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I want to be done with my family.(14 Posts)
Will try to keep this short. I have children with additional needs. I am on my own with them. That isn't really the problem, they are fab, perfect children and I am lucky to have them
My family have been aware all along, all through diagnosis of my children etc, my marriage breakdown - he was unfaithful repeatedly and pretty abusive.. They never did much practically to help, in fact my parents in particular made it even harder with their denial and aggression towards seeking diagnosis for my children and insisting it was my poor parenting that causes their issues. Still I have always maintained a relationship with them despite periodic sulks from them, my Dad managed to sulk with me for the entire three years my children were being diagnosed, and while I am in touch with my siblings I don't see them often.
Things have been tough lately, my children are getting older and it isn't getting easier, I am completely alone and it occurs to me that I have never received any help or real care from my family regarding my situation, in fact the opposite - judgment, making it about them, ignoring me for long periods of time, leaving us out of family occasions etc. They never visit us, we are always expected to visit them. They have always been like this.
To get to the point, there is a big family occasion coming up in a month or two. I don't want to go, I don't want to drag my kids there, they will struggle with it anyway. I am tired of them and me being judged. In fact I don't want to bother with any of them any more at all. I have been feeling so low about it all for the past few months and today it has come to head really. I just want to hibernate and never leave my house again. I don't see why I should keep on putting myself out for people who rarely put themselves out for me. It doesn't help that we are currently in a period of me getting the silent treatment for disagreeing with my Dad about something.
It is ok isn't it? it is ok just to draw up the bridge and focus on my children and me? Just for a bit anyway.
Step back from it all, say no and focus on you and your children.
My mother is one for giving the silent treatment, I personally think it is a horrible way to treat your children...in fact narcissistic.
I just ignore my mother now when she does it, lasted 5 months once, it was great feeling letting her stew in it.
The trick is to not put yourself out for them, if it's inconvenient timing just don't see them. Only see them on your terms and when it suits you and the needs of your children.
Of course it's ok to focus on just you and the children. Too much emotional energy goes on worrying and dealing with the constant stress of a difficult family. One person being toxic is bad enough let alone more than one.
You've been forced to deal with life events on your own, so carry on doing it and looking after yourself and your children....without having to put yourself out chasing people who care little about you all, and are being manipulative. If you don't want to go to an event don't go, you're a mother and an adult, it's your life. You don't need to explain or feel bad about it, have a nice day in another way, treat your children and do something nice.
I've had to distance myself from family members who do nothing but judge, reject, criticise, patronise and expect me to make efforts to visit them. I feel better and in control of my own life, less stressed, I don't deserve their abuse. It's liberating.
You do not deserve their bad behaviour, no wonder you are at the end of your tether. Your mood should not be affected by them, they are in the wrong. Try to keep them very much at arms length if you aren't ready to break contact completely...and maybe get some support, keep busy, distract yourself, only mix with people who make you feel good about yourself. You really don't owe your family anything because of the way they treat you.
Thank you . I suppose the good thing about it is that I have been dealing with everything on my own for so long that it doesn't make that much difference not to see them really, it isn't like they have ever helped out or offered practical support. It is just a huge relief to feel that I don't have to make the effort anymore, ever again, if I don't want to.
I do feel anger a bit, bubbling away under the surface, I don't understand how people can offer so little in the way of practical support to family members going through life changing situations yet still ask for stuff from them and sulk if they don't get it. It really does baffle me.
You don't want to go and the kids will struggle so don't go. Stop wasting energy considering the feelings of people who aren't considering yours.
I've gone no contact with my grandparents.
I didn't consciously make the forever decision, just took the step back and never bothered taking the step towards them again.
There is nothing wrong with asking for help from your family. Sometimes it is just something you really have to do.
Let your parents behave like the parents. You don't have to look after their emotional well being, they should do that for you. If they sulk, or behave in narcissistic ways, keep them at a distance.
They should be the ones providing support, both physical, emotional and psychological to you, their child - even when you are an adult - not the other way round.
Don't go to events or any visits that will drain you emotionally. You need to be strong for you and your children and don't need people abusing your good will.
Good luck, OP!
want to hibernate This concerns me. Can you talk to someone, OP? Do you think you might be depressed?
I think it's all very well wanting to go nc with family, they sound like deeply unhelpful people and you shouldn't out yourself out for them. I do think it would be useful for you to have a supportive network if you don't already have one: can you attend a group for parents with children with similar needs to yours?
Definitely don't go.
Reasons: "too busy", "other plans", "Dad's latest sulk has annoyed me so much I don't want to be anywhere near him."
In general, stay away from them and refuse all requests for favours.
I've done something similar. I stopped answering their calls, when we did speak I nodded, smiled and turned away. As soon as Id made my decision I felt a lightness I hadn't felt in years, Now its just birthday card and Christmas cards and we get a presents for a my son. no communication except for funerals and after 4 years the worrying that its them knocking the door or ringing the telephone soon wears off. Maybe it will change in the future but 4+ years of bliss and I can honestly say I've never been happier.
I'm surprised you have carried on making the effort you do.
I just can't be doing with relationships that aren't 2 way anymore, literally working, parenting and working on my marriage - nothing much left over so what little there is goes on people who matter and who make an effort make.
You absolutely have the right to do this. I have closed the drawbridge, as you put it, with a sibling. After a whole lifetime of being made to feel inadequate, that's it. They have a big birthday this year, I would normally make the effort to be there and feel resented for making the effort. Instead I will go down when its convenient to me and my family, if its not for them. Then Royal Mail can deliver presents instead. Good luck 🍀
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