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Haven't a clue who's in the wrong.

(37 Posts)
SnapYap Tue 26-Jul-16 11:13:19

NC for this.

Married to DH almost 2 years, together 2 years before that, 1 DS, 14 months old.

This weekend we had visitors coming in the morning. The house needed tidying. DH slept in and I really needed his help as DS tends to go around undoing the tidying which i do. I wanted him to watch DS for a while, whilst I tidied and had a shower and washed my hair. About an hour before our guests were due I went to wake DH, but he was already awake. He was annoyed that I didn't wake him up if I needed help. I told him I wasn't his mother and I'd asked him for his help in the morning the previous night, so why should I wake him up. This pissed him off and he was annoyed at me all day. I was annoyed that I didn't get to wash my hair but it wasn't a big deal.

It was a horrible atmosphere later so I said I was taking DS out. He said 'fine have fun bye' and got himself all comfortable on the couch so I took DS to my mum's house. She watched him while I showered and washed my hair and dried it. We then took DS to the park. Well when we got home DH was furious that we'd been to the park without him and that I'd done my hair at my mum's house. Said I should've done it here. I didn't see a problem!

Then there was an atmosphere all of Sunday. He told me he was sick of bearing the brunt of my moods.

Monday morning i was chatting to him as normal before he was going to work: an interview. He wanted to revise for his interview so I was told to shut up and leave him alone because he couldn't deal with me today. I left and went upstairs and he text me to say 'sorry if I upset you'.

Last night we decided to put all the bad feeling behind us and start again.

This morning he mentions he still hasn't forgiven me for taking DS to my mum's and the park on Saturday afternoon.

He's also mentioned that he wanted to take DS to his parents' house (they visited us on Sunday). He's also said jokingly lately that we don't have sex enough. I don't feel like it much lately as I'm overweight and lacking confidence.

I just don't know. Can anybody give me perspective? Sorry for the utter essay.

SnapYap Tue 26-Jul-16 11:21:27

I want to add I'm currently a sahp and don't get to shower til ds is asleep unless I want the bathroom destroyed whilst he's in there. Sometime DH lets me shower in the morning before he leaves for work and watches DS. This morning DH decided as I had no plans for the day that I could just shower later on, I was about to go up and shower and he said no.

Artistic Tue 26-Jul-16 11:22:20

Why didn't you think of waking him up? In my house I'd definitely wake DH up if I need his help & vice-versa. Also I'd insist on his support so I could shower in my own home.

TBH I think you are taking the problems away from your DH and that's taking away the opportunity for him to step in & support you. Give him the chance to do what you need of him & if he doesn't or refuses then you can solve it independently. At no point have you mentioned if your DH refused to tidy or mind baby so you could shower.

TBH I don't really give my DH much choice, I just go ahead & do what's needed after handing the kids to him.

SnapYap Tue 26-Jul-16 11:26:04

he woke with me and DS earlier on and I asked was he coming downstairs with us and he said yes. Sometimes he dozes back off and meets us downstairs 15 mins later. I thought he'd had a hard week at work so I let him rest but 2.5 hours later I went to ask for help. He was annoyed I hadn't asked earlier although I'd asked the night before and then first thing that morning. So no, I don't understand why I should nag him like he's a teen and I'm his mother.

SnapYap Tue 26-Jul-16 11:29:28

DS wakes countless times a night. DH sleeps through them all and I sort him out so I'm knackered but I'm aware of this so I try not to argue etc but I feel like I did nothing wrong and it was him but not sure now as he said it was my fault

Creatureofthenight Tue 26-Jul-16 11:29:44

I would have woken DH up if we'd already discussed that things needed doing that morning.
I also would have washed my hair at my own house - if DH was just sitting on the couch he could easily have been watching DS.
You are both being snippy with each other - very normal for parents with young children!
It sounds like the shower thing is really bothering you - can you have a chat and get DH to make time every morning to watch DS while you shower?

SnapYap Tue 26-Jul-16 11:32:42

I feel as though I don't count. When I ask something of him, even a basic thing like a shower, no because I'm not doing anything important anyway.

loobyloo1234 Tue 26-Jul-16 11:34:13

I was about to go up and shower and he said no.

He said you couldn't shower? WTH? Why? Was he going to be around long enough for you to have a shower whilst he watches DS?

He sounds a little controlling confused

Creatureofthenight Tue 26-Jul-16 11:36:45

Does he realise how knackered you are/ how much you get up in the night?

SnapYap Tue 26-Jul-16 11:36:48

He had yet to shower and dress for work, and 45 mins in which to do it. I only take very short showers, 5 mins tops, but I wasn't allowed as I had no plans. He then spent 15 mins doing god knows what before getting in.

The shower thing is very annoying for me but an example of me feeling like a 2nd class citizen in our marriage

SnapYap Tue 26-Jul-16 11:38:10

I've told him I'm up all night, he acknowledges it and then no more is said. DS is finally asleep so now I'm going to finally have a shower. I HATE waiting til midday for a shower. I feel disgusting. I've never been one to slob in pjs in the mornings, ever sad

HermioneJeanGranger Tue 26-Jul-16 11:38:39

I don't get it.

Your DH was at home. Why did you go out to your mum's to have a shower and wash your hair? confused Why not hand DS to DH, go upstairs and shower at home, then all go to the park together? It seems a bit like you went out to make a point, because you were annoyed that he didn't get up this morning.

But it seems like he would have gotten up if you'd asked. Why wait 2.5 hours and then get stroppy about it? As an adult, I would assume my OH was happy for me to sleep in if they hadn't come and woken me up.

Sounds like a big blow-up over nothing.

HermioneJeanGranger Tue 26-Jul-16 11:39:58

X-post. What do you mean he said you couldn't shower? Just hand him DS and lock the bathroom door and take a shower! What's he going to do, turn the water off? confused

SnapYap Tue 26-Jul-16 11:42:22

I went out because the atmosphere was awful and DS was bored. actually, I asked if DH wanted to come and was told no. He got out his laptop and when I asked what he was doing on his laptop (just conversationally) he told me he was going to do whatever he wanted. I went to my mum's and I mentioned how greasy my hair was so she offered to watch ds for 15 mins while I got it sorted. It's really long and thick and takes me ages usually to sort it out but I can do it quite quickly these days.

SnapYap Tue 26-Jul-16 11:43:00

I started to go upstairs and he said no and went and did just that.

HermioneJeanGranger Tue 26-Jul-16 11:43:40

He sounds abusive, in that case.

SnapYap Tue 26-Jul-16 11:43:59

And I didn't get stroppy. I went and asked him to get up as there was lots to do. I was annoyed that he'd expected me to ask a third time but didn't get 'stroppy' just asked him to have DS and went and got started with tidying

HermioneJeanGranger Tue 26-Jul-16 11:46:55

I x-posted with you, OP. Sorry flowers

He doesn't sound very pleasant after your subsequent posts. He stops you from showering, does what he pleases, doesn't get up with his son and seems to resent having to do anything related to childcare.

Nice men want to look after their kids. They get up in the night. They get up in the morning because they want to spend time with their family. They don't mind if you want to go and wallow in a hot bath for hours on end. Nor do they mind if you want to go and see your mum and go to the park with her.

I think you need to leave him, to be honest.

Artistic Tue 26-Jul-16 11:49:13

I hear your frustration but I think you need to elbow your way in a bit. You need a shower, don't announce. Leave baby with him & go. You will be back before he realises anyways. My DH was similar when DD2 was this age, but I never 'asked', just went. If he's sleeping he can't possibly 'remember' that you need him, so wake him up!

I think you are letting him get away with controlling behaviour on small but important (to you) stuff & then resenting him for it. He in turn is behaving like the injured party. This is all too much over too little.

I have long thick hair too, so I totally understand your grief about managing it and also getting some alone time in the shower when you do. It's really lovely if you don't have to worry about baby/DH for those few minutes. Hope you can work out an assertive way forward.

loobyloo1234 Tue 26-Jul-16 11:50:34

OP - you should not be treated like a second class citizen. It is a partnership.

You shouldn't have to go to your mums to have a shower. And this is what it sounds like to me? Maybe i'm reading into this too much

You do not sound in the wrong though. Esp if you asked him if he wanted to go? He doesn't own you hmm

SnapYap Tue 26-Jul-16 11:55:21

Hermione you are right, he really does resent any sort of childcare. I don't often leave DH with DS as DH will ignore him and leave him wandering round crying while he plays on his phone.

SnapYap Tue 26-Jul-16 11:56:38

Artistic you're right it is small stuff but it's all adding up to make me feel ground down and completely unimportant. I feel as though I'm denied basic things like a shower or taking DS to the park because it has to fit around his wants/needs.

HermioneJeanGranger Tue 26-Jul-16 11:59:07

What do you get out of this relationship?

He sounds very unpleasant to say the least, but stopping you showering is abusive. He has no right to tell you you're "not allowed" to have a shower!

LineyReborn Tue 26-Jul-16 12:02:37

I can give a practical solution - I would (and did) put my toddler safely in a travel cot / play pen whilst I had a quick bath or shower, with a safe toy e.g. cloth book.

But this business of your husband saying No you can't have a shower ... that's really controlling. So you have that, the poor communication, and the tiredness to contend with.

Does he sulk a lot?

SnapYap Tue 26-Jul-16 12:04:51

He was lovely at first. Couldn't do enough for me. His family kept telling me, 'I hope you know you've got the best one there!' He's religious which I took to mean moral. He treats his mother like royalty which I thought meant he'd treat his wife like royalty too. Lol, not even 2 years in and I feel totally shit upon. I've no idea what to do. These things seem so small, eg showers. Maybe I should talk to him about it properly.

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