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Has anyone made a whole new social life for themselves?(8 Posts)
Today I've realised that actually my life is not how I want it to be or how I imagined it to be.
I feel really down in the dumps about it today but I really want to remain positive and try to build and new life and new relationships/friendships. If I don't go at this with gusto I fear I will get myself into some deep depression.
To give you a bit of background. Met by husband (now separated) at 22, married at 30, had a kid at 33. I'm now 36.
I left my husband a few months ago. I moved out of the family home, (I didn't want to be the one to end our marriage and kick him when he was down by making him go and live elsewhere) I now rent a flat. I love the flat, I made sure that I chose one that I enjoyed being in because I started to get anxious about being in our family home on my own towards the end and would do everything to not be there on my tod.
The issues surrounding my marriage and why I ended it aren't horrendous. He's a lovely man, a brilliant father. It wasn't awful but I didn't feel that we had connected emotionally or sexually for a long time. He's not one for talking really and he's very passive and I just didn't feel that we were right for each other anymore. I am a very driven person, I am self employed, I like to be organised and my husband is opposite to that so it got to the point where really, I needed to leave. We remain on good terms, we sometimes hang out together with our son and there is genuinely no animosity towards each other. We both care about each other deeply but unfortunately don't work as a couple. He would still like us to get back together so I feel incredibly guilty about the decision I have made.
Since leaving I feel that some of my friends haven't really been there for me, and I feel like I am becoming more isolated. One friend in particular is supposed to be one of my best friends, we talk a lot on the phone which I am really grateful about (we live in the same town), but she always backs out of meetings, its like she feels that because we are such good friends she doesn't think it's an issue to let me down. Other friends that I have don't really bother to get in touch either. I try to organise things and have a few social occasions here and there.
I'm an outgoing person and always try to remain positive, and I would consider myself to be good company. I do genuinely get on with people.
I never thought my life would be like this. To cut to the chase I want to have a happy marriage with someone who 'gets me' (who doesn't I guess!) and I would love to have friends whereby we socialise regularly, impromptu nights out or in with the kids, dinners, BBQ's, picnics, camping trips, holidays.
I don't feel like I can call people last minute really, I always feel they are busy getting on with their own lives.
I know that all sound idealistic but does anyone have those sorts of friendships?
A work colleague of mine seems to have this with his friends, a bunch of 30 somethings with theirs kids, they hang out in smaller or bigger groups and go on trips away together.
I guess what I'm asking is as per my title, has anyone been able to create a whole new social circle and meet like minded people and go on to have a fulfilling social life? I am living in some sort of dream world where this sort of life doesn't exist? Do you have any tips on how I can start to meet new people?
To give a short answer, I think it's like dating, if you don't ask you don't get.
Also like dating you have to keep on trying and not be afraid of knock backs, hope that helps!?
When I was married I had one really good friend, a few acquaintances
Since my divorce I've become much more social, I started a new job just as we split and have made some lifelong friends there, we go to each other's houses, go out for food, spa treatments etc. It helps that most of us are similar ages and single although 2 of my best friends from work are married.
I've reconnected with friends from before my marriage too.
I've visited people on the other side of the world that I would never have done as a married woman.
I also have a partner but we live very separate lives and there are no plans to change this, we enjoy holidays together, nights in or out but for now that's it
I can honestly say I have a much better social life as a divorcee however a lot of the couples we did go out with no longer keep in touch
You certainly find out who your friends are
I'm happily married but have created my own social life because he's not social. He's not met my friends (which I've made through my hobby) and has no interest in doing so.
Yes, it's totally possible to kick start your social life.
I think 30s/small children time can be less than ideal for friendships as everyone is exhausted and has to organise their time/get babysitters/get some sleep. The spontaneity goes out of things, family life dominates, the parents/non-parents divide comes up, and so on. But it doesn't last, and you can cut through it if you choose to.
The first thing to do is to be a good host. Make coming to yours fun, then invite people over a lot and be all chilled about it. If they cancel then they cancel. Never cook anything that you and ds can't portion up and have for lunch the following day. By making your home welcoming you may find that you start to introduce people to each other and build up your network that way.
Thank you for your replies.
Some really good tips. I guess it is difficult with kids but I suppose I had always envisioned a bunch of us with the kids still enjoying a decent social life despite having children but I guess individual routines come into play.
Plus I never felt that our family house was particularly sociable, we've always gone for doer- upers, so never felt half decorated rooms would be somewhere people would want to hang out.
Thank you for your advice though, I feel confident that I can get out there and make some really good friends.
I'll chalk today up as one of those down days!
I would say it is totally possible as we moved countries and after two years and lots of chats with strangers we have a fab group of friends in their 30s/40s and we do LOTS of impromptu stuff. Camped last weekend together, today went for an ice cream and park, yesterday a local festival.
I just once happened to be in park with a couple of mums I know and they invited me to theirs that night for dinner. Not formal, just a plate of pasta and some carrot sticks type thing. It was great and we all just started returning the favour. One organised mum set up a WhatsApp group and now we just text and say 'we are doing X on Saturday, anyone wanna come?'
What I would do in your position is ask a couple of families who already get along round to yours with their kids. You want to find people who aren't obsessed with 'routine' and bedtime (non English people probably best!!!) and if your house is a shit rip, all the better as they will feel better about inviting you back to theirs! Nice food, then plate of pasta/sausages for fussy kids and away you go! I also recommend the WhatsApp idea because then spontaneous stuff happens much more easily. Also if you have a few friends who don't know each other with similar ages kids, link them up. Try to be inclusive then you start to be a gang of mates which is loads more fun. Good luck!!
Look up meetup.com - groups of people doing any activity/ hobby that takes your fancy - I have made lots of new friends, tried loads of new activities and met a new man... So the answer to you question is yes. Have fun.
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