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Moving on – life after adultery and divorce(2 Posts)
It’s been over two and half years since I first posted about my situation – essentially about the disintegration of my marriage & family life caused by my ex-wife cheating on me. See my first post www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1974953-Wife-has-no-interest-in-me-physically and the follow up www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2265259-Separated-from-wife-for-4-months-wife-is-now-4-months-pregnant-by-another-man
I wanted to write this follow up post for three reasons; (1) to say thank you to those on here who provided caring words and useful advice; (2) to offer some hope to others going through a similar situation; and (3) Seek some further advice.
To summarise the last three years of my life!
2013 – I’d felt for a while that my wife didn’t like me and realised that we had absolutely no physical relationship anymore. She never wanted to spend anytime with me and was increasingly talking about, and spending time with, a man from work. Raised this with her and she had nothing to say of any substance apart from that I was just another drain on her time, like the kids.
2014 – Our relationship and life together got steadily worse. She started staying out with her colleague from work & not coming home till 4am, denied anything was happening and refused to go to relationship counselling. In summer, at her insistence, we each begin to spend time away from home a few days a week to “cope with life on our own”. She then started ‘dating’ her colleague immediately but didn’t tell me obviously. In the autumn I found out she was pregnant. I moved back into the family home permanently soon after and she moved out into a home with the father of her baby.
2015 – A year of contrasts for me. I began divorce proceedings on grounds of adultery. Had to guide my wife through the divorce process because she didn’t want to pay for legal advice. My wife had her baby midway through the year. By the end of the year the decree absolute was through and my marriage was dissolved. I bought my wife out of the family home and my pension was split in two. We agreed that our three children would divide their time between us equally.
Midway through last year I met an amazing woman and fell in love. It was completely unexpected as neither of us was looking for a relationship but it just felt so right. She loves my children and they love her. And of course we love each other. She is due to move into my house permanently in a couple of months which will be great after more than 12 months of a long distance relationship.
Now – I can’t believe how much my life has changed in just over 3 years. I feel so blessed and happy to have my girlfriend in my life. We have both learnt lessons from previous relationships and are open and honest about all aspects of our lives.
I’ll be honest and say that I found my life in 2014 and 2015 very challenging to deal with. I think without realising it at the time I suffered from some sort of low level depression – no appetite, weight loss, difficult to sleep at night and to concentrate at work.
I still can’t believe what my ex-wife did to me and our family. As you would expect with 3 young-ish children I still see my ex-wife quite regularly. I’m always civil with her and would never say anything negative about her (in front of them) obviously however I don’t think I will ever forgive her for what she has done.
I have good days when I’m feeling generous with her and can share a joke and talk about the kids and other days when I’m pissed off with her. I do make an effort so that the kids can see us together & getting on. But I do find it hugely difficult sometimes for example at school Christmas plays when my ex-wife is sitting next to me with her child, her boyfriend next to her and then my ex MiL (who hasn’t said one word to me through all this) next to him. I also find it hard sometimes, particularly when my ex-wife does things with our kids and our friends that we use to do together as a family.
Please don’t interpret this as me wanting to have my old life (& wife!) back. I’m very happy with my life as it now. I think what happened is really sad for my children but it’s happened and I am enjoying life and looking forward to a bright future.
I would like to be a better person and be more friendly with my ex-wife. I think it’s important for the kids and I’d rather not have that kind of negative energy in life however I can’t see myself ever forgiving her for what she has done and that’s the problem. And, like I said to her recently, if we didn’t have children together I would never want to see her again after what she has done. But I will see have to her regularly and she will always be in my life. I don’t want my children to think of me as that parent that doesn’t get on with the other parent.
Has anyone been through this and have any advice?
I think you've done hugely well in overcoming the past and establishing a new and joyful relationship. Your ex and you have managed to both be loving and kind parents and to navigate the Christmas shows and parents evenings, the handovers and all that. I really dont know how much more you can ask of yourself or why you want to be closer friends. For what purpose? You are doing a brilliant job. I'd invest in the future - your life with you new partner, new friends and your children and let the past settle as it has. Be ambitious for your new future... you have nothing left to prove about what a great father you have been...
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