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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

i know i need to leave, please help.

(13 Posts)
icedbun38 Sun 24-Jul-16 13:58:12

I need to leave, last night was an example of what happens most weeks

for last few days he has shouted at me and 2 dds aged 17 and 7, 17 dd is autistic. tues, wed and thurs night he shouted, on one of the nights prob 2 hrs, last night, sat night, he started an argument with dd 17, saying he hoped she cut her leg, as she had not noticed some pieces of acetate i had washed in the bathroom, she replied with well i hope you hurt yourself too then

he said he was being helpful and went off on one and slammed door and spat, little one got under a blanket on the sofa and started crying so i said why do you have to be like this making us unhappy every day and its been a few days of shouting now and you should just leave for good, look how lo is crying, hes said im pushing them by mentioning it and its my fault lo is crying as i said something about his shouting and im giving them a bad attitude and pushing them to cry ie lo and answer back ie dd 17
also he said that big one does not have autism just rude when she replied back to him i hope you hurt yourself too

anyway he went upstairs and took the 6 sheets of acetate with the sharp edges, i was at the bottom of the stairs after saying my piece and h lobbed them all at me, they damaged the plaster quite bad and scratched me, only thought after that i was lucky they didnt get my face or eyes as so sharp,

ive reacted badly before so i went to sit on the doorstep, he then said oh yeah so neighbours can see you, i opened mumsnet actually and felt guilty for not comforting lo but had i gone back inside fully i was scared of escalation., so the front door is open and im on the doorstep so he pushed the door with such force, it slammed into my back and i fell over onto my knees and the slammed shut.

I got up and was angry so i kicked open the front door with one kick and sat back down exactly where i had been no words

he said look what you are doing, so i said yes im opening the front door so i can sit here and get some fresh air and look what you are doing, thanks for slamming it on me and hurting my back

he went upstairs saying about go on do something bad, call the police go on, he got washed dressed and came back down, pushed past me and said hes going
he then said dont ring or text me (in the past i have after an argument to geet some resolution)
i said i wasnt going to
2 mins later he came back pushed past me said forgot his lighter then went again

lo came and had a quick cuddle and i said go wash and go to bed, dd17 was going up too so they were together talking
i went in to the sofa and closed the front door
he then rang and said he was coming back to talk where were the girls and was i still on the step

i said three times im in and girls are upstairs and he was shouting at me to get off the step not listening
i hung up

he rang again finally understood im in but i said i didnt want to talk to him, he hung up

he rang again and talked telling me listen, he talked for 30 mins, i did not listen but held phone away but i could hear him saying i had problems and the girls and me bad attitude and other snapshots
he then said am i listening so i said yes and he said why did you say leave for good, i said i said stop shouting everyday and sort yourself out or leave for good or words to that effect before to him

he said okay im coming back to pack my things
so i said see instead of sorting it it your doing that run away little boy
he hung up

he rang again he said im rude for saying that to him, i said at least i listened when does he listen and instead of accepting and being better he just said instead ok ill pack my stuff after blaming me in his previous 30 minute rant, happy i didnt listen

he talked again but i honestly cant remember what was said
i went upstairs got ready for bed and got girls sorted, i was on edge and so were they, its an awful atmosphere
i slept with the light on as was scared he would come back and stab me as i slept

he didnt
he rang at 5.40 waking me up telling me to open the front door
i did
i let im in and he slept on the sofa
i went back to sleep wondering if i would wake again but i was tired

he usually sleeps on the sofa if ive disagreed with him or upset him and slept there after the previous nights shouting at me and the girls

he also shouted at me yesterday sat am as i left early in the morning to go to my mums who is unwell, it was on the pretext that i took her to her appts but really just wanted out of the house and to do things with the girls, he demanded to talk to lo and shouted at me i was lying and not where i said i was and unfortunately that minute she was not with me so it did look like i was lying

he shouted some more down the phone and i said im going.

he went to my mums banged on the door but no one answered to him

a few hours later i went home anyway and he did not mention a thing about any of this not a word and so i didnt either, peace and quiet when it comes is too valuable to upset

then the sat night happened

it now sunday lunchtime and hes just got up and me and girls are getting ready to go to my mums house partly to help her and partly to escape

im just so tired and sick and i could continue but heres what i need help with

i own the house bought before marriage
hes left before and legally has another address from that time but he doesnt like there its a shared house, that was 2012 and 2013
finanaces are totally separate now due to financial abuse
my sticking point is many times he has said he will burn me and the house if i leave, he said he will kill me and i believe him

also his family are all abroad and i feel guilty depriving kids of ever seeing his family again as if i leave it would be get up and leave, pack my stuff and go
i wouldnt be bothering with court and access and such as i really feel hes too dangerous and part of the reason im still here is better the devil you know and keeping him close and doing what he wanted was easier than looking over my shoulder

a few weeks ago he pulled a knife on me as i was crying in the kitchen after an argument, he said i was crying to make him look bad in front of the lo, the door was closed but he opened it, pulled the knife and grabbed me and did all this with lo aged 7 looking in through the now open door,

his excuse was i was crying in front of her, yep the door was closed, he said she could hear me so how much worse was the knife incident in her full view i dont get him, i know hes unhinged

she started to weep really loud unpleasant so he put the knife down and left the room to get his coat on, i saw red at her crying it was so primitive like wailing and i followed him saying well she really crying now, i was also still crying, his smug face pushed me over the edge so in the hallway as he was getting his shoes on, i said yes just go, get out, he looked at me and i snapped i slapped him a few times round his face, and shouted get out go, and i opened the front door and pushed him out.

i then put the chain on and comforted dd.

he after this said i was the abuser
many times after abuse and him breaking and throwing things at me or pushing ive broken things like a mirror and one time a light, so he nows says im as bad as him, ok so he shouted at me for sometimes up to 3 hours no exaggeration and spoke loudly and called me every name under the sun or talked walked away and repeatedly this 5 or 6 times but when i snap im the aggressor

i read about gaslighting here in mumsnet the first time i had ever heard this term and that was my light bulb moment , i need to leave but how

how do i leave and not be killed, i seriously believe he will kill me if i go or get caught trying to go, i planned i will pack up lock stock and barrel next time he goes abroad to visit his family, but that means moving town, just got autistic dd 17 a place at college which has taken so much arranging for the correct support etc, how can i move to an area she doesnt know, my mum is also ill, starts chemo soon and just had a breast removed as in two weeks ago

im so trapped its unreal

if i move away how can i help my mum, its so bad

police have attended the house a few years ago but i said nothing, the phne was on during an argument, and daughter had dialed 999, i truly dont think i should involve them as it escalates him and an injunction would not stop him, and he would do something to harm us

i think moving is the best course of action but how when , should i, what about his family, my mum?

sorry this is so long, i typed this up and ive got to go out out now but please reply if you can and i will read them and reply when i can thanks

icedbun38 Sun 24-Jul-16 13:58:54

sorry that was longer than i thought

Costacoffeeplease Sun 24-Jul-16 15:05:01

If he's violent and aggressive, threatens you with a knife and it's your house, can you not call the police and have him removed?

MadisonMontgomery Sun 24-Jul-16 15:16:29

I would change the locks, pack up all his stuff and leave it outside, and if he does or says anything threatening ring the police. I assume you aren't married?

FleursDuMal Sun 24-Jul-16 15:17:00

I think you know what you have to do to protect your kids. No man should come before their safety and security, no matter what, they should not have to endure this dreadful abuse and nor should you. And it is dreadful, your youngest has seen this man threaten you with a knife op, that is really scary for anyone let alone a seven year old. (Is he the father of your DC?) He needs to leave and stay gone, and asap.

FleursDuMal Sun 24-Jul-16 15:26:52

They are married Madison OP I suggest you call the police and talk to to them about these latest physical attacks and do not let him return to your home. You have a choice in this but your DC don't. I think you know the answer to this but need to act with more urgency. Your DC must never witness this violence again.

icedbun38 Sun 24-Jul-16 15:54:03

dd17 is not biologically his, i was a single mum till we married nearly 10 years ago, he been around since she was 6 nearly 7 and he has never understood autism.

if i call the police he will escalate, so ive never chosen this option, i didnt accept the emotional abuse was abuse at first and yes i see its bad, and the aggression and breaking stuff, and pushing, he is escalating i feel it, hence ive planned to leave lock stock and barrel, but im just seeing if i had other options, any

he will not listen to an injunction, i refuse to parent under an agreement as he will have access to the girls without me and does not understand autism and is mean to them and harsh, he'd be worse if i wasnt around

i keep reading of courts giving men like this access and i find this so unreasonable, im around, im their buffer, i take them out and limit contact and he goes out to work, what happens when he gets access by himself a weekend for instance and im not around, i doubt access would be supervised.

what happens when i change the locks and police remove him and he comes and sets the house on fire, i believe him when he says he would, he has said it enough times, he says if you think im bad now, try to leave and you will see what bad truly is, is it words to keep me in my place? i

if i thought so i would leave in a split second but statistics show that abusive men become more dangerous when the spouse tries to leave so i dont think im being scared for no reason.

Shizzlestix Sun 24-Jul-16 16:17:52

Phone Womens Aid for advice. Change the locks, put all his stuff out. He can fight for access, but maybe he won't want it. He has no rights over your 17yo so won't have access. Call 999 if he threatens or comes near you. Get an injunction, he breaks it, he gets arrested. You cannot carry on like this, what a horrible life for you and your DCs. sad Get a better front door if you can kick it open so easily.

Sendmylove Sun 24-Jul-16 16:51:14

You need proper advice about how to leave or get him out safely. Even if you called the police during one of his horrible rages they could arrest him or take him away but they can't prevent him coming back if he lives there (this happened to me - they told me to go to a solicitor to get him out permanently as it was a civil matter.) Or you would have to call the police each time he came back and kicked off (again I had to do this.) Once the police even made me leave confused.

I know what you mean re the injunction - yes it made my ex worse too. Men like these think they are above the law. They don't care about the consequences anyway.

Phone women's aid and get a plan together. You know it will be dangerous if you kick him out or you tell him you are leaving.

Re child contact I can't see how he would have contact with your 17 year old as she is not his but also she is old enough to decide if she wants to see him or not. Get legal advice re your little one.

It sounds horrendous op. Keep safe.

icedbun38 Sun 24-Jul-16 19:53:51

thanks everyone

sendmylove, i will make contact with womens aid, i did email before but chickened out, ive been minimising and thought it wasnt worth it or id change my mind and yep he has no respect for police or authority so legal means just aggravate him

i should move and i know ive stayed too long, im a shell, no energy to fight and arrange visitation, etc

yep dd17 would have nothing to do with him but lo loves her family abroad, dd 17 would also miss them lesser though as finds it hard o bond with anyone (autism), but lo chats with them most days on facebook webcam, i feel guilty about family but im waking up and thats his fault nnot mine.

Jayfee Sun 24-Jul-16 20:46:25

Knowledge is power. Contact wa and find out as much as you can. You deserve more happiness and support good luck

Jayfee Fri 29-Jul-16 23:20:56

How are things going?

Chelazla Fri 29-Jul-16 23:36:40

Please keep every one posted that you're safe. This sounds horrendous. Please act urgently X X X

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