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Is this my fault?

(5 Posts)
LittleDandelion Wed 27-Jul-16 20:36:21

Sorry this is going to be a long post, I'll try fit all the main points in over an 11 year relationship. Been with OH since I was 17 and was pregnant with our DC1 at 18, he was 22 we just moved in together and he ended up cheating on me when I was about 6 months gone. He swore nothing happened but during an argument a year later he slipped up that he kissed her and he thought I knew. She told me she slept with him twice but he swears blind nothing happened, I just had to take his word for it because I loved him although I had serious doubts and as I wasn't allowed to talk about it for any more than a few days I never really healed or truly got past it.

First 10 years have not been great and another child came along. We have had some good times but loads of bad ones and massive rows, he's really difficult and really hard to talk to. It's like he doesn't listen so you repeat yourself and go blue in the face saying the same thing over and over again until you go crazy. The last year I was so low and upset because he rarely looked at me or even wanted to spend time with me unless he wanted sex. I felt like a maid and nothing else. I tried and tried until I felt like I had no strength left to fight but still loved him so much it was so hard to leave.

This next part I am not proud of and stated just over a year ago. Feeling as low as I was desperate for love after so long of having none I started confiding in a friend (male) who I had known several years. It developed into more and I was besotted in love, feeling what I wanted to from OH for 10 years. At that point I truly believed OH didn't care about me so I felt little shame at the time. He found out and initially went crazy. Surprisingly though he completely changed and pleaded for us to try again and completely changed, showing me actual love like I've been needing from him for so long.

After a couple of months it all changed again, he went extremely insecure (which I understand) but he took it to the extreme. I tried to reassure him but all he did was constantly bring up his name and verbally abuse me calling me all the names under the sun. He demanded my Facebook password, which I initially game him but it got to the point where he read all my messages even from family and I didn't know I had any as I got no notifications and I felt like it was a massive invasion of privacy. I kept my phone locked to stop him constantly snooping through because even if a male friend said hello he would message him absuse and give me a really hard time. I said if at any point he wants to look I will show him instantly but he still insisted I unlock everything. I said fine, as long as he unlocks his but he didn't so I haven't mine. He said we agreed to move forward so that's what we will do and he won't mention the OM ever again. Things were good again

Skip forward and I got up as normal, got ready and noticed he was acting agitated and differently. Ended up with him having a massive go at me calling me more names and saying I'm up to something , still seeing OM and apparently flirting with everyone. I get a bath every day and spend the same amount of time getting ready - but he says apparently I was in the bath all day and that because I shaved my legs and used conditioning spray it's weird? Yet I always do those things! He mentioned my locked phone again and I said his is still locked so unlock it like I ask and I'll unlock mine too like I said. He said what's the point now it's too late, and now he is leaving me. I am gutted. I can't help him when he is so unreasonable and up rational. Even got to the point where I can't leave the house without him unless it's for the school run or quickly pop to shop and back because he doesn't think it's right and I can meet men. Half of me feels like begging him to stay and carry on working on it because when he tries he really can, but him being unreasonable and hitting the roof gets in the way rather then sitting down and talking to me. What's worse is I quit my job to ttc baby number 3 which I could very well be carrying right now. Do I just give in?

MephistoMarley Wed 27-Jul-16 20:53:40

When you've been with someone for 11 years and 10 of them have been bad then it's time to get rid. No more to say.

SandyY2K Wed 27-Jul-16 21:09:18

Maybe the relationship has run it's course.

He cheated on you early on. That girl was telling you the truth.

You have to ask why he doesn't want to unlock his phone as well. That's a red flag that he has something to hide.

It was okay for him, but he went insane with jealousy when it was you.

Don't beg him. Never beg. It gives them the upper hand.

If he wants to work on things then you can both consider counselling. Otherwise try and develop a coparenting relationship with him.

Heirhelp Wed 27-Jul-16 21:16:13

Stop TTC now and make plans to get out of this relationship. It is not good for you are your children. It does not matter who caused what problems. The only thing that matters is what happens next.

HeddaGarbled Wed 27-Jul-16 21:27:51

This relationship sounds seriously unhealthy and unhappy for both of you and I recommend that you end it. Don't worry about whose fault it is/was. You were both very young when you got together. Now it's time for you both to move on and put all this crap behind you.

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