Overprotective dad or something more?

[WifeoftheOverprotective]

Hi, I'm a regular but have name changed for this. Hope this is the right place for this thread.

DH and I have a 13month old DD. She's a typical young toddler; cruises round furniture, crawls, and has the occasional fall.

The problem is if DD falls, or hurts herself in anyway while DH is home, he gets really angry with me and assumes it was automatically my fault. He walks in takes her off me, even if I've calmed her down and she's happy with me, then walks off with her and won't speak to me for a few hours.

For example, a few weeks ago DD was sat with me on the bed. She crawled to the edge and I grabbed her leg to stop her falling forwards but she kicked out with her other leg and launched herself forwards anyway. I wasn't fast enough to stop her falling forwards so she was dangling by one leg off the bed, banged her head on our wooden frame and was crying. She was fine, but DH shouted at me saying I should take better care of her as accidents are always caused by something, generally human error. He then took her off me, despite me managing to calm her down, and then he took her to his mums for two hours without replying to my texts or calls.

Similar happened today. DD was cruising round the furniture in the living room, I was sat in the armchair watching TV and keeping my eye on her. She leaned forward with one hand to grab a toy off the floor, took her other hand off the chair and slipped, falling forwards and banging her head on the harth. I wasn't fast enough to catch her, and again DH swoops in and takes her off me, told me I should of put my leg out to stop her falling and then walked off with her into the garden - I did put my leg out to try and stop her, she still fell.

Both times she's been fine after a cuddle and some water/milk. I think accidents happen, especially with toddlers but I want to know are these accidents my fault? Is DH just overprotective of DD or should I be worried it's something deeper?

Thanks

[KinkyAfro]

Deeper like what?

[WifeoftheOverprotective]

KinkyAfro Like depression or anxiety issues that he needs to see a doctor about

[Scrowy]

How often does he have sole care of her?

[Maybebabybee]

The fact he buggers off with her and refuses to speak to you afterwards is a massive, massive red flag IMO. And I wouldn't call it depression or anxiety.

[alicemalice]

Accidents happen - has he had anxiety before?

[FellOutOfBed2wice]

God, my DD is always bonking her head on something or falling over or trying to clamber over something she shouldn't. She's two now but this has been the case since she started properly moving at 8 or 9 months. It's no ones fault and perfectly normal. She has incidents whoever is watching her and we all- me, her Dad, her grandparents and aunt- all keep a close eye on her.

[BlackVelvet1]

I can sort of see his side as I have sometimes reproached DH that he didn't catch a fall/bump (even though some of the times I had even warned that it might happen). Probably a bit unfair to him, I have much quicker reflexes and can often catch a bump before it happens. I think you need to discuss with him that you couldn't prevent it (the sulking/taking her away is a bit of an over reaction) and perhaps seat more on the floor with her.

[WifeoftheOverprotective]

Scrowy Once a week when I go swimming, it's usually for about 2 hours but she's often having her nap when he's in charge.

[Floggingmolly]

He doesn't speak to you for a few hours?? . What happens if he's in the same room when she falls; does he acknowledge the fact that he's also failed to catch her, or is it always your fault?

[FluffyPanda]

This is freaking weird.

If my DH did this I'd go ballistic!. That's a ridiculous way to behave!

[OhNoNotMyBaby]

Children fall. They have to - it's how they learn to walk properly, understand spacial awareness, know what each bit of their body is for and what it does.

Likewise with hurting themselves. You cannot - and should not - prevent every single 'accident'. You shouldn't be reproaching him either.

Seems like you both have control issues - him a lot more than you if he's behaving like this.

[WifeoftheOverprotective]

If he's in the room when she falls then he still blames me yes.

[MammouthTask]

A few things.
He needs to be in charge on his own for his dd. He clearly has no idea.
Second the fact he is automatically blaming you, even when he is the room and therefore just as much in charge than you of your dd is NOT on. You really need to pull him up on that. If she is hruting herself whilst he is ion the same room, he is just as responsible (and he needs to feel responsible too).
Third, sulking and not talking to you for a few hours? Taking your dd away and refusing to answer? Serioulsy? Either he really really needs professional help or he is actually extremely controlling and using his dd to get at you. Which one do you think he is?

Last question for you, if he is charge your your dd and she hurts herself which I'm sure must happen), how does he react?

[MammouthTask]

Oh and looking after her when she has a nap is not looking after her. There won't be a lot involved.
Leave him in charge at your house (not his dmum) for the day, let him look after her whilst you do some 'chores'. Let him play with her, let him feed her etc.. Go out for the day with the proviso he is the one in charge. And then just wait. She WILL hurt herself at some point because that's what toddlers do. And then see his reaction. Be like an awk. And then ak him if he is to trusted with his dd if he can't stop her from hurting herself.

[BlackVelvet1]

Does he think that it is a woman's responsibility to take care of children? In this case, could his mother tell him he is over reacting to the falling/bumping?

Agree with PPs who said to let him take care of DD on his own so he can realise that them bumping/falling is normal.

[WifeoftheOverprotective]

I hadn't thought of talking to MIL about it BlackVelvet I will try that as she's very good at getting through to him.

He's not one for thinking a woman should look after the baby, but I think it falls to me more even when he's home because I'm the SAHP. I will try leaving him with her doe the day and see what happens.

[WifeoftheOverprotective]

*doe should be one, stupid phone

[StrawberryMouse]

I used to overreact massively about minor accidents but I had an undiagnosed anxiety problem. I convinced myself ds was going to be taken away from me once because he rolled off our bed and banged his face and snapped at my husband many times about this and similar.

Agree with what others said though, he may just not understand how easily these things happen and certainly shouldn't be treating you as though it's your fault.

[Roomba]

My ex was like this with DS1. It was all part of his general control freak abusive behaviour, and it really affected my parenting confidence (which was absolutely the aim, I later realised). My ex clearly wanted me to feel so inadequate that I would not question DS going to live with him when he decided he was moving out. It didn't work.

He needs to be made aware that he is being ridiculous. If he takes care of your DD regularly then, if he is not an abusive idiot, he may just see that sometimes these things just happen and no one can prevent every little bump. Speaking to his mother about it may be a good idea, if she is reasonable.

[eloelo]

You are a good parent. You know it. He is completely undermining you. Reclaim your good mum status. He is the one who has a problem. he should not treat you like this and you need to fight this.

[WifeoftheOverprotective]

Roomba MIL is lovely, a normal loving mum and granny. I know accidents have happened with her sometimes too and she doesn't react like DH (her dogs have whacked DD with their tails for e.g.) so talking to her maybe a good starting point.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

He's punishing you by taking your Dd away, he wants to blame you and make you into the 'bad parent' so he can be the good parent and all round saviour of the situation.

That's really nasty. I'd be pushing back all that blame and refusing to let him lay it on you.

He's also a hypocrite. If he really thought you were an unsafe person for his precious dd to have in her life... Why does he leave her all day and night throughout the week with you? It doesn't add up.