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Guilt concerning relationship with mother

(4 Posts)
NowLivingAbroad Tue 26-Jul-16 14:24:05

I will try to keep this short.

I have not always had a good relationship with my parents - lots of physical and emotional abuse from both my father and mother. Well, my mother never came to my defence, preferring to bury herself in her work. She told me once that I was difficult. My father is now deceased and I'm the only child living in the same country as my mother. My other siblings are abroad; they also subscribed to the opinion that I'm difficult. All fine, even though I'm working on myself by reading a lot and perhaps thinking of getting therapy.

My mother and father had a business together. When my father died, I told my mother that I could do certain things in the business but not everything. Sorry, trying not to out myself. I said that because I'm working myself and I'm a freelancer and I do not want to put my career on the back burner, especially as I won't get any thanks doing so. I need to focus on myself and my DD.

This morning, my mother presented me with some documents pertaining to the part of the business I said I won't get involved in. I told her I had an appointment and I couldn't look at it. But I can't shake the guilt.

Basically, what I'm asking is how to stop feeling guilty for no reason? For a long time - I'm in my mid-thirties - I tried being the perfect daughter but now I no longer want to. I will still be kind but at the detriment of the things I value. When I told her this morning I didn't have time, she told me that I stayed inside for a long time. She currently lives with me although she is leaving soon. I told her that I was doing something and yes I was doing something that was important to me.

How do you assert yourself with your parents? I don't want her and my siblings to think I'm being difficult but sometimes, I feel like removing my name from the inheritance papers and going very far away. My other siblings did not make it to our father's funeral; they were busy, they said. I want my mother to understand that I'm grieving too and processing how to grieve for a man who called you stupid at every turn and beat you for no reason.

Thanks for reading this far and I welcome any suggestion.

BusyHomemaker Tue 26-Jul-16 14:49:36

I'm in a similar position to you in terms of asserting myself with my own parents. I wouldn't want to offer you any specific advice as I am still figuring it all out for myself but you may want to read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and If You Had Controlling Parents by Dan Neuharth. Your parents were abusive (still are?) and so this may help you make some sense of your situation and the books offer some helpful strategies on how to handle controlling parents.

I'm sure there'll be others here soon who can offer some valuable support.


NowLivingAbroad Tue 26-Jul-16 14:59:39

Thank you so much, BusyHomemaker . Yes, I'm now using that term in reference to them even though it took me a long time.

I will order those books - not in the UK but I can get them sent to me.

BusyHomemaker Tue 26-Jul-16 15:01:06

Toxic Parents is available on Kindle.

HTH smile

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