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Time to stop DC having contact with FIL?

(7 Posts)
woodstack Wed 27-Jul-16 17:33:22

To cut a long story short, FIL is pretty toxic. He has a long and varied history of seriously unreasonable behaviour and selfishness. He regularly tells DH how he is a terrible son and how flawed he is as a person. DH is neither. FIL is never wrong and blames all the ills in his life on other people. DH tolerates him due to FOG.

DH tries to minimise contact with him as it's difficult and often painful, see above, and usually just gives FIL additional fuel to flame DH with. FIL lives quite a way away so we don't see him that often.

Recently, out of the blue with no previous discussion on the matter, he wrote to DH stating that he will no longer be giving the DC presents at birthdays and Christmas as they don't contact him, for which he holds DH responsible. They are 12, 9 and 7 years old. All 3 birthdays have since passed and he didn't acknowledge any of them in any way - apart from when our eldest DS answered the phone on his birthday and FIL asked him why no contact [confused face from DS]. He didn't wish him happy birthday.

DH has told FIL that he has crossed a line, that if FIL continues to make DC feel bad/guilty then there will be no contact with them. FIL says he will continue with the no presents/acknowledgement thing until they contact him enough [god knows how much/ by what means/ how often would be acceptable]. I strongly feel this is the start of his toxicity leaking into the next generation and that this can't be allowed. Does anyone have any experience to share or advice to give? My blood boils.

SewSlapdash Wed 27-Jul-16 17:39:03

In answer to your question, yes, it's time to stop contact. Grandchildren shouldn't have to earn the love and respect of three GPs and that's a pretty unhealthy example for them.

Heatherplant Wed 27-Jul-16 19:46:16

It's run it's course hasn't it. People like that never change, it's always all about them. You can't drag the children into it so sadly it's looking like nc.

FaFoutis Wed 27-Jul-16 19:51:46

I agree, time to stop contact. Don't expose your dc to this.

zippey Wed 27-Jul-16 19:57:31

Probably, but maybe fil doesn't realise he is being a dick. He probably thinks he's an alright fella, and sees there has been a lack of contact and feels sorry for himself.

You should probably tell him why you choose to have minimum contact, but it does take some courage. Can't see him being easy to talk to.

Missgraeme Wed 27-Jul-16 20:02:18

U say - 'Adios u old git'!! Tell the kids he has has an old age crisis and don't look back. My mil did this to my 4 kids (3mine and 1 her bio gd!) we told them she wasn't the person we first thought she was and they never asked any more questions. . Our lives are so much happier without her!! Its like a weight has been lifted. My dh totally agrees he is so much happier.

Blushingm Wed 27-Jul-16 20:12:06

My PIl (soon to be ex Pil ) are the same. They NEVER contact dc but then get their arses in their hands if dc don't phone them etc. They do give gifts but it feels like they do it to show what great people they are and to out do me! I hate them

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