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Bfs ex wife wants me banned from seeing his children

(15 Posts)
breezybeach Mon 25-Jul-16 17:13:00

Not sure if I have put this on correct board
It's not really a step parenting issue maybe

Boyfreind and I together 2 years . Long distance relationship.
He and his XW seperated over a year before we met .
He usually visits me half the month as he is based from airport near me

Last summer .. Once he finally had his divorce.. I met his 3 DC 9,7 and 5
His ex was told and I offered to meet her if she wished
She said no .. Fair enough .. And said she didn't agree with myself or my Ds 9 being around HER children . It was morally wrong etc

Since then every visit Ds and I have made has either involved her ringing up continuously or going round his house and banging on the door , becoming hysterical which upsets the children

I try very hard not to cross any lines .. I

She then asked for my phone number , we spoke , I told her I understood how difficult adjustment could be and how I myself actually feel relieved my Xh has a fiancée who is nice to my kid when he visits .
I went to great lengths to stress I was not seeking to replace her

It was Okish . She was mostly concerned with trying to enlist my help in persuading him to pay her more money!! But I thought now we had talked woman to woman perhaps it would be OK .

Then 2 months ago bf told her we were thinking of my moving up there and buying a home together . She just went mad
Rang and screamed abuse . Kids present .

I bought the girls dresses and let them play with my lipstick etc . With their fathers permission . They have a shared care agreement but she is resident parent .
The children also saw us share a bed for the first time ( I used to sleep in spare room with my Ds ) and didn't bat an eyelid

We all get on very welll and have lovely time .

Anyway she went to his DC school and expressed her concerns I am an "appropriate adult " and I am grooming her children . That I sexualise them by buying them dresses ( she has a trousers only rule for girls ) and playing princesses .
I rang her to try again to appease her and reassure her and got such a torrent of abuse I have resolved to myself not to speak to her again .

We are due to join DP and his kids at his parents for a seaside Holiday tomorrow . I am really apprehensive . Apparently she keeps ringing up and demanding her children be returned before we arrive and says she will inform the police /take legal action

DP has a policy of just ignore her she's crazy. So do his family

I am actually scared
I have been having dreams about her

Any advice really appreciated .

blueskyinmarch Mon 25-Jul-16 17:16:52

She is crazy. Let her call the police. What does she think they will do? Letting children wear dresses is not an offence. Their dad has agreed this so not much she can do. She obviously wants to exert her control over the children even when they are not with her but she will have to learn that she cannot do this.

Minime85 Mon 25-Jul-16 17:17:46

Feeling genuinely sorry for you and your situation. You have tried to be everything an ex wife might hope in terms of not flashing your relationship, appropriate amount of time before introductions etc. Just carry on with your sensible approach and don't let yourself be lowered in terms of standards. Good luck

breezybeach Mon 25-Jul-16 17:32:45

I should probably add
My fears do have some grounding maybe
They lived in a small village and she accused a lovely male neighbour .. a divorced father too .. of "inappropriate conduct "towards the DC " because he let them play in his garden with his DC and started malicious gossip dd said he took her to toilet

It is causing problems between us as he just " ignores her " but is actually frightened of her I think.
( know for a fact )

blueskyinmarch Mon 25-Jul-16 17:35:26

breezy Lots of people make false accusations. I know this as i used to work in child protection and investigated many false accusations. Even if she does do this you can be sure it will become very obvious to the professionals that she is making things up and it will be her who is held accountable not you or your DP.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Mon 25-Jul-16 17:41:17

I think I would ignore but keep a log (and any texts etc) just in case I need it down the line.

TheNaze73 Mon 25-Jul-16 19:09:59

She sounds unhinged.

breezybeach Mon 25-Jul-16 20:02:29

Yes she is unhinged
DP was very commitment phobic at times because of history there

howtodowills Tue 26-Jul-16 07:55:20

You are doing nothing wrong.

Focus on you, DP and the DCs.

DP needs to man up a bit. Just ignore the phone calls. Let it ring off. If she comes to the house and bangs on the door then politely ask her (without opening door) to go away and say you will call police if she carries on harassing you.

I feel sorry for her DCs tbh - sounds like she is very controlling. How are they doing?

Good luck flowers

UnexpectedBaggage Tue 26-Jul-16 08:01:03

She sounds a nightmare. You are doing everything right. Don't worry about the police, she obviously already has history with them.

Just enjoy the holiday and talk to DP about going for custody. The DCs deserve better.

MorrisZapp Tue 26-Jul-16 08:05:14

What abusive stuff does she say to you? She sounds barking.

fastdaytears Tue 26-Jul-16 08:06:01

Those poor kids. You're old enough to know this is nonsense but they're not. How much time do they spend with your DP? Would he be able to have them more?

fastdaytears Tue 26-Jul-16 08:06:29

Oh and a no dresses rule is bonkers!

SandyY2K Tue 26-Jul-16 08:06:49

She's a lunatic.

Who is going to take her seriously when she says buying dresses for girls is sexualising them.

Almost every little girl plays dress up, with make up and princesses.

On one hand I'd say stop buying them dresses, but on the other hand she's the one being an idiot for no reason.

What you need is your BF to stand firmly and tell her he's in full approval with the clothes they wear and she has no valid reason to stop you seeing the children and if she wants to report it to anyone, he'll gladly accompany her so all the facts are laid out.

There's nothing she can do about it.

She's going to turn those poor girls into something she doesn't like with her stupidity.

Marilynsbigsister Tue 26-Jul-16 08:33:20

I feel for you OP. I know only too well what it's like when the children are used by a mother to seek revenge on an ex for having a new relationship. Your DP actually sounds like he has taken the sensible approach of not engaging with this lunacy. Ignoring her is definitely the right policy.

It also appears from your post that he must have all the court orders he needs as she does not appear to be holding the children hostage in return for 'behaving as she dictates' This is normally the first strategy employed . - If by any chance there is any of this shenanigans then he needs to get a child arrangement order ASAP and have it written in that she may only contact the children through a third party in case of emergency only. - other than that she must allow him to parent his children on his time, with whoever and however he sees fit, without interference. We did this. Self represented. Had to jump through the mediation hoop but she refused to attend, so got it signed off and went straight to court. £212 about 5 yrs ago. May be worth going to court or going back to court if this madness continues.

We have spent over a decade in and out of the family court with orders being flouted. My DH ex was still maintaining that our relationship was 'too unstable' to allow me to be around the children when we had been married for 5 yrs and together for 8 hmm...

All in all your DP sounds like he is taking right approach. If you come over to the step parenting boards you will read horrifying tales of partners being hidden away for years for fear of being alienated by one parent (sadly this is usually but not always, the mother) against the other parent for moving on.

Go on holiday. Enjoy your time together. If you feel the relationship is a keeper then I would suggest getting married. Sometimes this does manage to shut the door on the craziness and sends a clear message that this is ex's new and permanent new life and no amount of manipulation will change it.

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