AIBU to be feeling resentful?

[summerblonde]

My DP is self employed and works 7 days a week. He often leaves at 7:30am and the last few weeks hasn't been getting home until after 7pm.

We have a DS (5). My issue is whilst he does work so hard, I do everything else in between, I work full time, leave the house at 8am and get home about 6pm. I do the school run and pick up everyday, I do all the washing, ironing, cleaning and cooking. In December we moved to a larger property and trying to keep it clean and tidy is like a moving beast, I can't keep up! In the time we have been here, he has not cleaned a bathroom toilet, vacuumed, put a load of washing on NOTHING! On a Sunday, he wants a lie in, like today for example he is still in bed whilst I have been downstairs with DS since 8am. He likes to relax on a Sunday, which usually involves him sitting on the sofa all day. Unless I ask him to do something specifically.

As the morning goes on and on I feel myself getting more and more resentful by the time he emerges I generally just feel peeved off and annoyed. This morning I have been up tidied the kitchen, done a load of washing, hung it out, made breakfast and vacuumed the lounge. I have asked him for more help around the house but I occasionally get 'does anything need doing?'.I feel like saying just look around and use your brain, why do i have to issue instruction? If you see dirty dishes, wash them!

Any advice? AIBU? I appreciate he works hard - but so do I.

[Creatureofthenight]

Could he take responsibility for some specific chores so he has to do them every week (or however often they need doing)?

[Creatureofthenight]

Oh and YANBU!

[SandyY2K]

It seems like you're both working very hard at the moment.

Could you maybe get a cleaner to help out, otherwise you are at risk of burning out with everything on your plate.

I can understand you feeling somewhat resentful, but if your DH works 7 days a week till 7pm, he probably feels drained by the end of the day.

Do you manage to get any quality family time at all?

Perhaps have a calm talk and tell him that it's getting so much for you and see if he has any ideas on how to resolve it. This in addition to suggesting alternatives to him.

I said a calm talk, because if you leave it too long, it will not be calm and you'll have so much resentment, which leads to mentally checking out of the marriage, at which point you just trug along and neither of you will be happy.

[summerblonde]

Thank you. I was thinking maybe I am, he works a lot, but i don't think he is being fair. Possibly, I could maybe ask him to clean the bathrooms and hoover upstairs once a week. We have had 'words' about this before he says 'just don't do it' as if! Ok, so we will live like tramps then?! So if i don't do it it doesn't get done. Normally I go and ask him to get up..today I just can't be arsed... it's nearly midday fgs.

[summerblonde]

Thank you SandyY2K.

Yes we are both working very hard at the moment. I have suggested getting a cleaner in once a week, but he won't even go halves to pay for it. And why would he when he's got me! We do things as a family on a Sunday sometimes, he will occasionally make us a roast dinner and we will play games with DS, just spend time together. The last few Sunday's though, I have just been taking DS out on my own otherwise we wouldn't go anywhere on a Sunday, he wouldn't suggest we all go out off his own back.

We have a week in Greece booked in a few weeks. But yes you are right, I feel like I am already mentally checking out, like today, not going up to get him up, if he wants to stay in bed fine, I can't be bothered saying the same thing over and over again. Thank you for your sound advice.

[Creatureofthenight]

He works a lot, yes, but so do you!
Don't understand going halves on a cleaner - won't that come out of the household budget? Could you sell the cleaner idea as freeing up time for both of you to spend with DS?
Is it a busy time in DH's business or is this normal?

[summerblonde]

His job trade so I think he likes to grab the work whilst its there. He has spent about 6 years trying to building up his business/customer base and after some really tough times it starting to come good for him.

We put an equal amount in to the house each a month which covers everything, I think he just doesn't want to part with an extra £15 a week!

[Gizlotsmum]

I've learnt when asked if anything needs doing to give my DH a job.. He won't notice what needs doing but is happy to do it.. So I will say 'you could put a wash on, or the washing up) I have given up on him cleaning the bathroom...

[summerblonde]

Hi Gizlotsmum, yes I do fine if I ask, he will do it.
He has finally emerged, he said he didn't realise it was so late. Okay whatever. He said he will go a look at my car which as been making a strange noise. Think he knows he has taken the biscuit this morning,

[SandyY2K]

I can relate to everything you say, including the money for the cleaner. My DH would also say "just leave it " in reference to a job that needed doing. That translated to leave it for now, stop moaning and do it when you're ready.

Whereas I wanted him to say "no worries, I'll do it".

I've long since realised that doesn't work and have to use my damsel in distress mode.

My DCs are older now so that changes a lot, but I sometimes think by being so able, too much was left to me and I did become very resentful, which nearly killed our marriage for me.

We're in a good place now, but I'd do so many things differently and discuss so much more before marriage if I could go back in time.

[summerblonde]

SandyY2K... Yes I agree, on hindsight maybe I should have set my stall out a bit sooner of what I consider a partnership. I'm torn between not wanted to cause a row and not saying anything, which just causes such resentment, not a nice feeling to carry around. If I do broach the subject I'm accused of nagging, which to me is a total cop out! It's an easy and predictable thing to say. Or the best one is 'I'm obsessed with tidying'. I can assure you I am not! I just have a healthy level of cleanliness and pride when it comes to the home I live in.

[Joysmum]

Fuck tgat. I had this with my DH. I'm afraid I got tough with him.

I told him I couldn't give a shit about money or a job and that he was fucking up his family relationships and if it went on much longer it would be irreparable.

In addition to that, he lost both his patent before he was 40 and I laid it on thick reminding him of the guilt he felt because he'd not spent time with them as he wanted to in hindsight.

The only thing he could come up with was that he was worried about delegating at work. I told him he was a shit manager then because his team should be good enough not to need micro-managing.

...then I stormed off!

Then I left it a bit and went back and said sorry and told him I loved him but missed him and this wasn't what I signed up to.

It worked. He's doing more normal, but still unpredictable hours.

[summerblonde]

Thanks for that Joysmum. You are right.

I did the same on Thursday, just had enough! I feel like I am totally taken for granted. I don't even think he notices the house being clean half the time, I think he is just used to it. Anyway we had words, once I dropped DS of breakfast club I called him on my way to work and gave him what for, Think he could tell I have had enough. Just feel like I am a work horse. Grafting all day, get home, barely take my coat off and i am preparing dinner. I can't say today has been any better either. He is a great Dad but today DS was pottering in the garden washing pebbles, bear in mind I had been up since 8am this was about 3pm. I said why don't you go and sit in the garden with DS and get involved. he said no thanks, I said well he will be 16 before you know it and you will wonder where these days went. In the end I went outside with DS.

[Thomasisintraining]

We write out a job list of everything we can think of that needs doing and divide it. Tbh last year DH ended up, in theory, doing much more the list but that is because he never ever does anything outside of it, cleaning the fridge, the oven, buying kids clothes etc etc so it makes sense that he does the more day to day stuff. We also have a cleaner which helps a lot.

[Jayfee]

It is so hard being self employed. Could you consider cutting your hours. As his business is getting better, agree that you will work less for a couple of years and then he will have to cut back. It sounds as though he is working too much at present, but my husband was like that. Although, if you want a cleaner just tell him you need one. I would find having a cleaner more effort than benefit, but that's me.

[gleam]

I wonder whether he's actually working until 7 pm. Don't trades knock off around 4 pm usually?

[MammouthTask]

No no please do NOT cut your hours, esp as you are not married.
Why should YOU reduce your hours, have an effect on your career/pension etc, have less money etc because HE can't get his arse up??

[MammouthTask]

And I doubt he will cut his hours back. I say that as a self employed person. You can choose the hours etc... And he us clearly choosing more hours rather than his family.
That's not going to change.

[Whathaveilost]

I wonder whether he's actually working until 7 pm. Don't trades knock off around 4 pm usually?

You're kidding right?

As some one who has a self employed husband in the trade it can go well into the evening. The other garages and the like may close but there is still stock ordering, books, involves etc to be done, especially if you are a one man band. I often just randomly bob down to the unit to see if DH need a bit of company or something to eat and it's never a 16.00hr clock off. Saturday's and Sunday's are better though and not as long.

[summerblonde]

Thanks all, I appreciate the feedback.

I have absolutely no doubt that he's working. He's a grafter through and through. He's good at what he does and it in demand. He see's it as building a future for us. He works hard and it comes from a good place. As it is his business he likes to work to/get ahead of schedule.

I did work part time until DS went to school. I changed careers to do what I studied at university. The role is full time 08:30 - 16:30, with no part time option. Like DP, I did this to better our future and so I was satisfied within my working life. Plus, I like to be able to pay 50/50 to our living costs. I like being financially independent it's something that is very important to me.

I guess I'm just after bit more support around the house, if I worked part time I would happily do the lions share, but I don't and it's not sustainable to carry on at this pace.