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I'm still scared of my ex.

(10 Posts)
NickiFury Wed 27-Jul-16 18:19:00

After over seven years of being separated, currently divorcing, I still feel sick and fearful when a message or call from him comes through. He drinks a great deal and is very unpredictable. He doesn't see the kids to a set schedule and this is for the best as I truly believe they would not be safe with him for overnights or weekends due to his drinking. There's no legal contact agreement in place. He'd never keep to it anyway.

I pretend to be amicable with him, I answer "how are you?" Blah blah blah messages in a pleasant fashion etc. However I feel sick and anxious for days after he has contacted me. He was so very abusive and unpredictable that I had a complete mental break down that lasted 8 months and was diagnosed with PTSD after I finally managed to end our marriage. He's still unpredictable for example he will call out of the blue asking to take the kids out of the country on holiday right at the last minute and when I say no citing school or previous arrangements he will send reams of abusive and argumentative messages. The only thing I will say is he never bears a grudge - his attention span is too short for that.

My children both have autism and are functioning emotionally and cognitively at least two - three years behind their peers. My son's self care skills are near non existent even though he is in his early teens.

I need practical ideas on how to deal with this man and protect my children. Periodically I become moderately depressed and full of anxiety and I am sure it is the constant low level stress I am living under.

KarmaNoMore Wed 27-Jul-16 18:24:42

Similar situation here. My advice:

- Be more passive about contact. If he forgets to see the kids more often, let it be, just remember that is for the best.
- you need to get access to counselling even if you feel OK when he is out of the picture. It will help you to realise how much of those fears are still justified after all these years and to find possible ways to tackle the problem.

I think that sometimes we get so worried to be there for our kids, that we forget that we are equally important and need the help to carry on.

KarmaNoMore Wed 27-Jul-16 18:25:10


Dutchcourage Wed 27-Jul-16 18:27:21

nicky can you not got to email contact only? I know it's still out of the blue but at least you can decide when to open and answer.

Dutchcourage Wed 27-Jul-16 18:28:27

I think you have done amazing to try and keep things smooth for your DC but I think you need to start protecting yourself here too.

NickiFury Wed 27-Jul-16 18:48:16

He won't keep to any boundaries I put in place. He'd never keep to email and would just keep phoning my oldest on his phone to get me. His big thing is that we are "friends" so can have chats and be amicable etc. I think he actually really wants that in a way but can't help himself but to kick off of thwarted or challenged. He's probably got ODD, I think anyway or else BPD but this doesn't quite fit. Not that it matters really.

Thanks for your replies, I actually got a lump in my throat just reading them and being able to have someone respond to me. Suppose I am quite isolated in RL.

KarmaNoMore Wed 27-Jul-16 19:01:04

I think that is the problem, you need to break that bond created when you were friends. He is not your friend, you are scared of him so you need to try to find the help to break that "bond" and start acting more according to what you feel, you know and what you perceive.

It isnit an easy task, especially if you have been conditioned to agree to his requests in order to avoid confrontation or to keep yourself safe. But there is help out there, you can start by visiting your GP or even talking to Women's Aid, which can put you in contact with organisations that can support you to make such change.

Dutchcourage Wed 27-Jul-16 19:11:08

nicky I'd change your numbers, he is still controlling you and now doing it to your son. He isn't your friend flowers

Dutchcourage Wed 27-Jul-16 19:12:14

What support have you got in RL? Do you go groups/pub/friends ?

NickiFury Wed 27-Jul-16 19:37:20

I have friends. I've been lucky to be able to find friends who also have children with autism so we all understand and can make allowances for each other's children. They've been a life saver really. Family are far away and never helped out really, they were very difficult during diagnosis and not at all supportive which is something I find hard to get over. Don't get out much for obvious reasons, probably about once every three months. I don't really mind that, I do tons with the kids and our friends. I just want to stop living under this big black cloud of ex H.

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