Help me understand DH's behaviour

[Drivingforpeace]

At times he is angry, rude (think impatient eye rolling), gives the silent treatment, sarcastic. It lasts for several days or a week and happens about once a month or every two months. He gets easily irritated by people and vents to me for ages about what they've said/done. He also gets very bad headaches about once a month, presumably from the stress of all the anger. Any ideas what this is all about?

[Hissy]

What does he say when you to him to stop treating you like this?

Moreover, why are you still putting up with it? Is this how YOU like to treat those you supposedly love?

[Drivingforpeace]

Hissy, when I ask him what's wrong with him he says 'nothing' and refuses to discuss. He acts like his behaviour is as normal and nothing has changed. I ask him to be nice to me and he rolls his eyes. I put up with it because we have DC but as you can tell I am working out how to put a stop to it. Could it be some sort of depression?

[AnyFucker]

He's a twat

That is all

[Drivingforpeace]

The thing is he's not though, Any. He has many redeeming qualities. Which kind of makes it harder.

[eloelo]

He seems very insecure and finding it difficult to stand up for himself.
Maybe that's why he takes it out on you. Regardless he is being abusive as really there are no justifications for this kind of treatment.
Maybe counselling could help him to resolve his personal issues. As far as your couple is concerned, the first step would be to recognise that something is wrong and be willing to have a chat about it. Since he is not willing to do this, then I can only see his behaviour carrying on sadly.

[Thomasisintraining]

Has there been a change in behaviour, perhaps related to the headaches? If not then he is an abusive arse and you need to rethink what you are personally getting out of your relationship.

[Drivingforpeace]

Thank you Eloelo, I think you are right about him being insecure, although on the outside he comes across as very secure (very good at arguing his point, always right, can never say sorry). I agree that he would benefit hugely from counselling, if they could get anything out of him!

[Twatting]

You have described me.

I can be awful and I can't help if. My other half says I just change but he sees it isn't my personality.

It's been really difficult. Then I was diagnosed with a pituitary tumour a few months ago. We realised there was a link. I don't see it as an excuse for my behaviour, more so a reason. I'm working on how I act but it's difficult.

I'd ask him to see a doctor about his headaches.

[Drivingforpeace]

Thomas, I think I am starting to realise he is abusive but I just can't believe it. I keep thinking there must be some explanation for it. The kind of 'it'll never happen to me' feeling. I feel like people / family will think I'm making it up or think I'm overreacting.

[HeddaGarbled]

He sounds horrible. Is he like this with everyone, or just with you?

[Drivingforpeace]

Wow Twatting that is worrying, thank you for sharing and sorry to hear. Funnily enough another of his annoying traits is that he refuses to see a doctor unless it's an emergency. But I will investigate and try and force him to. Can I ask how they managed to diagnose it?

[eloelo]

I think the fact that he is so wooden and refuses everything makes it impossible to get to the bottom of it.

[mamahibou]

They can be signs of depression. Sounds like a friend I know whose life changed when her partner went to the GP and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. The irritability/anger would precede a day or two of huffy, emotionally distant behaviour. Medication and an online CBT course helped and she says she feels like she has the man she used to know back. It took months but persisting with telling him how much he was impacting on the children (do you want your children to grow up & feel the way you do?) and empathy, in that he deserved to be happy too, can't have been easy to feel so irritable etc was what finally got him to go.

[Twatting]

I had various blood tests, one specifically to test for my prolactin levels. I'm led to believe this is more difficult with men and a contrast mri is the best way to go.

His not wanting to see a doctor is very frustrating. Is it possible to have a conversation about it when he isn't being so negative?

[Drivingforpeace]

Garbled, just with me really, although he can be a bit 'short' with other people (family members) and I'll know what he's really thinking about them as he'll vent about them to me.

[Drivingforpeace]

Eloelo, wooden is the word I need! Thank you, spot on. Mamahibou, yes I was thinking something along the lines of depression although I'm aware I may be looking for excuses where there are none. But that is very interesting. I think a really hard go at a deep talk (wish me luck) and a doctors visit is what's needed.
Actually, he's never like this with the children, he's fantastic with them. So he can be simultaneously ignoring me whilst playing happy dad with them.

[Longlost10]

He is mean and selfish

[Longlost10]

why are you on the internet looking for reasons and excuses for him being horrible to you?

[AnyFucker]

That's what some people do

They look outside of their partner's behaviour for anything, any straw to grasp instead of planting their gaze at the most obvious explanation for why they are treated like shit

He is a twat and has no respect for you. That's all you need to know, and the only lesson your children are being subjected to

[Hissy]

All abusers are lovely to others. They do it to further isolate you. Remove support from you.

The ignoring you while being lovely to the children is classic. It's actually harmful to your children to see this happening. He's teaching them to behave or be shunned

You stay with him because you have DC? You need to LEAVE him because you have DC.

[eloelo]

the fact that he a sh** with you only screams abuse.
He has clearly the ability to be nice when he wants to. And you are the one who gets all the crap