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Should I have this conversation with my mother?

(6 Posts)
mermaid101 Sat 23-Jul-16 22:16:28

My mum is 70. I have always found her difficult. Since discovering mumsnet and reading lots of threads on here, including the stately home one, I have come to the conclusion that she has, at least, some narcissistic traits. I did not have a happy childhood and have a tense relationship with her.

She has managed to alienate herself from almost everyone in her life. She fell out with both her siblings who went non contact with her. They have both since died. Her friendship group, which appeared to initially flourish after her divorce from my alcoholics father about twenty years ago has dwindled.

She seems to very lacking in self awareness. She tells me how she behaves towards people and doesn't seem to realise that people won't like being treated the way she treats them. She told me today, that she had hardly seen either of her two remaining friends despite attempts on her part to contact them. She was clearly upset by this, but seemed more angry at them rather than wondering what had happened. One of these friends has been in her life since she was in her twenties.

So, should I try to broach with her what I think is the issue? Obviously, I could be wrong about this, but I think that my mum is quite critical, negative and judgemental and that people just distance themselves from her.

I don't think she would ever directly ask me ( she always presents and incidences like this as the other persons fault). I would have to bring it up myself. I could probably do it quite tactfully but, for her to take any notice, I would have to be fairly clear.

Has anyone had any experience of this. I honestly don't think she has any idea that this collective disappearance of people in her life could have anything to do with her. She thinks she is just really unlucky and eveyone "bullies" her or are horrible to her.

Neome Sat 23-Jul-16 22:26:31

Perhaps you could agree with her that she has been really unlucky and suggest supportive counselling.

Dreamfrog Sat 23-Jul-16 22:32:15

I dont think it would be of any use talking to her. If she has no understanding of how people could view her then she won't have the capability of understanding what you will be explaining. I think it will only make her feel you too are turning on her. Just agree with her and I feel leave it alone. But that's just one opinion.

youneeQuorn Sat 23-Jul-16 22:36:56

Given her age - no, I wouldn't have that conversation.

I'd want to though flowers

I have a difficult narcissistic mother who thinks similar things but it's done no good for our relationship me pointing any of it out.

I don't think your mother has the skill and capability you want her to have - to look at things differently and make a change in order to be happier and nicer.

I'm coming to terms with my own mothers behaviour by viewing it as a disability. My mum probably has a personality disorder. Just changing my thoughts to accepting she became the way she is through her own life experiences has allowed me to feel more empathy for her, and less guilty about the barriers I have to put in place to have any contact with her

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Sat 23-Jul-16 22:40:27

What Dreamfrog said. In spades. My mother has similar tendencies. Any suggestion that she is less than perfect is met with an extreme reaction, so nothing is achieved, and relations are even worse.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 23-Jul-16 22:42:18

I strongly doubt your words would have any positive effect at all. It's more likely that she will hold it against you and that wouldn't get either of you anywhere.

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