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Confused about what to do - leave or not

(8 Posts)
FeeFighter Mon 25-Jul-16 22:29:41

I've named changed as this might out me. But I'm desperately after some thoughts on my marriage. I'll try and lay out the facts in the least boring way possible without drip feeding.

- Been married to OH 10 years (I'm female if relevant)
- 2 young DS age 1 and 3

We both work full time, and I'm the main income earner. He earns around 19k and I earn about double. So his wage doesn't cover childcare costs. We tried him staying at home with the kids but it was a disaster. He now has a job he likes. I would love to work part time but can't.

He has history of getting into debt and has had to be bailed out a few times. Cannot manage money. We have separate accounts and I manage mortgage etc. He gives me money each month towards this. He has no clue what we pay in mortgage etc, shows no interest. I manage all financial affairs.

He us crap with housework. Does some with nagging but shoddy. I feel like I'm always nagging.

House is a shithole. Been asking him to do DIY for ages but he doesn't. Says he will but never gets round to it. I'm doing it as much as I can now but can't do everything.

Had sex twice in 3/4 years. Kids were a bloody miracle.

I'm exhausted. And starting to realise he won't change. He is a great dad to the boys. And makes me laugh.

But how do I leave? He won't leave. I have no family to go. Can't afford to rent and pay mortgage.

I think I am enabling him. But I'm at a loss what to do now. I think I have actually lost sight of what a normal relationship should be like.

Any advice/kick up the arse welcome.

eloelo Mon 25-Jul-16 22:34:38

Well I am struggling to see what there is for you in this marriage.
Maybe with good advice we can get you out of this.
Get an hour of free legal advice (most lawyers provide this).
Sell your house? then he will have to look for somewhere else.

Itsnowornever01 Mon 25-Jul-16 22:35:48

3/4 years? Leave him.

FeeFighter Mon 25-Jul-16 22:45:48

His name is on the mortgage - so I can't sell it unless he agrees (I'm guessing....)

eloelo Mon 25-Jul-16 22:58:29

You need legal advice!

HeddaGarbled Mon 25-Jul-16 22:59:52

Well now, I wonder whether some counselling would be helpful here, either for yourself or as a couple. He works full time and doesn't earn a bad wage, just not as much as you. He's a great dad and makes you laugh. So this isn't a total disaster.

But, you do need to address some of the other issues. I don't see why you should expect to work part time and loads of us hate DIY but his lack of financial responsibility, not doing his fair share of housework and the lack of sex are more serious issues. Your children are very young and sex does tend to take a dive in these years, though I think you are saying there wasn't much sex before the children came along?

Only you can decide whether your marriage has the potential to improve enough to make you happy. Marriages do go through rough patches, especially in the early years after having children. But that doesn't mean you have to just put up and shut up. Counselling may help you both or it may just help you to see your way more clearly.

FeeFighter Mon 25-Jul-16 23:07:07

Thanks all. Yes Hedda, agree with you re the more serious issues. Should have said, I wouldn't expect to work part time, just setting the scene that if I could I would.

Sex is a strange one as I'm not up for it either. So I'm not pinning that on him either. But it's never been great.

IronNeonClasp Thu 28-Jul-16 00:11:14

Come on over to this thread (part 2). There are plenty of us who could have written your post: Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

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