Why am I so horrible to lovely DP?

[MadHattersWineParty]

Argh I feel so cross with myself!!

DP is lovely, like really really nice, kind, patient. I am horrid.

This morning I was getting ready to go a hospital appointment at the same time he was getting ready to go to work. I get stressed and frustrated about these appointments. It's just a clinic kind of thing because I had a pulmonary embolism last year. They don't know why and it was probably down to the pill but every time I go to this bloody clinic I see someone different who hasn't read my notes and wants to do loads of blood tests that I've already had and it takes ages and I get more stressed about being late for work. Everyone is very nice but nothing about it is efficient.

Anyway. I know I need to leave at exactly eight minutes past eight to get the train I need to get to the hospital with time to check in etc. DP usually leaves about twenty past so I said I'd go ahead but he says he will walk with me. I should have just said I wanted to go on my own. He took ages doing his laces up and choosing what crisps to take out of the cupboard for his lunch. Okay not ages but the clock was ticking past the time I wanted to leave.

Then he starts faffing with the rubbish going to take it outside and I was getting irate and said he'd have to catch me up if he insisted on doing it now. It did come out very snappily though which I felt guilty about. Then he said he'd forgotten his umbrella and it was raining so I said 'too bloody bad, I'm going to be late' as it was I did miss the train I specifically wanted to get which stressed me out further but I did still get there on time.

Then he looked hurt and didn't speak to me or look at me for the whole of the tube journey and just walked off when he got to his stop. I'm in the doghouse for speaking to him in a horrible tone. And I know I do it. I just get stressed out and everything I say comes out like that. I need to stop doing it but how?! I have apologised but I know I'll end up doing it again.

Disclaimer: I know people have bigger relationship problems than this.

[hownottofuckup]

He sounds very irritating

[WibblyWobblyJellyHead]

He doesn't sound that nice.

[stitchglitched]

He doesn't sound 'lovely' to me!

[hownottofuckup]

If someone made me late insisting they walked with me I'm sure I'd snap too. Or just leave, although I imagine you'd be in trouble for that too?
Let me guess, you're going to be in the dog house now until you abjectly apologies and admit it was all your doing and he was just being caring and oh if only you weren't so terrible life would be good?

[MadHattersWineParty]

Oh but he's not! He's not even a big faffer really. I just have NO TIME for faffing at all. I need to have more patience. In his mind a couple of minutes wouldn't make any difference but to me it did because it meant i couldn't catch that specific train which just sent me on an irate downward spiral!

[hownottofuckup]

He spent all that time making you late for your train just so he could ignore you.
No wonder you get stressed.

[calzone]

I can't stand faffers!

[MadHattersWineParty]

He said I 'wasn't walking with him' I bloody well was just going at a brisk pace to get there and he couldn't keep up.

[exexpat]

Did he apologise to you for making you miss the train with all his faffing?

Obviously it would be better if you hadn't snapped at him, but everyone gets a bit snappish when they are stressed, and if he knew you were trying to get out of the house quickly he should either have hurried up himself or not insisted on coming with you. Next time just I'd leave him behind.

[2nds]

Why didn't you just leave when you wanted to leave, no matter what he was doing you could have just left.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

So your meant to stand by patiently while he makes you miss your train?

[2nds]

BTW ignoring you on the train journey is a bit childish, or is he controlling?

[2nds]

A pulmonary embolism is a serious thing and your appointments are important. I'd suggest that if he wants to act like a spoilt brat he could fuck off instead.

[Shoxfordian]

As you got there on time anyway; was there any reason you had to get that specific train?

Did you tell him you wanted to leave at exactly 8 minutes past 8?

I think maybe your first instincts that you'd been a bit unreasonable were right unfortunately. Maybe apologise and get some nice dinner in or something

[ImperialBlether]

He would drive me around the bend. I probably would have strangled him.

[DecoratingDivvy]

Did you say to him directly - DP/ DH - thanks that's nice you want to walk with me. I need to leave at exactly 8 minutes past 8 to get a specific train - will that be possible for you? Because that gives him the chance to think about it and you the guilt free get out to just leave and not wait at aforementioned time. I'm sorry if you said that already in a previous post, it's just not clear to me. it is hard to tell if he understood you had a very strict time table in mind.

[Naicehamshop]

What are you talking about Shoxfordian??
Are we back in the 1950s? He has made the OP miss her train in a stressful situation because he is - for some reason - unable to get out of the house at a certain time, and now he is sulking.
Definitely go without him next time, OP.

[TurnipCake]

Is he just as inept when it's an important appointment for him?

[DecoratingDivvy]

Opps - didn't read shox post which says same thing. Generally, earlier communication is really helpful but not always easy to manage. My DH doesn't stand for any rudeness and neither do I. We don't ignore the other person though, we diffuse or say immediately that we are hurt or don't understand why the other has said something unkind. Taken 10 years of practice and getting to know each other.
Maybe tonight you can say you're sorry for snapping at him. Next time you'll be really clear about needing to go/preferring to walk alone (unless you were in which case he was being unreasonable) And that you were sad/hurt at his ignoring and walking off.

[MadHattersWineParty]

I said 'DP I'll probably leave before you because I want the 8:25 train. So I'm going at 8:08.' He said 'I'll come with you' I said 'OK. I'm leaving in seven minutes though'. And he said fine. Then when he did take the rubbish down (block of flats so have to go down stairs and round the back) I'd already got halfway up the road and he jogged up to me.

I did still make it on time but only just, I wanted time to get there so thought being rushed. As I missed the train I wanted I waited eight minutes for another one which left me pushed for time. I know if I was under my own steam I'd have made it for the time I wanted.

I didn't speak nicely to him though.

[MadHattersWineParty]

*without being rushed.

I think he doesn't understand my need to sometimes work in specific times. Maybe I'm the odd one with that. He'd round things up to the nearest five minutes. So probably thought it'd be fine to leave at ten past.

[TurnipCake]

It's not odd to know train times in advance and think about your route accordingly. A hospital appointment is important, I would have been really cross too.

[Heavens2Betsy]

He probably thought he was being supportive by walking with you and you snapped at him.
Next time leave at 8 o'clock and give yourself 8 minutes breathing space at the station!

[GloriaGaynor]

But it wasn't fine, you missed your train. Personally I would have just left at the necessary time to get the right train. If he's ready to roll, fine if not you go anyway.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

You can't round train times up though!

It doesn't sound as if you were particularly the one at fault - you were snappy but you had a medical apt about a serious condition and he knew that. He was actually acting quite strangely - did he think you should suck up being late in order to walk to the tube with him, when he was choosing not to get a move on and had no actual need to travel with you?