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Should I tell him?

(18 Posts)
Graceflorrick Tue 26-Jul-16 16:37:05

I'm very happily married to my lovely DH. I am Very happy with my life and have a great lifestyle. I will never leave my DH and family, so no concern at all that this situation would escalate.

When I was 18 I met someone else. I was already in a relationship with my DH so nothing happened nor did I want it to. The other guy and I have always kept in touch through our circle although not close friends.

The first time I met him, he took my breath away and my heart raced. I've never had it before or since, so have just put it down to an odd series of events. So, a while ago he told me that he believes that it was love at first sight when he saw me. I laughed and suggested that he'd perhaps had too much to drink and we carried on our conversation, both laughing.

So my question is, as I felt that too should I tell him that? We're both happily married, so I know neither of us want more, but does he have a right to know? Initially I thought not and didn't actually want him to know, but recently he's had a serious accident and nearly died. When I didn't know if he'd pull through, I wished I had told him the truth and vowed that if he made it I would.

It's a bad idea to tell him, isn't it?

Graceflorrick Tue 26-Jul-16 16:38:51

He's ok now and on the road to recovery.

Cynara Tue 26-Jul-16 16:43:03

If you told him, what good could possibly come of it? All it would do would open a big can of "what if?" worms. You're happy with your husband. Don't go looking for trouble, it won't end well.

Graceflorrick Tue 26-Jul-16 16:49:47

'It won't end well.'

I know this. That's the reason I haven't told him in the last 20 years. Thank you for reminding me. I'm going to keep repeating this to myself.

Kuriusoranj Tue 26-Jul-16 16:57:58

Yes it's a bad idea, you know it is. You don't say how long ago it was that you met him, but it sounds like you're older and wiser now.

I don't see any harm in cherishing those secret emotions, tbh. I'd be amazed to find that you and I are the only ones who have ever felt so drawn to another and the secret pull and frisson that comes from an unrealistic and imaginary passion like that. I've loved a close friend like that for almost 20 years and I know he felt pretty much the same. He died suddenly 2 years ago and I mourned his loss and continue to miss him.

But he and I were grown ups - the timing never worked out for us and we accepted that, like grown ups living in the real world not an adolescent fantasy. We never discussed it, we behaved decently and honourably to our real partners and cherished our friendship. There was a private wondering of what might have been, but that was nothing more than a fleeting fantasy on a wet Wednesday. And of course it's lovely to feel such grand passion, even on a tiny secret scale. But you've never had to wash his socks, or smell his morning breath, or spend time with his boring parents, or co-ordinate your schedules so you can both get to parents' evening. You know, the real stuff. It's easy to glory in a fantasy, but it's not real life.

There is nothing at all to be gained by telling him - what on earth would you hope to achieve? Thank the lord that our private secret thoughts can stay that way. Focus on the real life you have with the people you really love and don't ever ever be tempted to confuse the two. No good will come of it.

Itsnowornever01 Tue 26-Jul-16 18:55:05

I am going to go against the grain here, most advice seems to be stay in your little box and don't' rock the boat. Sorry about the metaphors, but maybe life is for living and rocking ... But only if you don't value your marriage which you do? smile

Tinklypoo Tue 26-Jul-16 19:04:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ExtraHotLatteToGo Tue 26-Jul-16 20:13:15

I would tell him. He told you and I think it would be lovely for him to know it was the same for you. Just be sure to make it clear that it changes nothing now.

Graceflorrick Tue 26-Jul-16 20:36:47

Extra, that was my thought exactly! It would be nice to tell him for him and me. Surely 20 years on no harm can be done?

I'm leaning towards 'no good can come if telling him' though.

I just keep thinking, if he had died I am certain I would have regretted never telling him?

I've kept it secret for the last twenty years, I'm sure I can keep it to myself for the next twenty grin

Artistic Tue 26-Jul-16 20:43:45

I think you should tell him. Life is too short. He might be waiting to hear it do that he an move on knowing he hasn't imagined your love but that it was really there. It will take a weight of your mind and you both can continue your real lives while cherishing just the idea of how you both clicked.

Artistic Tue 26-Jul-16 20:45:15


He might be waiting to hear it so that he can move on

Graceflorrick Tue 26-Jul-16 20:50:28

Artistic, that is the dream.

I wouldn't change my real life for anything, I really don't have a secret agenda. I'd just like him to know. It's a lovely thing I think.

Artistic Tue 26-Jul-16 21:09:16

I agree. It's lovely to tell someone that they had the power to stop your heart for a second. It's wonderful to disclose as well as to hear it. More so if it's going to be said only once. Live the dream!

Iflyaway Tue 26-Jul-16 21:26:23

Well, you can.t be "happily married" if lusting after another... 18 is very young to be deciding the rest of your life anyway, barely out of school and into life as an adult..

MN calls it woo, but read Robert Schwartz Your Souls Plan.

Discover the deeper spiritual meaning of your relationships, circumstances


HeddaGarbled Tue 26-Jul-16 21:34:07

Do you think anyone ever has that "love at first sight" thing with someone they don't fancy the pants of? You were 18. It was just hormones wink

Graceflorrick Tue 26-Jul-16 21:36:27

If - I don't list after him. I like him, he's a really great guy and I'm happy that he's alive blush

Hedda, you make a very good point grin

Pleaseadviseme2679 Tue 26-Jul-16 21:59:33

I'm in a similar situation OP. No advice to offer (I wish I did!) but do sympathise.

Itsnowornever01 Tue 26-Jul-16 22:10:51

Only thing is how would you tell him, his happily married wife might not be too keen on the idea?!

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