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Asleep, not asleep? Violent behaviour.

(43 Posts)
Lovemusic33 Sun 24-Jul-16 08:24:03

So the other morning I attempted to give dp a cuddle in bed, usually he cuddles me back, this time he pushes me away, shouts abuse at me and then tries to get out of bed, I stop him and then I'm so upset that I get up and sleep downstairs. I spent yesterday not talking to him ( he was out most of the day ), assumed he knew why I was upset as his behaviour was not exceptible. Last night we were still not talking, I took some sleeping pills as my back was hurting and I went to bed, got up this morning and he has waked out ( lots of texts on my phone which I hadn't seen ), I message him this morning explaining why I was upset and he says he can't remember a thing her than me getting out of bed.he has be known to sleep talk but never has he physically pushed me or shouted at me in bed, he's usually really effect innate and wants to be extra close to me. He has been stressed out lately too. I feel upset as he spoke to me like a piece of shit, it hurt sad. So was he asleep or awake? How do I forgive him even if he was unaware of his behaviour?

He has been known to lose it and shout but he has never physically hurt me.

AyeAmarok Sun 24-Jul-16 08:37:13

I think he knew exactly what he was doing and is now gaslighting you.

Doesn't sound like a good supportive relationship though.

ArriettyMatilda Sun 24-Jul-16 08:41:20

I can't answer for him. But dp tried to wake me up recently and I have no idea what I said to him and I vaguely remembered sitting up and punching him. He confirmed that I had and I was mortified. I have no recollection of wanting to or of having any control over my actions. It was worse because I'd asked him to make sure I got up after I got the baby to sleep and this is how I responded blush

GirlOverboard Sun 24-Jul-16 08:43:54

How was he acting around you yesterday? If he was really asleep at the time, then presumably he would have been incredibly confused at you blanking him and would have been asking a lot of questions?

branofthemist Sun 24-Jul-16 08:45:29

I can't tell the answer . I can't tell you that my sleep talking has progressed into walking and thrashing about. I scared the shit out of dh last week as I thought I was being attacked. I have also said some fairly nasty stuff.

I have a doctors appointment this week. I feel bloody awful, really really shitty.

Mine is worse when I am stressed. Just lost my grandad in fairly traumatic circumstances. Doesn't stop me feeling shit though, especially when I have no recollection the next day.

It's really hard as I know dh was upset, but it's not something I intended to do or things I even think.

Luckily dh is reassured that I don't intend to hurt and believes me. Our relationship is a good relationship.

But he is also reassured by the fact that I am willing to go get help, now it's put him in danger of being hurt.

Also this happens maybe an average of once every 18 months-2 years. Not weekly and has only been verbal before. Dh didn't think I needed medical help at that point. Now we both agree that I do

canyou Sun 24-Jul-16 08:46:27

Only you know your DP and what he is really like but yes people can say or do something they never would in a dreamlike state.
My DP once attacked me police called etc. All he can remember is the dream and then the police being there (DP is a soldier with PTSD) all sorted now but I am careful how I wake him and I watch for signs of over tiredness in him as it affects his sleep quality and causes nightmares.

branofthemist Sun 24-Jul-16 08:46:30

then presumably he would have been incredibly confused at you blanking him and would have been asking a lot of questions?

not always. If someone is sulking, I often leave them to it. Maybe ask once, but definitely no more than that.

Sendmylove Sun 24-Jul-16 08:47:26

When you say he has walked out, what do you mean? Stormed off? Left you? Gone out for a walk?

It sounds like an extreme reaction.

I think it depends what he is like during waking hours.

Lucked Sun 24-Jul-16 08:53:56

As others have said you know your partner best and any traits they might have.

If this happened with my DH who is never aggressive and violent I would expect him to be mortified and apologetic. I imagine I would forgive but not forget ( not that you could).

Lovemusic33 Sun 24-Jul-16 08:55:16

He was out most of yesterday (with his daughter ), he text me like he usually does to tell me he was on his way home, text me to ask if I wanted him to join me ( I was out with a friend ). When he got home we hardly spoke, probably because I was sulking, he didn't ask me why, I assumed he knew why and I was getting angrier as he did not apologise for his actions.

He is childish, I mean why get in your car in the middle of the night and drive off ( he drove over 100 miles away and now won't be back for hours).

Lovemusic33 Sun 24-Jul-16 08:58:09

He never asked me what was wrong, if he did then I would have told him, I assumed he knew what was wrong because to me it's pretty obvious.

He has been going through a thought time ( I can't go into details ), he hasn't been sleeping that well and neither have I, the night before he was talking in his sleep with his eyes open, took me a while to realise he was asleep, it was only when he started talking a load of rubbish that I realised.

sueelleker Sun 24-Jul-16 08:58:47

My husband suffers from REM sleep disorder. This means that where most people don't move while they dream, he 'acts out' his dreams. He dreamed he was having a fight, once, and punched the wall behind the bed! He now takes prescribed benzodiazepines at night, and has no problem.

Lovemusic33 Sun 24-Jul-16 08:59:51

Sendmylove, he stormed off in the night, he was downstairs, I went to bed as my back was hurting, I took sleeping tablets, he text me before storming off but I didn't get them as I was out of it on sleeping tablets, I didn't get the messages until 7.30am when I woke up.

BastardGoDarkly Sun 24-Jul-16 09:06:07

If he'd been sleep talking the night before, it sounds like this was sleep talking/walking too.

Why didn't you just talk to him instead of sulking in silence?

AyeAmarok Sun 24-Jul-16 09:09:04

You sulking and waiting for him to ask you what's wrong is really immature.

You should speak to him about it in the morning like an adult.

Sulking is for toddlers.

Lovemusic33 Sun 24-Jul-16 09:14:55

Because I thought he was awake and I thought he knew what he had done wrong sad, his eyes were open. He looked at me, he shouted at me and he pushed me, I didn't consider that he was not awake. He does have a short temper, a few weeks ago he chucked his phone across the room. He has never physically hurt me but he does have a shot fuse, his behaviour was not totally out of character. I assumed he would have know what he had done wrong so why would I have to tell him?

canyou Sun 24-Jul-16 09:15:44

He may remember or he may not but he may also think it was a dream, this is what used to freak my DP out the not knowing was it a dream or did it really happen, his idea was say nothing and hope it was a dream. I know say to him You did or said x, or z last night what is up? And he knows then it is real.
Tal to him, sulking achieves nothing but gurt and anger over something that a quick chat would have cleared.

PurpleAquilegia Sun 24-Jul-16 09:18:42

You both sound pretty childish, tbh - you for not asking him what the fuck he was doing once he got up and spending the day 'not talking to him', and him for storming out in the middle of the night rather than asking you why you were sulking. Is that normally how you communicate?

Wrt to the actual incident, nobody here can tell you whether he was asleep or not! If he was sleeptalking the night before with his eyes open, has known form for regularly sleeptalking, is usually very affectionate and is currently going through a stressful time (which is known to exacerbate sleep disorders), then I think the question is more why wouldn't you think he was asleep? confused If my DP did that, then I'd immediately assume he was asleep or ill because he'd never do that when awake, and he doesn't have previous form for talking in his sleep.

SanityClause Sun 24-Jul-16 09:20:50

Not speaking to him was a mistake.

If he didn't know what he had done, then waiting for him to apologise was pointless. He can't apologise for something he can't remember, after all.

He had been talking in his sleep the night before, so, under those circumstances, I would have given him the benefit of the doubt.

Of course, if he is putting you in physical danger because of his sleep difficulties, he should see a GP.

Having said all that, the driving off in a temper is just childish. You would both benefit from working on communication techniques.

jelliebelly Sun 24-Jul-16 09:21:47

Sulking and waiting to be asked what is wrong is a very childish response / if you'd just told him what was up you could have avoided all this drama!

Texting somebody who is asleep upstairs and then storming off because of no response is equally childish on his part.

You both need to communicate as adults.

Lovemusic33 Sun 24-Jul-16 09:23:43

He wasn't here most of yesterday, when he was here he just sat glued to his phone or sat down the garden on his own. It's not the first time he has stormed off, this has happened 3 or 4 times ( maybe more ), usually he asks me what's wrong. This time I thought it was obvious what was wrong but maybe it wasn't sad. I think I am more angry at the fact he walked out in the middle of the night ( again ), I told him last night I was in pain and was going to bed, he didn't say anything so I just went up to bed and took some pills.

He's now driving back, he's over 3 hours away, not sure where he went last night, this is what he does.

eyebrowsonfleek Sun 24-Jul-16 09:25:50

My son has night terrors. He sits up screaming stuff like "get away from me" while batting me away. About 20 minutes later he'll just stop and fall asleep.
The next day he doesn't remember a thing. I've worked out that this happens when he's overtired and stressed and if it happens it's about 2-3 hours after falling asleep.

Saying that, only you know if my possible explanation is clutching at straws and he's gaslighting you instead.

Lovemusic33 Sun 24-Jul-16 09:26:33

I know our communication is rubbish ( we both do ), I don't know how to improve it, I guess I have given up telling him what's wrong as he never apologises, nothing's ever his fault and he often tells me he's going to do things and he doesn't. When he chucked his phone across the room the other day he did apologise which is why I assumed this time he would too, I didn't consider that he was asleep.

Isetan Sun 24-Jul-16 15:55:07

Mind reading and ignoring each other aren't effective communication tools but given his past form, I don't blame you for assuming it was more shitty behaviour from him rather than something new.

Relationship self help books, relationship counselling etc may help but what won't, is more of this.

HermioneJeanGranger Sun 24-Jul-16 18:28:48

The relationship doesn't sound great, tbh. You both sulk, he storms out and he's recently chucked his phone in a temper. Neither of you seem able to communicate and he doesn't apologise.

What are his redeeming features?

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