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Is anyone up? just need to talk.

(19 Posts)
CoffeeCupsByTheSink Thu 28-Jul-16 01:01:55

Dh and I were discussing something to do with the children and it descended into another conversation where he said that I had changed. That I had become less happy, less laughing, more angry as if everyone was out to get me and my children. Perhaps I have. I explained that it was years of being ground down of people not listening. Of running from one thing to another. The conversation went through how I thought I was unappreciated, how if I had changed he would still be there anyway, was it motherhood that had changed me? He just wanted the happy me back. I said I had tried, gave him date night cards, he said it was a (can't remember the exact phrasing) thing i did then forgot about, I said no I had made music playlists, food menus, all he had to do was choose the dates but he never did. I did it that way so it wouldn't clash with his sport on TV etc. I reminded him he never did it. That was 18 months ago so I wasn't a priority. He said we needed to spend time together, I said I tried. Then it got on to how he didn't pull his weight during the week, he said he did last week, I said I wouldn't stress about it once it became a consistent thing, he said I stressed about the little things. I am not eloquent at all and I said but the little things he does undermine me. We had a conversation about his jacket hanging on the door. I worry the kids will make marks on it, it will fall off etc and he agreed. So I out a little note there to helpfully remind him, it was a joke this, it had hearts on it. He still hangs his jacket there. I pointed out tonight that him doing that, undermines me in a little chip chip chip way to the kids. That's why they think they can not listen to me. Like doing the dishes on the nights I work. Ok yes he did them last week, but it is never consistent. And he said small things like that don't matter. I said they do, because I feel resentment that I have to do them int he morning. Chip chip chip. He said it didn't. I said do you not see how the small things chip away at the bigger picture. These are microcosms but once you have four of five of them then they become an issue. I Sen thi the article linked on here about how the guys wife divorced him because of the coffee cups. I sent I to him so it could explain in a way that I couldn't. I tried to explain it wasn't a threat, but he threw it back at me, not getting the point of what I was trying to say and locked me out of the area we go for a fag, telling me to walk away, even as I was trying to explain that it was just the wording I was looking for, not a divorce about how the small things DO matter. No idea if he has read it, he just read the link title and went mad and shouted at me are you fucking kidding? . Now I am just so upset.

I know this is jumbled and doesn't make sense. I just needed to get it all out.

CoffeeCupsByTheSink Thu 28-Jul-16 01:10:35

Ok so he read it. He thinks it was written by someone who is uneducated and has no emotional intelligence. Doesn't see the relevance. Oh, and he thinks it was written by a woman! Despite it being a guys blog confused

RainbowHash Thu 28-Jul-16 01:17:22

Hi Coffee, it doesn't sound jumbled and makes sense. It sounds like a horrid situation and must be very tough for you. I'm not very good at giving advice but I couldn't read and not reply. Either he's not listening to you - and being disrespectful as a result, or maybe he just genuinely doesn't 'get' it. Are you being quite confident when you tell him these things? I think regarding the thread you've shown him, assuming you're being very clear that it was just an example of how the little things build up, and doesn't mean anything else, for him to react the way he has is a bit bullying in my opinion. Might he be trying to make you feel guilty, and turn himself into some sort of victim? I think you're going to need to be very strong here and stand your ground. Hug and flowers for you 💐

wishiwasntme Thu 28-Jul-16 01:28:28

Didn't want to read and run. I think this is common with guys, they often don't seem to realise that the little things do matter.

My dh will do things IF I nag him, but it doesn't seem to occur to him to do it just to help me out (eg, put his dirty plates in the sink or his dirty clothes in the laundry basket, even though he knows I struggle due to my health).
Something could be right next to him, or he'll be walking past it anyway, but it doesn't occur to him to take that extra step and put it away (or whatever). I don't know what the solution is, but I agree that the resentments build up, and if I question or pick him up on it, all I get is: "Well, it doesn't bother me" or "I don't expect you to do it; just leave it" but you can't just leave everything lying around everywhere.

CoffeeCupsByTheSink Thu 28-Jul-16 01:28:50

I think he doesn't get it. I home ed one child, two others at school, work 20 hours evenings and weekends, try and work a few hours a week at home for my business. Al let he house stuff, although he cooks Sunday's as I am at work. He plays gold EVERY weekend. We never go out, we hardly do family stuff as we are always one in one out. I make him a coffee every morning before work. When I work on the weekends during the day I get up and they are all still in end and still bring him a coffee. I am obviously in holidays with the kids this week and he is going to work. Do I get a coffee? No. I do the lawns, the bins, the DIY. But he earns the money. I said money doesn't equal value. He agreed and said so fine, I will look after the kids and you go to work. I pointed out I fdinthave the earning power. He agreed and said so we will struggle to pay the mortgage, we would have to scale back our life and eat beans. Sigh, he just didn't GET it! I am run ragged. I went out the other month for the first time in over a YEAR. (Except for my work Xmas party) I try and have the house nice for when he comes home. He says he doesn't care, but I do. So we have different standards. But then he says I am no longer laughing and happy. I am exhausted. I am happy and laughing at work, why is that? Oh, probably because I am appreciated and people listen! Yes I fall asleep in the couch most nights. I can't help it, I am tired! But he doesn't do casual affection anymore either. I try. But our sex life is basically zero. I think I am just tired. He has gone to bed now. sad he didn't say good night either.

Sorry, brain dump.

CoffeeCupsByTheSink Thu 28-Jul-16 01:29:14

Forgot to say, thank you for replying. flowers

wishiwasntme Thu 28-Jul-16 01:44:42

Same here. My dh is lovely in many ways, but he has no idea how down I feel and how fed up I am of doing almost everything by myself, even though he knows that I struggle.
To be fair, he does put the bins out every week and he does make me a cuppa every day, but that's about it. We've barely spoken today and he usually goes to bed without even telling me or saying goodnight.

I'm sorry that I'm not much help; I don't really have any solutions, but you're not alone.

CoffeeCupsByTheSink Thu 28-Jul-16 01:52:11

Thank you for replying. I am sorry you feel the same way, but it does help to know I am not alone. Thank you for taking the time to talk to me.

whateverrrr Thu 28-Jul-16 01:52:21

I understand what your feeling OP and that you don't think he gets it. He sounds like he feels that he has lost the woman he fell in love with and was maybe trying to tell you that he misses the intimacy that you both used to have as a couple. He is telling you what he feels and you are telling him what you feel. Somehow you need to find a way to communicate that is not directly making him feel defensive but in a way that you are expressing how you need help. So rather than "you don't help me" you could say " I feel I need more help". It does sound like a pivotal point in your relationship that needs addressing in a constructive way before resentment builds up on both sides to the point where neither of you feels they are getting their needs met. This could potentially lead to emotional shut down and worse.

Rainbow Thu 28-Jul-16 01:57:55

YANA. Men don't get it. Hints go over they heads and sarky comments are just taken literally. I live in a male dominated household (I am the only female apart from the dog). I got to the same unappreciated, unloved, invisible place you are in. I tried in vain to talk to them without it being taken the wrong way too. I drew up my daily timetable.
5.30 up washed dresses. Washing in machine. Wet clothes on line/tumble dryer.
6.00 get DC up. Force DC to use bathroom. Check DC have on correct uniform, bags, lunch etc.
7.00 leave for work
7.20 drop off DS4
7.30 drop off DS2/3
8.30 start work
4.30 leave work
5.00 pick up DS2-3
5.15 pick up DS4
5.45 get home, cook dinner, get in washing/empty tumble dryer and reload. Empty washing machine and reload.
6.30 bath DS4
7.00 story and bed
7.15 tidy up, load dishwasher, clean kitchen
8.00 DS3 bed
8.10 continue housework.
9.00 DS2 bed and prepare tomorrow's lunches etc.
9.30 bed for me.

I then did one for DS1.
5.30 up washed and dressedressed
5.50 leave for work
6.00 start work
2.00 finish work
2.15 relax until bedtime.
9.30 bed

4.30 up washed and dressed
4.45 leave for work
5.00 start work
1.30 finish work
1.45 maybe load the dishwasher, cook then relax until bedtime
9.30 bed

They didn't realise (I swear they thought the magic tidy up fairy did it 😊). We then divided up the jobs between everyone.
It's by no means perfect and the majority is still done by me but I get a couple of hours to sit, relax and chat.

Try talking to him again. Maybe write a few notes about what you want to say so your not thinking on your feet and it comes out wrong (I'm expert at that).
Good luck Coffee xxx

CoffeeCupsByTheSink Thu 28-Jul-16 01:58:01

That makes sense and is good advice, thank you.

Rainbow Thu 28-Jul-16 01:59:50

And if you ever need a vent, shoulder or just a chat, we're here x

CoffeeCupsByTheSink Thu 28-Jul-16 02:00:42

Thank you for replying. Notes is a good idea. That's why I Sen them the link, as it explained, but he said I sent it 'cold' with no explanation so how was he meant to take it. A little bit of time and I can see what he is saying so maybe notes is a better way.

CoffeeCupsByTheSink Thu 28-Jul-16 02:01:05

Thank you x

TheNaze73 Thu 28-Jul-16 08:31:23

I must say whateverrr I think, has hit the nail completely on the head. I reckon he's detached as he feels he's lost the woman he fell in love with & vice versa. You're both in a toxic cycle which is only going to get worse, without firm action. Think an off site meeting is called for, just the two of you before one of you toes something drastic

TheNaze73 Thu 28-Jul-16 08:31:45

Does not toes

CoffeeCupsByTheSink Thu 28-Jul-16 11:09:34

Thanks. We text this morning about our son (same thing we were talking about last night) and on the end I said sorry we rowed last night, I do love you and I will try to be less angry. He replied re our son but not about the row. sad

TheNaze73 Thu 28-Jul-16 12:12:35

I think that's where his head is at, at the moment, he's sounding as angry and as frustrated you. Small steps moving forward though can salvage this. In a perverse way, the fact you're both so angry/annoyed shows you both care

Rainbow Mon 01-Aug-16 10:18:20

How's things Coffee? X

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