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I've realised I'm in love with an old flame

(32 Posts)
Pleaseadviseme2679 Tue 26-Jul-16 04:06:14

15 years ago, I had a short lived relationship with a man that fizzled out because we were young, neither of us wanted to be in a serious relationship and then I moved to another country for my career.

But we stayed in touch, though that too petered eventually.

Fast forward 10 years and he contacted me after his sister died in tragic circumstances (drugs related) and we have been in touch ever since.

We both work in the same field and around the sane time his sister died, I was promoted to head a particular division that he was involved in. I wasn't his direct boss but was senior to him.

Obviously I was shocked and reached out to him in sympathy after he contacted me. We grew very close and became involved again.

But I was unsure about the relationship and broke it off. Again, it was an amicable ending. Soon after, I met my partner and we have been together ever since (5 years).

We remained in touch though, albeit sporadically.

But recently he has come forward stronger. And has said that he loves, has always loved me. And if only he could tell his younger self what he knows now, he would have proposed years ago.

I (hopefully) gently let him down saying that I was in a relationship and that it was probably best in the circumstances to cease contact.

But truth be told, I secretly I feel the same but there is so much water under the bridge now and I am in a relationship.

My DP knows about my ex and appreciates my decision to stop contact.

My relationship with DP is ok. We are stable, are able to talk and he is a good man. But we've never had real passion, even at the beginning. We have sex maybe four, five times a year. We have never had the passion and psychic communication that my ex and I have.

My ex has said he accepts that he may have lost our chance together but that I know where he is if I ever want to find it again.

I'm so confused.

What should I do?

beingorange Tue 26-Jul-16 04:22:25

why did you break up with him the second time?

JoandMax Tue 26-Jul-16 04:28:26

I think you need to have a think about the reasons why a relationship hasn't worked out with him twice and what would be different next time?

You also need to have a proper think about your current relationship first and decide if that is making you happy and aside from your ex if it's something you want to continue.......

Pleaseadviseme2679 Tue 26-Jul-16 04:33:33

I broke up with him the second time for a couple of reasons. Firstly because I still saw him as the footloose and fancy free boy that he was when we first got together although he did try hard to shake and change that perception.
Secondly because I was technically his senior at work and was worried that he was attracted to that as much as he was to me as a person. Maybe I was being unfair and cynical. I just don't know.

Eastpoint Tue 26-Jul-16 04:42:00

If the future of the relationship had seemed strong enough you'd have worked out that one of you needed to change job.

I think that you are dissatisfied with your current relationship & looking for a way out. Leaving your DP for this man would be easier than saying 'I don't love you enough to spend the rest of my life with you'.

Pleaseadviseme2679 Tue 26-Jul-16 11:47:54

I think the first time round, he was too inexperienced and immature to know what he wanted. The second time, I pushed him away because I didn't want to get hurt and was totally immersed in climbing the corporate ladder so didn't want any distractions.

But now, we're both older and hopefully wiser and I know that if I was single we'd definitely give it a proper chance for the first time.

But I'm not single. And 5 years is a long time to just throw away on an idea.

I can't stop thinking about the passion between us. I've never felt anything like it with anyone else. sad

JoandMax Tue 26-Jul-16 12:10:16

Personally I would be wary of getting involved again - I really believe if you were meant to be you'd have managed to be together by now. Plenty of people meet at difficult times, very young, ones the boss etc and make it work because the foundations for a solid relationship are there from the beginning.

And passion isn't what gets you through hard times in life, yes it's great and one element of a relationship but how would the pair of you cope if something happened like ill health or redundancy or bereavement? Would he wholeheartedly support you??

Concentrate on your relationship with your partner, have a hard look at the problems there before you even consider anything else

Pleaseadviseme2679 Tue 26-Jul-16 17:28:37

Yes, good advice. Thanks for putting me straight! I think I needed to hear it. I've decided to try and stop thinking about the ex. As you say, he is an ex for a reason.

GloriaGaynor Tue 26-Jul-16 17:40:27

I think it's bollocks that you would be together if you were meant to be. The first time he was too immature, the second time you pushed him away.

That happens to a lot of people - for relationships to work you have to get the timing right - wanting the same things at the same time.

Your current relationship doesn't sound up to much, so I think you've got nothing to lose.

alphabook Tue 26-Jul-16 17:49:17

The first question you should be asking yourself is whether you actually want to spend the rest of your life with your current partner? Are you really happy with him? It's ok to walk away even though nothing's actually bad with the relationship, but you feel like something's missing.

The next question is whether you and your ex are actually compatible. Passion is fleeting. Think about the positives and negatives of your relationship. It's easy to look back with rose tinted glasses and see him as the one that got away. Do you actually have something substantial?

Pleaseadviseme2679 Tue 26-Jul-16 21:43:31

My partner is a good man. He is decent and trustworthy. We have a stable relationship.
But...I've never felt real passion with him. I don't think he truly fancies me. Sees me more like a suitable partner. He can be quite judgmental though, I think he gets that from his super conservative parents. I loath his family. But he is my best friend and I can talk about anything with him. Even if it takes him a while to understand where I'm coming from.

Ex, I think, really gets me. Quirks, faults and all. And he seems to love me warts and all. confused
He has always seen me as a "catch" (his words).
He seems to fancy me whatever I look like, fat or skinny (ice been both extremes during the time we've known each other. And we share lots of passions - music, art, and we can talk for hours about our deepest hopes and fears.

Ex just seems to be able to tap into something deeper in me. Maybe because we've known each other since teenagers which, I think, can be quite powerful. Also I love that he now works for a project that is quite altruistic. I admire that a lot.

Partner works in the city. But truth be told, for me, is stuck in a middle class mentality that sometimes drives me mad.

Maybe it is a case of grass is greener. I just don't know.

GloriaGaynor Tue 26-Jul-16 22:48:01

It sounds more a case that the guy you're with isn't right.

I've no idea what would happen with ex but if you were really into your current partner you wouldn't be thinking about him.

I'm not sure what a 'middle class mentality' is. There are many different ways of being middle class. What you seem to be saying is that he's conservative, a bit judgemental and perhaps rather limited in his outlook.
What is it about his mindset that drives you mad?

You also don't sound like you really fancy each other.

What keeps people together over the long term is shared interests, being able to talk about everything. And attraction.

GloriaGaynor Tue 26-Jul-16 22:48:53

That seems to be missing in this relationship.

LesisMiserable Thu 28-Jul-16 19:34:30

He taps into your desire for better sex more like OP. Which is fine. However speaking as someone who's been in the exact same place as this but saw it through to leaving my ex (stockbroker) then after splitting getting together with my brawny sexy star crossed right man wrong time ex - the grass wasn't greener - the reasons it hadn't worked the first time were still the reasons albeit in an older different way but baseline the same....the fact he was the polar opposite of my DP and reminded me of my younger self was nice for a bit but waned once the honeymoon sex period calmed down. We split 4 years after our third attempt over the years and I kick myself for the time I wasted. I'd advise against.stay friends. Stay flirtatious if you want to. But sort your relationship out passion wise or leave - never go back.

SusieQwhereareyou Thu 28-Jul-16 19:54:11

I left a relationship to be with someone I had a short lived relationship with as a teenager. I ended the relationship but always thought about him and we stayed in contact via Facebook. Last year we me up and have been together ever since. I do genuinely believe we were meant to be together, it was just timing.

GloriaGaynor Thu 28-Jul-16 20:15:57

You can't 'sort out' passion. It's either there or it's not.

TheCrumpettyTree Thu 28-Jul-16 20:20:45

Your partner sounds more like a friend. Are you in love with him?

LesisMiserable Thu 28-Jul-16 20:25:14

Susie with total respect a year is a very short time. Gloria . "Ignite" was probably more apt.

stupid123 Sun 02-Oct-16 22:34:04

Susie I am pleased for. Year is a good start given the time gap from when they teenagers. Let's look at year as being positive start!

I agree that for relationships to work you have to get the timing right. As teenagers that time is rarely gonna be right!

AVY1 Mon 03-Oct-16 16:54:28

Are you really in love with someone you haven't seen for so long or just the idea of him because you are unhappy in yourself/current relationship? I say this as someone who from time to time has wondered but then always remembered the ex only ever said he loved me when we weren't together, however passionate and easy it seemed when we were.

gratesnakes Mon 03-Oct-16 17:00:00

If you don't have children or passion with your current partner why do you stay?

HolyshitIfuckedupbigtime Mon 03-Oct-16 17:33:59

Yes it's all about good and bad timing.

stupid123 Thu 08-Dec-16 22:44:04

Why not give it a go?
You may regret what you DONT do.....

Minivaperviper Fri 09-Dec-16 00:18:48

Maybe you've got the grass is greener specs on op and I'd root for you if you went for it, but really it sounds like you are not compatible with your current dp as it is.

I have a not so old flame with the passion you described and we aren't together through choice, just facts of life. Economical mostly and having to finish his worked hard for education in another country.

I'm not waiting but if he ever came back I'd hope that we could start again and if it didn't work so be it but at least I wouldn't live thinking about what could have been.

There's obviously more to rls than passion but if there's a chance to have it I'd take it over a ticks all the right boxes A OK guy.

needinsight86 Fri 09-Dec-16 07:34:48

I would give it a go. My DP now is an ex from years ago. The timing was wrong back then. I was immature.

To me a relationship with no passion where you only have sex 4 or 5 times a year wouldnt cut it. You dont have too much to lose, is my POV. If it doesnt work out with your ex at least you'll have no regrets. You may be single afterwards, but is that a bad thing? It doesnt sound like you see your current DP as a man you love romantically.

We only have one life.

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