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When do you know it's over ?

(13 Posts)
ginorwine Tue 26-Jul-16 08:03:44

Been married a long time
Eldest just off to uni
Lot of change as have just left my job
Dh and I are like flat mates or friends
I do not look forward to him comming home or miss him when he is away
He is not nasty or abusive and works hard
We normally get on on holiday but this time it just felt empty and flat
He is very introverted and although he asks about my day he says nothing about his
I ask him of course and he says things like " do you really want to know "? Meaning he was busy .
I sent him an open text y day saying I can't go on like this .he replied he really wants to fix things .
He came home overly and overtly ( for him ) chatty - by the time he got home I was tense which tends to translate in me being gruff
I was anxious as in the past he tends to suddenly be chatty to solve things then it tails off - I texted him saying I'm aware I can close down and thus is because I fear this merry go round of try then a return to Baseline
What prompted my text was he came home on Friday with wine and a good mood -chatty - this so rare and I was so pleased then I realised how much this is normally lacking
Anyway last night he continued to be v chatty but did not reuse the issue exept for did you get my text ? I just said yes
I was gruff I acknowledge but I was anxious - I shd not hve been gruff I know
He watched cricket etc and went to bed - no discussion just like normal night
He often says our problems are my fault as I don't ' encorage ' him
He had shut down I think and I told him I'm aware that he doesn't share things
For eg things were ok sex wise and he said I'm determined to keep this going it s important - it s not important to me but k get it
We get out of the habit - it's not been mentioned since exept for one joke when he said I'd be more Intrested when I finish this job . That s the only reference
I am the one who tries to resolve things - he never asks to talk and if I leave it a while communication seems to break down and I admit I withdraw
I've told him it's like we are lodgers in the same house
After last night I'm aware that I was gruff but shocked that he didn't say anything - I wait for him to tell me it's my fault as I didn't encorage him .
We have had counselling I the past
I'm unsure what to do now

ginorwine Tue 26-Jul-16 09:01:18

I'm bumping as feel 😞

Lovemusic33 Tue 26-Jul-16 09:08:11

For me I knew it was over when I had ran out of energy to argue or discus things any further sad, I no longer felt like I wanted to fight to keep us together, I felt numb and I felt little towards him.

It sounds like you have tried hard to sort things, sounds like you are the one that puts in all the effort, you have tried counselling, maybe you could try it again but maybe it's gone past that. You need to talk and decide what you want to do.

ginorwine Tue 26-Jul-16 09:13:52

Thank you love
I can't talk about it in real life anymore - my friends have heard this before a few times .

ginorwine Tue 26-Jul-16 09:31:55

My dc notice I go quiet when he comes home
The day is fine until then
Have really tried

Lovemusic33 Tue 26-Jul-16 10:04:40

I know exactly what you mean, it took me a couple years before I plucked up enough courage to ask him to leave, my dc's had noticed too, they are younger and I was shocked at how it had effected them, him eventually leaving was a huge relief for them as well as me, they now have a better relationship with him and they can see I am happier. You need to do what's right for you, deep down you know if it's over.

ginorwine Tue 26-Jul-16 10:21:46

Thanks love
I did ask him to leave a year or so ago and he refused
There has never felt like a ' good' time - ds doing as then a level s now uni and dd now doing as , then a and then possible uni
I did talk to dd once and she often says she feels little connection to her df - again when he knows this he takes her ou t for s coffee and then forgets again
He does lots of practical stuff for her tho but she describes the same lack of connection

ginorwine Tue 26-Jul-16 10:22:15

I'm so glad it worked for you

ginorwine Tue 26-Jul-16 10:25:07

There is a lot of guilt as well as £ fear for me
I know he is basically a lovely man but one who is so very insular
He says I don't encorage him enough but I'm sick of being hi cheerleader and making talk at the table for our teens - otherwise it Wd be mostly silent

Naicehamshop Tue 26-Jul-16 10:39:37

I completely see where you are coming from - in fact I could almost have written your post. sad

I've spent years wondering whether to leave or not, but I've always thought that it's not the right time ... finally thought that it's never going to be the "perfect" time so now thinking about starting to put things in motion for next year.
Dreading all the upheaval and worried about money but feel that there must be more to life.
Good luck.

ginorwine Tue 26-Jul-16 10:42:28

Good luck to you too
How will you manage in the meantime ? 🌺

Naicehamshop Tue 26-Jul-16 11:02:42

I don't really know OP - it will depend on how he reacts to it all. I guess the thing will be to keep focused on the end result and try to stay calm and in control of it all iyswim.

ginorwine Tue 26-Jul-16 11:06:11

Ok take care 🌸

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