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Messy start - how do we build stronger relationship?

(12 Posts)
RenderShed Sun 24-Jul-16 18:15:57

In March I met a great guy at a work event. We really got on well and started to meet up for lunch and dates. After 5 weeks he told me that he lived with a long term partner (10 years) and their 18 month old son. He said things weren't going well and he was sorry for not telling me but he obvs didn't want to lose me. He explained he was going to end things with his partner.

I know I'll be flamed for this but I kept on seeing him. I'm a single parent to my 14 year old DD and have been so lonely - this man feels like my soulmate.

He told me about his family on the Tuesday - he stayed at my place on the Thursday (told his partner he was on a work event) and on the Friday his partner checked his emails and found out he'd been with me. She kicked him out and I let him move in with me. His partner gave me a hard time by text, calling me a bad mother for letting him move in with me and my daughter and things got a bit unpleasant.

Anyway - despite this shaky start, things seemed to be going well with DP. We went on holiday last month and he proposed. We are planning to marry in 2018.

My friends are worried that it's going too fast. I have been married twice before and it's a bit of a joke that I collect surnames - but I am serious about this man.

What concerns me is DP's guilt over what he has done. He has lost a lot of weight and seems depressed. I'm worried that he will change his mind and leave me. I know he wont go back to his ex as he says he wasn't happy and besides she has made it clear that she wouldn't have him back. He says that the proposal should make me feel secure and show me that he is serious - but I can't help but worry.

I'm also worried about his ex getting nasty. She says she's going to make sure their son knows all about my role in his parent's break up when he is old enough - I think that's unfair on him and she should move on. I know it's hard (my DD's dad left me when I was pregnant) but bad-mouthing the new partner isn't helpful.

Has anyone got experience of overcoming a messy start to the relationship. I know this all sounds bad but we really do love each other and want to make it work.

WibblyWobblyJellyHead Sun 24-Jul-16 18:18:42

You met in March and you're engaged already. He was cheating on his dp with you, and you have no reason to believe he would have told her if she hadn't found out.

This is a car crash.

tsonlyme Sun 24-Jul-16 18:21:07

God that sounds like a train wreck and he'll probably bugger off with someone else sooner or later too.

Were there things that your learned from your previous two marriages?

ayeokthen Sun 24-Jul-16 18:27:16

All due respect but how do you expect her to move on when you've nicked her husband, taken her son's dad away and then set up home with him. Fair enough, years down the line I'd expect her to have moved on, but 4 months??? You and he have ripped her and her son's life apart because you couldn't keep your clothes on. She's entitled to be furious!

NavyandWhite Sun 24-Jul-16 18:30:23


NickiFury Sun 24-Jul-16 18:32:49

Rebound with an absolute Prince.

What could possibly go wrong? Enjoy!

pinkyredrose Sun 24-Jul-16 18:39:34

You let a man you'd known 5 wks move in with you and your 14yr old daughter? Seriously?

dothedab Sun 24-Jul-16 18:40:20

I feel sorry for your daughter.

thestamp Sun 24-Jul-16 18:40:26

Even if he'd been single, moving a strange man into your home (with a teenage DD in the mix! I'm sorry but are you actually mad?) AND getting engaged 4 months in is itself a massive car crash with red bunting draped over it.

That he was actively trawling for skirt while married AND living with his partner... not even slightly separated...

And you've been married twice already? Seriously though is this a mental health issue? I'm not trying to be nasty but have you been assessed for mh issues? The only way I can think that you'd think this situation was OK in any way was if you were in the middle of a manic episode.

What an absolute train wreck of a situation. There's nothing salvageable here. Kick him out and get yourself some counselling.

Costacoffeeplease Sun 24-Jul-16 18:43:46

You've known him 4 months, and he's moved in and you're engaged? On what planet would this ever seem to be a good plan, even without him cheating, you both having children etc?

HermioneJeanGranger Sun 24-Jul-16 18:56:17

I feel sorry for your DD, his ex and his son.

Your partner sounds horrendous. You are just as bad. You carried on seeing him knowing he had a partner and a toddler at home. You let him move in with you and your DD after five weeks. You're engaged after four months.

And you wonder why his ex is furious? You helped tear her ENTIRE world apart. Disgusting.

MsStricty Sun 24-Jul-16 19:00:00

It's not going to work; you are not living in reality, though reality is starting to dawn on your partner given his symptoms.

Instead of investing in someone else, how about investing in yourself and trying to understand why it is that you find yourself here, feeling this way, so soon into a wholly unfeasible situation?

Best of luck flowers

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