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Does he still love her?

(28 Posts)
CakeyMcCakey Sun 24-Jul-16 18:57:59

I've been in a new relationship for about 3 months now and it's going really well apart from one little niggle.

He had been separated from his ex for about 18 months when I met him. It seems it was a messy break up and he was heartbroken over losing his family. He sees his child and is a great father.

The thing that is bothering me is that he has on several occasions said things like he feels he should have tried harder to remain a family for the sake of his child. I asked him outright if he would go back if she asked and he couldn't say no.

He says it's not her he would go back for - she hurt him alot and he says he doesn't like her at all because of the things she did. He just feels so bad for the broken family, for being a single parent and for missing out on so much father/child time.

They seem to have a more civil relationship now and have recently had a few family days out and I think this has made him pine for the family even more. He has also just said she's invited him for a family weekend away and he is considering it because he doesn't want to rock the boat.

But I'm terrified I'm setting myself up to be hurt here. I really like him and would like to see where this could go which he's said he'd like to do too but I can't help feeling he'd jump if she asked.


brodchengretchen Sun 24-Jul-16 19:07:04

He is not ready for a new relationship, and should not be experimenting on you. He is ambivalent, needs to sort himself out and yes, I think you may get hurt. IIWM I would look elsewhere.

newworldnow Sun 24-Jul-16 19:07:16

Family weekend away is not normal once the family is split up. No no no. He is saying one thing and doing another.

dothedab Sun 24-Jul-16 19:09:24

I think if he goes on the family weekend away I would call it a day as it tells you what you need to know. I would probably end it anyway as he has more or less admitted that he would go back and that leaves you very vulnerable to being hurt. He should be all over you at this early stage making you feel great and he's not.

newworldnow Sun 24-Jul-16 19:10:07

He is obviously experimenting with the idea of going back with her (for the sake of the family[sceptical])

Chinks123 Sun 24-Jul-16 19:12:03

I can't see this ending well for you op I'm afraid. It sounds like he's desperate to be a family again and would jump back if he had the chance (which makes him sound a good dad but not someone you should be dating!) He needs to sort his head out and I'd leave now before he ends up messing yours up!

CakeyMcCakey Sun 24-Jul-16 19:13:27

I think you may be right brodchen sad

He's said he'd not go back for her but he did follow it up with saying 'even if she did want me back which will never happen'

AppleJac Sun 24-Jul-16 19:15:35

Walk away

NEVER be anyones second best.

gamerchick Sun 24-Jul-16 19:18:05

If he goes on this weekend as said up thread you will know you're wasting your time. He's not ready to move on. I'm sorry man flowers

BeenAroundTheWorld Sun 24-Jul-16 19:18:33

He is going back and forth between both of you! He is treating you both like Mugs! I'm really sorry to say. I mean if he would consider family life and getting back with her for the child.. Why is he with you? She might not even know. You could be his bit of fun.
Ever wonder whether she didn't actually hurt him and he is just saying that.
You deserve better

CakeyMcCakey Sun 24-Jul-16 19:19:35

I think you are all right.

When we are together it's really good. We are very well suited and have both been taken a back about how easy it's been.

It's so hard. I know it's early days but there really is so much between us. He's just trying to be honest about this and all I want him to say is 'Never' about getting back together.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Sun 24-Jul-16 19:21:03

If he's considering the family weekend away and that makes you feel uncomfortable then it's not right for you. This will be the first in a long line of 'family events' which you'll have to endure.

Family birthdays, Xmases and Mother's Day/Father's Days will be the norm - you may or may not be included but be assured it won't be easy either way!

SandyY2K Sun 24-Jul-16 19:22:37

Cut him loose. He's not ready to be with you and I can see them getting back together.

CakeyMcCakey Sun 24-Jul-16 19:23:51

beenaround I am definitely not his bit of fun. We have mutual friends and I know how she ended it and the things she'd done.

I think when it was still quite sour between them he didn't miss it all so much. But now, doing stuff as a unit has left him pining.

He's saying he doesn't feel anything for her but I don't get why he'd consider it just for the sake of his child. He knows it's not rational and he's not planning it but he says he 'can't rule it out'

CakeyMcCakey Sun 24-Jul-16 19:26:17

I don't even know where to start.

It's been a long time since I've been so happy.

I know he won't understand my reasoning behind ending it though.

Ebony69 Sun 24-Jul-16 22:15:52

He sounds like a family man who is not ready to enter into a new relationship. He actually sounds like quite an honest man so at least you know where you stand with him.

hownottofuckup Sun 24-Jul-16 22:19:55

Has he told her about you?
Personally I'd be inclined to believe it's the fact they have a child that keeps him invested, as opposed to her. It happens.

TurnipCake Sun 24-Jul-16 22:20:46

Think you need to cut your losses now, OP.

I'd be v surprised if this 'family weekend' isn't actually just the two of them deciding whether they should give it another shot

CakeyMcCakey Mon 25-Jul-16 07:09:49

So we talked last night and it is over.

I'm so sad because he was great but he's clearly not ready. It would be stupid of me to carry on knowing that.

BeenAroundTheWorld Mon 25-Jul-16 08:06:27

I'm sorry flowers

You will find somebody else that us great, I promise X

LesisMiserable Mon 25-Jul-16 09:22:11

He sounds like a good man. I don't think he honestly wants to get back with his ex but is missing the family unit. That's fairly normal in my experience and why a lot of women rush into new relationships hoping to recreate it for their children and themselves. Men I think tend to be more cautious and more inclined to hold onto the original family unit if they can. (Until they have children with someone else, usually). I do think you would have got hurt though - it takes a strong constitution to cope with a good dad being a good dad which usually involves contact with his ex in some way. I'm not saying you are not up to it just that if you have any doubts at all (and he is being ambiguous it has to be said) that they would eat at you.

Isetan Mon 25-Jul-16 10:35:28

Well done but after 12 weeks, if your bf can't rule out going back to his Ex, then it was never "a little niggle". His honesty, was him keeping his options open in plain sight and a convenient told you so, if/wen he chose to go back to his Ex. Even his reasoning (martyrdom) for not ruling out going back to his Ex, was designed so you wouldn't question it.

Never prioritise someone who keeps you as an option.

Montane50 Mon 25-Jul-16 23:47:01

He wasn't ready, and.potentially the wife felt threatened by your relationship with him because she was probably used to calling the shots and him obliging. Probably the reason for the recent family days out? If this is the case, she'll soon grow bored of him, and he may try to get back with you -be careful! He chose this path and never be plan b x

Hellothereitsme Tue 26-Jul-16 06:34:06

Lots of dads do the family days out. Doesn't mean they want to get back with the ex - they are just prioritising their kids first. However in ops case he either wasn't ready for a relationship or if he was op would have to get use to being second in the pecking order after his kids. There are good dads out there and also good exs.

Montane50 Tue 26-Jul-16 07:06:42

To clarify : i didn't say he wanted to go back, i asked if the ex was manipulating the fact he seems a thoroughly decent man. (Lots of good dads/exes, but a hell of a lot of jealous exes, who even though they don't want you, they don't want anyone else to have you either )

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