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To think I can't be the only one

(72 Posts)
pleasemothermay1 Mon 25-Jul-16 10:13:52

Please be kind I feel like shit

I haveing load of issues with my 16 year old

What with you name it everything is a row I literally has to row with him to apply for collages , row with him to call them back and register for September

He won't contact any of the collages he's not going to let them know he won't be attending

He won't speak to me my husband or his sisters at all
Apart from of course of ask for somthing usually a lift or money

He said he dosent want to be Invloved with us and likes being on his own

We said that he needs to get a job with has made things even worse but we can't afford the £200 a month for collage travel plus dinner money coupled with money for his social life also we have stopped giving him lifts unless it's for education why should I taxi him about when he won't even talk to any of us
He won't listen to us at all he's 6 foot 3 and I am scared of him tbh

We came off Hoilday and things were awful he locked him self in the bedroom and we literally didn't see him for the whole 10 days he waited until we left for day trips to get some food

It all came to a head today I told him if he wasn't happy hear and countined to Ignore us then he needs to find somewhere else to live i am ashamed to say if he did pack a bag a left I would be relived when he's not here and at away with his cadets the house is much happier

He has also started doing this thing were he would eat all the bread and leav one slice or drink most of the milk leaving a thimble full putting it back and not saying anything so when I wake in the morning there's no milk for the girls

He I also hiding and dilbrelrty braking things so last week my little one 3 got hold of his phone and for some reason he thought I had taken it😳 After searching for 2 hours we found it toddler had taken it then slung it in the play room my ds then proceeded to take my phone I only found it because he hadn't switched it off and when we rang it it was in the loft he admitted he put it there

Also things like if you ask him to hoover when I am out I will get a text saying the Hoover is now broken he will claim he dosent no how it broke Ect this is happening to often for it not to be him he also ripped of his wardrobe door told us he got home it was like that suspect it happed after dh asked him to tidy his room

Why should I be ignored in my own home I just rand dh and told him I will be withdrawing my labour he can cook and sort himself out I won't cook dinners by Somone who is a treating me and eveyone else in the house with contempt
worse thing eveyone else things butter wouldn't melt
Barr one friend who popped round and he didn't have time to put on a show she was quite frighnted I feel so embrassed he was steaming around the house slamming doors Ect ranting about nothing being fair

Feel like I am alone

Pisssssedofff Mon 25-Jul-16 10:17:05

You're not at all. My DD1 goes through stages where I could wrong her bloody neck. They know everything, take you completely for granted and there's no thanks.
I was pretty much left to raise myself from 13 so was determined I'd drive my kids to school so they would never get soaked at a bus stop etc, feels like it all counts for shit and you are an arsehole if you dare to ask for any respect.
Hopefully somebody will come along and tell us where we've gone wrong lol

MachiKoro Mon 25-Jul-16 10:20:06

There's a really good book called "mum, fuck off out of my life, but take me and Alex to town first" that might be of help.

Shizzlestix Mon 25-Jul-16 10:21:53

Seems like very extreme behaviour and reactions. Do you think he might have MH issues? It's beyond the usual teenage stuff, IMO.

pleasemothermay1 Mon 25-Jul-16 10:21:57

I also had a incident 3 years that makes me think he may even have mental health issues

Am I wrong for not cooking , giving lifts Ect when he's being so awful

I also having issues with my 3 year old because he ignores her is often trying to attack him or annoy him just to get his attention

I keep telling him she turns on you because you never show her any affection and the only time she get pa a reaction is when she annoys you

MachiKoro Mon 25-Jul-16 10:22:25

Ok, it might be "get out of my life" buy you get the gist grin
Sorry- mine are younger, different set of issues, not been there yet. But offering a listening ear, because I'll be there one day!

davos Mon 25-Jul-16 10:26:42

The three year old attacks him? Really? If that's true, him ignoring the child isn't an excuse for her attacking him.

Could it be that he feels the other children are more important and you make excuses for their behaviour so he is playing up?

Look there are clearly problems but I don't know how you force him to get help.

If you threaten him with kicking him out or getting help would he opt for leaving?

I would certainly not go out of my way to help him out.

MachiKoro Mon 25-Jul-16 10:27:30

Does he have his own space at home? Is that completely out of bounds to the younger ones? I ask because I know how hard it is to have much younger siblings that destroy/take/slime everything previous you have. As an adult, I know little sibs were just being little children (pretty adorable ones too) but as a teenager I felt as though my feelings were constantly ignored/trampled on, and I'd been replaced by those smaller, cuter children.
Do you have any one-to-one time with him?(haha. I mean who gets that if they've more than one child?)

DragonsEggsAreAllMine Mon 25-Jul-16 10:27:46

It sounds a mixed bag with fault on both sides. He shouldn't be rude or breaking things etc and that needs addressing.

That said, he is still a child and expenses to college and feeding him should be down to you not him. It's not his fault you can't budget.

If you lived with someone who refused to feed you, help you with educational expenses etc would you be all fluffy and light with them? Do you think that by excluding and treating him this way it's going to help?

Some serious conversations need to be had and the behaviour and treatment by all addressed if it's going to get better.

pleasemothermay1 Mon 25-Jul-16 10:27:50

If I tell you what he did please don't judge me I feel very fragile

We had some argument or another and it transpires that he gone it to our room rifled through my personal items found and took a picture of a personal item of mine in the hope of useing it agasit me at a later date.

Pisssssedofff Mon 25-Jul-16 10:29:05

I made a decision to give the children what they need not what they deserve but honestly the one person who felt like shit when I threatened to withdraw services, lifts etc was me - she couldn't give a shit either way - and I was worried she'd be murdered. Just keep thinking not long until they are 18. 825 days for me, not that I'm counting and then she's off to uni and I'm sure our relationship will improve

pleasemothermay1 Mon 25-Jul-16 10:29:39

poster DragonsEggsAreAllMine
no were have I said I will not feed him what are you talking about I have said I am not COOKING for him he can make his own dinners

Also I said anything to do with school or challage is fine but we can't afford to pay for that and his social life because he refuses to find work

MachiKoro Mon 25-Jul-16 10:31:02

* previous means precious!
Not cooking or doing laundry for him could be perceived as further rejection by him.
Could you get the children each to help with one task, so he does laundry alongside you. Next down in age helps you cook (chops the mushrooms, stirs the sauce etc), next one downs helps vacuum (picks up beforehand, is 'allowed' to vac the floor I F they're really good) etc etc?
Even 3yo can pop dirty laundry into a basket, or carry clean socks up to correct bedrooms.

pleasemothermay1 Mon 25-Jul-16 10:35:26

poster MachiKoro Mon 25-Jul-16 10:27:30

Yes he has his own room they don't go in

We have tried spending time with him but he dosent want to dh has tried taking him to the pictures tried offering nandoes teenagers fav

Davos

Her jumping on him Ect came after him ignoring her she's 3 she dosent understand Somone Ignoring her and the only time she gets a reaction from him is if she grabs his phone or squeezes his foot Ect so that's what she dose

I have explained to him if his interactions with her are a bit more postive then she would have the need to try and get a reaction

pleasemothermay1 Mon 25-Jul-16 10:39:54

My younger children are not the issue

He won't even speak to any of us let alone get him to chop mushrooms

He already dose his own washing but he so self Invloved he won't do anything that is communal so he dosent see why he should help tidy the front room

Like I said he simply then stops coming in here and says well I don't go in there or if I tried to get him to do anything with me or while I am hear it's a argument to get him to do it tbh I don't have the engery anymore

The Hoilday was awful

Sonders Mon 25-Jul-16 10:43:50

I might be misreading this but it sounds like you're rejecting your DS for acting like a teenager, and a particularly vulnerable one.

I don't really have any advice, it just doesn't seem like your son is that bad.

davos Mon 25-Jul-16 10:44:12

I have explained to him if his interactions with her are a bit more postive then she would have the need to try and get a reaction

have you explained to her that what's he is doing is not ok?

I know 3 is young but surely you tell you child not do things?

Not everyone will want to interact with your child. What about when she starts school next year? Will she be allowed to jump on people then?

I know you say your other kids aren't the problem. But tbh, from your posts it does sound like he is getting the blame for everything, everybody does.

I am sure he is behaving awfully, but maybe you need to look at the cause of this behaviour.

The incident you mentioned, was that around the time your youngest was born?

pleasemothermay1 Mon 25-Jul-16 10:44:54

We having to pay for him to go camping not because he deserves it because we need the respite

Having Somone who lives in your home who won't speak to you won't be in the same room as you makes the house not a home

It's gotten so bad when we're talking to him he just walks of not even listing to us anymore

davos Mon 25-Jul-16 10:45:22

Sorry have you explained to her what she is doing is not ok?

Lasagna Mon 25-Jul-16 10:46:47

We said that he needs to get a job with has made things even worse but we can't afford the £200 a month for collage travel plus dinner money

His social life, fair enough but I really hope you didn't tell him he needs to get a job so he can afford college. If I said that to my children when they were starting college they would make the choice to not go. They don't chose to go to college anymore, they have to, so he shouldn't be expected to pay for that especially not at 16.

I understand people do things differently but I wouldn't dream of making my kids gets a job to pay for anything until they were at least 18. They are still children and my responsibility. If they were to leave they wouldn't have a place to go or any money to do so. A job for a little money towards hobbies and things they want to buy is great and I encouraged it but not a job so you get out of your financial responsibilities.

Also unacceptable to allow the younger ones to attack your son. No wonder he acts out if he sees you allowing their shitty behaviour towards him.

Sounds like you are going through an awful time though. flowers

DragonsEggsAreAllMine Mon 25-Jul-16 10:47:18

Most sixteen year olds would not make an effort to play with a three year old, too big an age gap etc. You readily excuse the younger childrens bad behaviour but are quick to condemn his and that's the picture he will see. At 3 she should know better, what happens if the teacher hasn't got time to pay her the attention she wants, is it ok to hit her too?

Coupled with a new stepdad and younger step siblings (you refer to your partner as husband not his dad) and being told he has to fund his own college expenses due to your life choices and you really can't see why he may be acting up?

Punishing him rather than dealing with the actual problem solves nothing although it doesn't come across like you want to salvage the relationship with him anyway.

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF Mon 25-Jul-16 10:48:32

Going through your personal things and photographing them is bang out of order and extremely disrespectful.

pleasemothermay1 Mon 25-Jul-16 10:49:27

Not cours we are telling her not to but I am afraid this is a reaction to how he is behaving and tbh we don't have this issue with anyone else not at nursey anywhere

It's because she dosent get ignored anywhere else when she says hello most people tend not to give daggers then walk off

My daughter I s 3 but nearly 4 so she been around for a while before the indent happed

pleasemothermay1 Mon 25-Jul-16 10:50:57

There is no new step dad sorry you just made that up

Me and my husband have been together since ds was 2

pleasemothermay1 Mon 25-Jul-16 10:54:01

I haven't said anywhere he would have to cover his collage expenses

I said we can't afford collage travel, dinner money and his social life

Meaning we will cover collage Ect but expect him to get a frigging job to fund his social life

look not being rude but I am after support if your not even going to read the post and make things up then please just don't post

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