Hi - longtime lurker & not posted for a while but looking for a sense check on a current relationship issue.
First, my DP is a good man and has supported my through some very difficult times in my life. However, we have a communication issue in that neither of us will directly raise any issues with each other - so they simmer under the surface or get brushed under the carpet. We are both conflict adverse and I have spent my entire adult life trying to appease everyone around me - I'm a people pleaser to the extent my own wishes are often overlooked.
Anyway, we are having a very dry spell & the physical side of our relationship has all but vanished. It's the elephant in the room and the longer it goes on, the worse it gets. We now have pretty much no physical contact at all - not even a kiss :-(. We live seperately & when we spend time together, sleep in seperate bedrooms. This has always been the case re sleeping due to him being a v light sleeper & me a wriggler - but we always managed to have a good sex life.
I was ill last year, had major surgery & our sex life has never got back on track. I am desperate for a return to some kind of intimacy but neither of us discuss it & "it" or lack of, has become the norm.
Each weekend we are together, I want to raise it - don't get me wrong, we have nice times together but I've felt anxious about raising it as an issue for discussion because it's never a good time - it's the weekend, he's had a busy week at work and just wants to relax etc.
Last night I emailed him & raised the subject. I know not ideal, but we don't have long conversations on the phone, generally don't see each other during the week and I never just turn up at his house. I spent ages crafting an email which said how i was feeling, but in a non blame way, focusing on the good points of our relationship but saying we needed to talk at the weekend as I wasn't happy with a just friends arrangement & doubt he was either. As soon as I pressed send, I had a tight knot in my chest and (kind of) as expected he sent me a 2 line response saying he didn't need that at the start of a working week, sorry I was so dissatisfied and was very defensive.
I'm now at work, feeling sick and guilty I have even raised the subject when I know he probably feels I'm being ungrateful for all he does for me. The 2 issues are seperate though aren't they?
By the way, we've been together a number of years and are both 50's. It looks pathetic I know but other than raising the subject by email, AIBU?
Banana
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Relationships
Why am I so anxious when all I've done is raise an issue?
bananamilkshake1 · 26/07/2016 12:37
Sounds like you're stuck in a rut & one of you needs to break the cycle. Can't say I agree loveyou Sounds like both of you need to work at it. Why don't you go out for dinner & bring it up outside your usual environment. I'd be mightily pissed off at getting an email like that OP. Good luck 
He's being defensive because he either knows it's a big issue or he's feeling inadequate.
For being in his 50s he sounds incredibly immature. "Doesn't need that at the start of a working week". What does he do - work down the mines? 
When else are you supposed to talk about it and why is he prioritising work over you?
Hi OP, just the fact that you'd done it by email. If I felt like I was being attacked, which no doubt he would, I'd probably have hit delete & thought fuck this. I totally get why and don't think you'd purposely go out of your way to antagonise him, just think it was the wrong method. Just an opinion & how I'd see it 
I know exactly how you feel.
I know those knots. I know that sick feeling. I know the egg shells. I know what you went through and how many times you rewrote and rewrote and rewrote that email.
And I know the hope you had that the reply would be such a blaming shut down.
And I know the disappointment when it was a blaming shut down.
Cos I had that with my husband. There was never a good time to talk about anything.
Not at the weekend as its the weekend and he needs to rest, relax.
Not before work cos he is going to work and he doesn't need his whole day being ruined by my nagging or complaining.
Not after work cos he's been at work and is tired and wants to relax before dinner.
Not after dinner cos now he is tired and wants to wind down before bed and talking will wind him up.
Well, sorry mate but you have just covered every possible moment that there is.
Oh I forgot, can't talk about anything serious during dinner cos he is eating and doesn't want that ruined by me either.
I'm divorcing him. The above is part of the reasons why.
If your partner is similar then I would leave if I were you.
Communication is key.
You can't have a healthy happy relationship if your always nervous to bring anything up incase it annoys him or he brushes it aside and when you bring it up again then your a nag. That's no life.
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He makes you feel guilty so you see him as the victim and yourself as the abuser.
This hides his true role as the abuser with you as the victim.
To him, there'll never be a good time for you to talk about his issues and they'll always be your fault. You'll always need to be grateful for him being with you.
I bet at first he was lovely and this crept up.
You sound lovely but very confused.
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