact that we don't live nearby so only catch up every few months or so.

However. I saw a different side to her this time. She was very off with me from the start. Didn't show any interest in me or my family. Made friends with some other people and went off with them. Agreed she'd meet me in my tent one evening, once she'd settled her daughter to sleep, left me waiting ages, then i discover she's gone to the new friends tent leaving me waiting for her like an idiot. When I tried to tell her she just said she'd forgot (unlikely, I'd spoken to her half an hour ago when she said to wait up) and that I was being ridiculous.

I lent her some makeup - quite expensive makeup not that that should make a difference. The next day she couldn't find it. Then I did get a bit stroppy because she was saying I should go and look for it - when she was the one who'd borrowed it. She then said I was upsetting her.. I said are you the only one who can get upset then? Cue big shouting match, world war three, her husband shouting at me, me running off in floods of tears. And this is supposed to be a happy event where you have fun with your friends,

Later her husband found me and said 'are we all alright now?' I said 'yeah but we need a chat' Well the chat was her then coming up to me telling me not to shout at her and how I'd had a dose of her.

I thought it would be a two way chat to discuss what happened and both clear the air, say sorry or whatever. But she's not interested in how I feel. Since then we were civil to each other but there was definitely an atmosphere.

I'm so angry at her now, and her husband. I don't usually shout with friends, family ocasionally but I expect to work things out with friends without shouting.
We're supposed to be going to stay with them in a few weeks time and I really don't know if i want to now.

I used to have poor self esteem and let people treat me like shit and now I've gone the other way it seems, any hint of being treated badly and I just want to run away.

I'm all for chatting things through and resolving them but how can you even do that if the other person can't be in the wrong.

I think I should dump this friend, we have got on well in the past but I can't let this go. I just feel like she's not the person I thought she was and it's sad, but I'm not going to pretend it didn't happen.

What would you do?

Finola1step Thu 28-Jul-16 11:28:05

You've only known her a year. You see her every few months. She lives far away. You got on well before but now you have seen another, unpleasant side to her. Walk away. Life is too short to invest such emotional energy in people who won't reciprocate.

Let the friendship drift. Don't stay at hers. Cancel that one. Take a big step back and see what happens over the next few months.

sansXsouci Thu 28-Jul-16 11:33:26

It sounds like far to much hard work with someone quite unpleasant for the effort of a long distance friendship. You haven't known her for long, so there's no shared history to loose. I would cancel the visit.

Missgraeme Thu 28-Jul-16 11:33:52

I wouldnt be contacting her never mind another holiday! She is never gonna take responsibility for her shocking teenage behaviour! Make a mental note not to share hols with anyone again. I have tried it 3 times. First camping we took a weeks food and the other family took 1cooked chicken! It rained the whole week - they had soggy trailer tent - we had caravan. Guess who hosted for a week?? Second was a haven site. Friends dh took to calling my ds 'son' to the point I was afraid people thought he was my dh!! Third time in Spain I cooked for both families one night - her turn she said the campsite shop was closed so she couldnt cook anything!! Never again!!

IronNeonClasp Thu 28-Jul-16 11:39:04

I wouldn't put up with this from any 'friend'. Dump and no regrets.

This is not your 'friend'. This is a person who wants all the attention and steals. Unbelievable how they treated you (and did you a favour showing true colours!!!!).

ASpiderInThebath Thu 28-Jul-16 11:39:08

Yes I would be running a mile from a 'friend' like this. She sounds too much like hard work! You're right, she probably isn't the person you thought she was, a year isn't a long time at all to get to know someone, especially if you don't see them very often. He obviously has another side to her personality, one you hadn't seen before. I mean, we all have bad days where we might be a bit curt with a friend but to go on and not back down or discuss things with you like adults.. Honestly it would be game over for me.

IronNeonClasp Thu 28-Jul-16 11:39:39

I wouldn't put up with this from any 'friend'. Dump and no regrets.

This is not your 'friend'. This is a person who wants all the attention and steals. Unbelievable how they treated you (and did you a favour showing true colours!!!!).

ASpiderInThebath Thu 28-Jul-16 11:40:14


StealthPolarBear Thu 28-Jul-16 11:41:23

If you've only known her a year and only see her every few months surely you can't have seen her more than four times? That's not a close friend, that's an acquaintance surely!

SoleBizzz Thu 28-Jul-16 11:43:14

You are not compatible as friends. Take a big deep breath and dump her silently. Tell her you're not going on holiday cancel everything. This will be great for your self esteem. Do you see her around town etc?

SaggyNaggy Thu 28-Jul-16 11:44:22

What would I do?
Tell her to go fuck herself with a very large and splintery barge pole, tell her to stick it right up her arse using only lube woith same in.

What should you do?
Quietly go non contact and find other friends.

Or.... Poke her in the eye with a pointy stick. Its up to you.

Thomasisintraining Thu 28-Jul-16 11:46:44

You don't see her often and have only known her a year, you will barely register she is out of your life.

maggiethemagpie Thu 28-Jul-16 11:47:33

You're right, she has shown her true colours. We have friends in common, who I will stay in touch with and I won't have any sort of 'showdown' I'll just drift from her. I'll still go to see my other friends in her home town (who I know her through) so we may still see each other incidentally, but I won't make the effort. It really hurts that she barely spoke to my two little kids, they are part of me and so by not showing an interest in them she was not showing an interest in me. I on the other hand spoke loads with her daughter, who made friends with my daughter (and the two girls are looking forward to seeing each other again so that's a shame but I'm not going to subject my kids to adults shouting, or seeing me upset)

I can be quite forgiving but only if people are prepared to take some responsiblity for their behaviour. If it's always going to be my fault, to the extent that I'm not allowed to ask for my makeup back, or if I do then I have to look for it (WTF???) then I can't be arsed.

People can either treat me with respect or else fuck off.

SaggyNaggy Thu 28-Jul-16 11:49:34

People can either treat me with respect or else fuck off.

SaggyNaggy likes this Post.

maggiethemagpie Thu 28-Jul-16 11:50:30

Stealth, I measure closeness of friends not by the amount of times I've seen them but how close it feels IYSWIM. We did become close friends very quickly, I probably saw her about six times but each time was quite a long time as I'd either stay with her or her with me, so probably about 6 visits of 1-2 nights each time, which is enough to build up a bit of bonding... until it all goes wrong.

2kids2dogsnosense Thu 28-Jul-16 12:09:16

You are doing the right thing by kicking her into touch. Some friends are worth fighting for - we can all have misunderstandings etc - but other "friends" are a waste of space.

Life is too short to spend time with someone who treats you like sh*t.

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF Thu 28-Jul-16 12:18:44

OP - I don't think she sounds worth the effort. I did pick up on your remark about previously having low self esteem and how bloody difficult is to 'get the balance right'. I have been a complete doormat in the past, and I often worry the 'new me' is too assertive ( possibly because the less confident 'me' hasn't gone way entirely). I always feel very shaky if I absolutely have to confront someone about their behaviour, and it sucks. You are perfectly within your right to defend yourself, but I understand the self-doubt that can emerge in the aftermath of doing so. Big hug.

maggiethemagpie Thu 28-Jul-16 12:32:26

I think the dealbreaker for me is the complete unwillingness to take any responsibility, to say sorry for her part. She said 'don't shout at me again, or you'll get another dose of me'... which is basically saying to someone 'shut up'.

Also I cannot forget what her husband said to me. Over the makeup incident, so hardly he biggest thing in the world, he told me he wanted me off the site by morning (they were doing a performance at the festival so I was staying with them in the artist's area). Really aggressive and horrible to tell me to leave like that. I ran off in floods of tears at the time, another friend came after me but they never said sorry for this. Obviously they didn't make me leave in the morning but the threat was clearly there.

No, the more I think about it the more I see that this is no friend. There was one other incident another time, when she came on my hen do. We were staying at a hotel and there was some leftover prosecco in a strong supermarket bag (bottles being heavy and all that) and she decided she wanted the bag so tried to take it out and put my bottles in a flimsy thin carrier bag. When I said I'd never get the 3 bottles back in a flimsy bag she just tried to take it anyway, said she needed the stronger bag. She actually tried to take it by force and there was a tussle. We laughed about it later, turned it into a joke ('the war of the bag' and all that) but what it actually says is that she's selfish and tries to do things by force rather than discussion. I mean, we could easily have got another strong bag from one of the nearby shops but she wanted to just take my bag and leave me with the problem of finding another one. Selfish and borderline violent, I mean she was trying to rip it out of my hand.

Yes, this thread has made me realise that despite her apparant good qualities which drew me to her in the first place there's a darker side underneath which is enough of a dealbreaker for me to walk away.

Thomasisintraining Thu 28-Jul-16 12:42:45

People can either treat me with respect or else fuck off

A good motto to live by.

StealthPolarBear Thu 28-Jul-16 12:44:11

I think it's maybe just a difference in definitions then. I'd say of you're only just getting to see this then you didn't know her well before and therefore she wasn't a tally a good friend. Different use of the word I suppose.

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