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(14 Posts)
Wrecktangle321 Wed 27-Jul-16 19:36:23

I'm currently going through some tests to embark on a round of IVF treatment. My previous attempt was successful and I have a beautiful daughter - she means everything to me. I was successful after three attempts, and shortly after one failed attempt I had a drink/driving conviction. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt over the IVF and the conviction. My partner has stood by me through all this, and is a kind and stable person. The reason for the IVF lies with me - he is fine. To compound things, I recently had an email from an ex from 10 years ago. I've ignored it but it is making me question my true feelings/my reaction to it. My partner deserves better than this. I'm currently thinking that I should move out, live with my little girl - but maintain a close relationship with my partner, but allowing him to move on? I don't want to hurt her either. But I really do think my partner deserves better...

ivykaty44 Wed 27-Jul-16 19:49:18

Would think it's better to stop with IVF if you are unsure about your relationship

Missgraeme Wed 27-Jul-16 19:56:22

Ivf is a joint journey so stop taking the blame. One police incident doesn't make u a candidate for crimestoppers so don't be dramatic about that either! Take a break from ttc and enjoy some family time. Email the dude and say thanks but no thanks. Take stock of your marriage coz your dh sounds like he is in it for the long haul!

Wrecktangle321 Wed 27-Jul-16 20:00:32

Thanks Missgraeme, that made me smile xx

HeddaGarbled Wed 27-Jul-16 21:33:04

I don't understand why you are thinking about leaving your partner. What circumstances or feelings or thoughts has the random email from the ex compounded?

Wrecktangle321 Wed 27-Jul-16 21:52:41

Guilt - because I had strong feelings for this ex.

HeddaGarbled Wed 27-Jul-16 23:30:24


You feel guilty because you have had problems conceiving (though you have succeeded in having a wonderful daughter, who I'm sure means as much to your partner as she does to you), have a drink driving conviction and once had strong feelings for an ex.

If you love your partner, you need to actually think about him. How do you think he will feel if you leave him and take away his daughter? Feel guilty now? Because you should. He will be devastated. Do you really think so little of him that you think he will be able to "move on" so easily?

I would strongly recommend that you look into some counselling for yourself to deal with your emotions around your difficulties conceiving. Can the IVF clinic point you in the right direction with this?

pallasathena Thu 28-Jul-16 12:07:47

You're about to self-sabotage because of pent up guilt. Not advised! Have you self-sabotaged before? This could be a coping mechanism which really, is a subconscious form of avoidance. When we're stressed, the fight or flight mode takes over too. You've opted for flight...I'd suggest get into fight mode and fight to keep what you have.
I'd seriously practise some gratitude if I were you, for having a loving and caring partner.
And be kind to yourself.

Wrecktangle321 Thu 28-Jul-16 16:25:54

That's interesting about the self sabotage. I was thinking more that I'd be freeing us all to lead happier lives. I wouldn't take his daughter away, I'd live close by and I'd make sure we'd all still have a close relationship.

Wrecktangle321 Thu 28-Jul-16 16:38:39

It would be devastating for him initially, but would he be much happier in the long term? Rather than staying with me and potentially not being able to expand his family.

OhNoNotMyBaby Thu 28-Jul-16 16:59:12

Your thinking is very confused. You say you believe it would be better for your DH if you left. But it is not down to you to make that decision, it is down to your DH. You cannot decide his happiness for him, he has to do that himself.

And the same applies to you too. Forget what you think would make OTHERS happier. What will make YOU happier?

Wrecktangle321 Thu 28-Jul-16 18:58:10

I don't think he is happy. He works late, sleeps on the sofa most nights - he is just not admitting anything.

Wrecktangle321 Thu 28-Jul-16 19:00:33

I actually feel fairly happy - but guilty.

Chelazla Thu 28-Jul-16 19:44:07

He's probably unhappy because you're feeling guilty (for no reason) and therefore probably distant! I would get a baby sitter, cook him a lovely meal and have an early night! Bet you both feel loads better!!!

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