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How on earth do I deal with this?

(12 Posts)
Onlyonce Tue 26-Jul-16 21:22:58

My mum has just rung me in tears. It happens every few months after a blazing row with my dad. The one before this was one of the worst ones ever and it looks like this one is a bad one.

I grew up with this. Weeks of them not speaking, passing messages through me, silence in the house. I remember feeling sick and upset every time it happened.

I have been seeing a counsellor and have other thread on here about all this. Counsellor was helping me with food issues. It seems my parents relationship was the cause of my anxiety and anorexia as a teenager. I struggle with my eating still.

I just cant do this anymore. How do I not let this get me stressed out? I really don't want to get involved. That makes me sound like a heartless cow doesn't it? I have my own dd and a full time job to deal with. I don't want to feel like I did when i was a kid again.

I didn't really say much to her on the phone. I just told her to take some deep breaths and calm a bit. I didn't even ask what happened. Dad will be pissed off at her for ringing me.

She said she was going to leave him last time. Well she doesn't drive, is not very mobile. I can't deal with it although I am gonna get flamed here I guess. I just need to write this down.

I have never been heard by anyone except my counsellor. My sibling is much older so it was just me growing up with this. I hated it. I don't think i really knew how much

MummyBex1985 Tue 26-Jul-16 21:52:16

Honestly? Cruel to be kind.

"I'm not listening to this anymore. Either do something about it or stop ranting at me because I'm done listening to it month in month out if you won't take any proactive steps to resolve the situation."

I did that with DM.

It's making you ill. She needs to know it's not acceptable to offload on you.

Cabrinha Tue 26-Jul-16 22:11:32

Why would you get flamed?
It sounds awful.
It's not your role now, any more than it was when you were a child.
You could give her the full blast on how bad it made your childhood if you think there is something to be gained by that - is certainly talk it through in counselling first, so you're sure how you'd feel about doing that.
In the meantime, I'd tell her "mum, I know you're upset but he's my father, this makes me uncomfortable, and I'm the wrong person to share this with, you need to turn to your friends on this one, not me". Like a broken record.

Onlyonce Tue 26-Jul-16 22:12:12

Thank you for understanding. I feel so awful feeling like this about her. It's just it was horrible growing up with it and I just don't need the stress tbh. She always rings me. Never dB. He lives a good few hours from us so I guess that's why. I already know she expects me to look after her. How am I supposed to do that? I have no time.

This is going to go on for months. What if she leaves him? She will be dependent on me.

MummyBex1985 Tue 26-Jul-16 22:15:51

If she leaves him then that's her choice and she has no right to depend on you.

Hard conversation to have, though.

Cabrinha Tue 26-Jul-16 22:19:13

She doesn't ring you because you live closer - but because you put up with listening to her! I bet your brother wouldn't.
Have you seen the "Stately Homes" threads on here? Check them out. You're not alone in having difficult parents or in feeling guilty for feeling that!

Onlyonce Tue 26-Jul-16 22:21:07

I know what she will expect

She had a serious operation two years ago. It was awful. But she forced me into helping her wash when she had drains fitted. I was scared of doing something that would hurt her but was basically forced into it as she wouldn't let nurses do it. Shes self conscious of her weight. Dad forced me into it too. Had to do it a second time. And dad said did I think I would get away with doing it once

Onlyonce Tue 26-Jul-16 22:38:27

If I tell her the truth she will just cut me out but would want access to my dd. Their relationship is one of the reasons I stopped them having dd when I was at work

Isetan Wed 27-Jul-16 01:18:16

The thing is, you weren't forced into anything and until you realise you have a choice, your rather unpleasant parents will continue to manipulate you.

Atenco Wed 27-Jul-16 02:11:26

Well I can understand having to help your mother after an operation, but children, even adult children, should never have to partake of their parents' relationship problems.

BubblingUp Wed 27-Jul-16 02:20:42

Familiar with this situation. Lived it. You don't have to make a scene or a statement or have a confrontation about her inappropriately involving you in her marriage. Just don't be available. Just because a phone rings, doesn't mean it has to be answered.

WhereYouLeftIt Wed 27-Jul-16 03:02:22

"If I tell her the truth she will just cut me out but would want access to my dd. Their relationship is one of the reasons I stopped them having dd when I was at work"

Well for starters, just because she would want access to your DD doesn't mean you have to give her access. Grandparents have no access rights. None. So with that thought in mind - would her cutting you out be so terrible? It would protect both you and your daughter.

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