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I'm going to end my marriage. Please help.

(71 Posts)
EElisavetaOfBelsornia Thu 28-Jul-16 09:58:42

I need to tell my husband I want to divorce. He's been violent previously though not for about two years when he stopped drinking after punching me. He's still abusive though, shouty and unreasonable. Last night I went out with a friend, only second night out this year, H accused me of having an affair, and said he intends to start drinking again.
We have a 6 and 3 year old, and a shared mortgage, joint account. I could afford to live here alone but not to buy him out. Property prices are really high here so we would get a good sum if we sold but I would struggle to find something else near DCs' school. I also don't know how I would manage childcare alone.
Can I make H move out? I am quite scared of how he will be when I tell him. I need to do this, for myself and DCs. I have had panic attacks in the past and I'm trying to hold it together just now but I feel really alone. Anyone got any advice or able to hold my hand?

OhNoNotMyBaby Thu 28-Jul-16 10:04:05

I'm afraid there is only one answer and that is - see a solicitor. I know they are horrendously expensive but you do need one. Protect your assets, get print outs of all savings accounts, bank balance etc. (My ex cleared out our joint account).

Well done on taking the decision btw. He sounds awful. No child should be brought up in a hostile atmosphere.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia Thu 28-Jul-16 10:08:34

Thank you OhNo. It's such a mess. We are due to go on holiday in 2 weeks, and then due to have a new au pair start FFS. I don't know if I should cancel her, it seems a really toxic atmosphere to bring a young woman into, but because of the nature of my job it's the best option for childcare.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 28-Jul-16 10:10:58

Contact Womens Aid to help you with an plan of how to get him out.
Tell them about the past abuse, violent and emotional.
It may entitle you to legal aid.
Are you the DC main carer?
If so, you may be able to stay in the house for now and have him removed.
Do you have people in RL who you can talk to?
Family? Friends?
It will make it all more real for you if you can discuss it with others.

SenoritaViva Thu 28-Jul-16 10:12:46

You may need that au pair if you've managed to get rid of him. Best step is indeed solicitor and get all your dicks in a row before acting.

Have you ever called the police on him before? You may want to call a helpline to give you advice on informing whilst minimising risk to you.
Good luck, being strong now will improve your life later flowers

AnyFucker Thu 28-Jul-16 10:15:27

What hells said

You are making the right decision. Yes, it will be hard but your husband is abusive. He will be abusive if you stay together or if you split. And threatening g to start drinking again when he had stopped because of violence? ....well, that's a pretty overt threat, isn't it ?

When he hots you again he can blame you for driving him back to the drink. Very convenient. I suggest you start the ball rolling by seeing a solicitor and don't even wait around to see if he makes good on his threats.

AnyFucker Thu 28-Jul-16 10:15:53

*hits

timelytess Thu 28-Jul-16 10:17:27

get all your dicks in a row
Oh, happy day!

Sorry, OP, I loved Senorita's typo.
Do as the posters above advise, and see off the nasty man.
Good luck.

SenoritaViva Thu 28-Jul-16 10:21:16

Oh FFS! Well I hope the dicks in a row made you smile grin

EElisavetaOfBelsornia Thu 28-Jul-16 11:03:41

It did!! Thank you all for your advice.

I think I'm main carer, I work 3 days at the moment and he's 5 days. I have told a RL friend, it came pouring out last night and made it real. Yes I called the police once - lots of you helped me do it then though I had a different name. He got a Caution for assaulting me. But it was over 2 years ago so I don't know where I stand with that.

I would really like him to move out but I am sure he will refuse. I don't know what to do first, he's out with DCs at the moment but I won't have much time to myself. Maybe I will take this opportunity to call Women's Aid.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia Thu 28-Jul-16 11:07:26

Voicemail.

Do you think I should see a solicitor before telling H it's over? It's likely to be a few days before I can get time to do that, so I think it's pretty inevitable that the discussion with H will happen first.

PurpleWithRed Thu 28-Jul-16 11:15:37

Call Women's Aid. Get copies of anything to do with finances - bank accounts and any information about his and your pensions.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia Thu 28-Jul-16 11:19:45

I can't get through to Women's Aid. All the banking details are online and I don't have access. I'm a fucking idiot.

category12 Thu 28-Jul-16 11:41:03

If you have a joint current account, you can set up your own Internet login for it, assuming you have the account number and sortcode from your atm card?

I recommend you open your own separate current account as well, if you don't have one. You can do it online.

category12 Thu 28-Jul-16 11:42:20

Make sure you have an email account he doesn't have access to as well.

category12 Thu 28-Jul-16 11:51:36

Re-read - so yes you do have a joint account. So you can create your own login. That's normal - you both are supposed to be able to access it, securely and individually.

If you have any trouble, just give the bank a ring or go down to the branch. Take id and get any information you need.

You can get a joint account frozen if it comes to it, but that means everything stops so no money in or bill payments out - and it takes both of you going to branch to unfreeze it.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia Thu 28-Jul-16 12:02:20

Thank you category, I hadn't thought of going into branch - haven't slept much. I've got a work email address he can't access. A personal account is a good idea too, I will get onto that.
Womens Aid rang me back. I'm going to speak to H this evening when DCs are in bed to tell him it's over. My preference would be he moves out but I doubt he will agree so I think mediation or legal advice is the next step. Thank you all and please stay round for me - you all told me to LTB 2 years ago but I finally am.

Missgraeme Thu 28-Jul-16 12:11:21

When I knew I was going to tell my ex we were over - I filed for divorce first and looked into whether I would be eligible for any financial help - I got a bit of housing benefit and tax credits - I used the date I saw the solicitor as the day of separation. I had 4 kids and finances were the biggest worry as he worked and I didn't (all kids were under 7 and he wasn't hands on at all) Ask around for a solicitor that let's u pay in installments - my friend had 2 years to pay her bill over and she couldn't have managed to do it otherwise. And he is obliged to pay 50/50 unless u choose to pay full (?!)

Corialanusburt Thu 28-Jul-16 12:12:41

Could you delay telling him until you've got all the advice you need/documentation in order?

category12 Thu 28-Jul-16 12:15:46

Great smile You're doing well. I am glad women's aid got back to you.

I would open a new bank account for you - and get a Gmail or similar email address. Work email is OK, but you don't want to get into bother if they're hot on personal use of Internet at work - and you also need to be able to access it outside of work hours.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia Thu 28-Jul-16 12:26:53

I don't think I will be eligible for financial help, I am the higher earner though part time. I have been googling solicitors but have no idea how to find someone good or affordable. Work email will be fine, I access it at home and they wouldn't have an issue if I explain my circumstances.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 28-Jul-16 13:49:46

If he's an abusive arse then you can still contact Womens Aid who can point in the direction of a solicitor who is used to handling fuckwits!
You will need one of these so it's good to get recommendations.

rememberthetime Thu 28-Jul-16 13:51:52

Can you have someone with you when you tell him. If he has been violent in the past it might make sense - even if they stay in another room. Also if he leaves the house after you tell him - consider that he might go out and get drunk and if it might be safer to leave the house for a while if that happens.

MrsBertBibby Thu 28-Jul-16 14:04:02

Do you know anyone local who can recommend omeone? If not, use this

solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/?Pro=False

And this

www.resolution.org.uk/landing-two-cols.asp?page_id=21

To find local solicitors, specialising in family law. Ideally, find one with specialist accreditation or panel membership.

Then phone them. I will usually talk to new clients before booking them in, which gives them a chance to push off if they don't like the sound of me, or feel confident I'm the one for them.

Chickoletta Thu 28-Jul-16 14:12:28

You are being really brave and doing the right thing.

Glad you're in touch with Women's Aid. Citizen's Advice Bureau might also be worth contacting. Are you in a union for your work? I know that both mine and DH's (different industries) offer a free legal helpline.

Many solicitors offer a free one hour consultation - would be long enough to get some initial advice.

I'm worried about you breaking the news to him at home alone with the DCs in bed. Is there anything else you could do? Could you have someone with you?

I know that once you've made the decision you want to get on with it but I wonder whether it would be good to get all your advice first. It's payday tomorrow for most people - could you get this month's salary paid into a new account?

Thinking if you. Keep us posted.

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