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Can you love someone without fancying them?

(11 Posts)
gemsangels123 Sat 23-Jul-16 19:22:59

Long story short.....
A long time single which has been 🙈 late 30's and 3 children/working/studying....absolutely broke! Emotional roller coaster really. Haven't had the greatest experience with men my whole life. Dad/step dad/exH.....
posted here alot recently about being super lonely.
I met a guy I wasnt hugely attracted to but he wanted to do absolutely anything and everything for me and my girls. After a few months I told him I didn't feel how I should and he met someone else. I was hurt, felt a sense of loss, missed him, but wanted him to be happy, he deserved it. Another year passed and I met someone who in fact wasn't that interested in me but I fancied him lots. Craved his company (not that he spoke to me much) The whole time I would think of this other guy and how lovely he was to me and how he wouldn't treat me how this new guy had been treating me which was quite poorly.
That ended after 6 months because he made me feel worthless then I bumped into this other guy who has now split up from his girlfriend. I have been out with him a few times. He buys me flowers, no second guessing, compliments me. Not a massive spark but I know he would treat me right and look after me and my girls.
My question is can you fall in love with someone without a spark. I know you can have a spark without love as I have experienced this.

Thethingswedoforlove Sat 23-Jul-16 19:36:01

You will end up finding someone with whom you do have the spark and who treats you well and this relationship will have to end. Pls don't do it, it just isn't fair on the other person or on you.

offside Sat 23-Jul-16 20:12:20

Don't do it. I spent the best part of my 20's with someone I didn't fancy, and looking back, and I don't even know if I really loved him. But he was safe, and nice, and treated me well. But it was wasted years and it came to a bitter end when I eventually told him. Luckily no DC and no marriage, but we did have a house together.

I don't regret those years as I wouldn't be where I am now, and I did learn a lot, but I wouldn't do it now, at my age (30's). I'm wouldn't waste a minute by settling, and you shouldn't either.

offside Sat 23-Jul-16 20:14:59

Not to mention it isn't fair on the other party. Incidentally, he got back with his ex which I predicted long before we split and when we split, not in a nasty bitter way but in a 'I want you to be happy' way as he had always spoken fondly of her and some of his friends regularly still socialised with her and her friends.

LazyCake Sun 24-Jul-16 11:22:11

I had a long and very satisfying relationship with a man I didn't feel massively sexually attracted to because we shared an intense emotional and intellectual connection - it was proper soulmate stuff, actually. However, I'd say in general no, without sexual attraction, it’s possible to develop a strong affection, but not romantic love. Were I ever single again, I wouldn't bother being with someone unless I was thinking about them constantly, longing to share my thoughts with them, and hugely respected their intelligence and character.

I think the fact you are posting here means you know in your heart-of-hearts this relationship is not going to satisfy you.

Whatever you decide, good luck.

Joysmum Sun 24-Jul-16 11:27:15

Plenty of asexual people love intensely without sexual attraction, as do those too ill or tired to be sexually aroused.

It depends how important sex is.

TheNaze73 Sun 24-Jul-16 15:17:27

No you can't

HolgerDanske Sun 24-Jul-16 15:22:10

No. If you love and care about them but don't fancy them then they're a friend, and if they fancy you it's wrong to engage them in a relationship.

You'll find someone who you can love and fancy, it's worth waiting for.

Joysmum Sun 24-Jul-16 15:50:34

As someone who was raped, I lost my sexual urges and didn't get it back until way after my relationship with my DH began. He understood.

With respect to those who state otherwise, they can only speak for themselves. I can categorically say they are wrong to pretend to speak to everyone.

Mine isn't the only circumstances where you can live without sexually attraction as I stated upthread.

Question is, love is possible without sexual attraction but how important is sex to you?

HolgerDanske Sun 24-Jul-16 15:56:05

Of course there are many people who live very happily in sexless relationships but I and others have answered in respect of this particular situation, as framed by the question.

OP has mentioned a man she did fancy, so for her the issue is not that she does not have sexual urges but that she does not fancy a man who she could choose to have a relationship with, because he fancies her. This would not be right tir her, and it also would not be right for the man in question.

Isetan Sun 24-Jul-16 16:11:09

If you are attracted to others then you aren't asexual, you're simply not sexually attracted to this guy. Be open and honest with this him and don't let him get the wrong impression of what's on offer because a relationship, wouldn't be just about you and your needs. If the roles were reversed would you be ok with not being desired by your partner? Don't let your loneliness persuade either of you into settling.

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