Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Anyone else with a Dp who just can't laugh at themselves?(85 Posts)
I'm completely sick of this horrible trait my Dp has. He just can't laugh at himself and it's making life miserable and waring.
I know these examples sound odd but I wanted to set the scene....
Years ago in a supermarket he picks up 2 deodorants....the lady at till lightheartedly says 'these are on 3 for 2, these men eh they never read the signs properly, go and get another I'll put it through and winks at him.
Dp 'no it's ok I only need 2'
'Are you sure you may as well have the free one'
'No it's fine'
I personally in what situation would have just chuckled and graciously thanked the assistant.
He cut someone up the other day in car, they honked the horn, I put my hand up to apologise he just came out with a few muttering re their awful driving. Their driving was fine.
Today a lovely day ruined, I finally put up a little tent which dd has being desperate to camp out in, I suggested we did that tonight. He goes to blow up the double air bed which does just about fit in. However he went to blow it up on the lawn metres away from the tent....
'I wouldn't do that you narna you won't get it through the tiny tent opening'
Mutters and miserably starts moving it.
I'd have just laughed 'what am I like' style.
He is so stubborn and seems to lack the ability to ever admit he's wrong, apologise or laugh at himself. It's making for a miserable existence.
Does anyone live with someone like this?
In other ways he's kind, generous, and nice. However, I really hate this.
Thanks for reading.
Feel slightly better now I've had a moan.
This is a joke, isn't it?
Your partner didn't join in with someone else making a sexist joke at his expense. Fair enough.
Your partner doesn't find it amusing when you undermine him or try to belittle him.
The thing is, you're not asking him to laugh at himself, you're asking him to collude in other people mocking him. Which he isn't going to do.
My DH and Ds are exactly the same. They can dole it out though but can't take it. Major source of strops!
I've been with somebody like this and it was painful. So painful. I know your examples above might not be perfect but I know exactly what you mean.
There was a time we'd been in a queue at McDonald's drive thru for about five minutes. We got to the counter and my ex still didn't know what he wanted. I said to the guy, just give us a few more minutes, that five minutes in the queue wasn't enough for us to make up our minds and poked my partner and giggled (bearing in mind we're speaking through one of those machines so the guy couldn't see me poking fun so I hardly publicly ridiculed him and I'd said we, not him). He went crazy at me. Just could not take a joke.
I suppose it depends on what kind of person you are. I'm jokey by nature. I need somebody not so uptight. I'd be miserable in that situation again.
How does he ruin a lovely day? If it's just not joining in a joke on himself, seems you're overstating it. If he blows up or sulks, that's different.
My dh says I'm the same. I can't bear to think I'm being laughed at or look stupid. The deodorant thing is silly but would make me feel stupid as irrational as it seems. I hate failing and cannot even go bowling with my dh as he's better than me as I wouldn't want to look silly. He tells me frequently I can't take critisism but I don't like it particularly from him but I have aspergers so for me it's slightly different.
Don't forget that 80% of mumsnet seem to be the same OP so this thread might not go well!
I know exactly where you are coming from. DP makes jokes at our expense but is never wrong himself! I am a hopeless giggler when things go wrong and sometimes he does crack and join in.
My és was like this. He had self esteem issues.
Not only he couldn't laugh at himself, he gaslighted to be in the right.
It didn't end well.
Having said that, I'd have called that cashier what she said. She really shouldn't be patronising to customers.
I've had similar happen but they just ask if I'd like to pick up the third item. Sometimes I don't.
My dp can be a bit like this its annoying he takes a little jokey fun like a terrible insult he used to be very bad for getting the hump with people over daft things until I pointed out most people don't have people insult them regularly (except mn users) and maybe he should look at how he reacts. It can defo put a damper on a good day when someone is in a mood over nothing.
The other day we were talking about how to empty the birth pool the person we were speaking to said I hope your good at carrying buckets of water, I said that's all he does at work carry things, he took the hump that she was implying he is weak and I was implying his jobs so easy I told him to get over himself.
Thanks for replies
Will read them all
Just sorting out a 'camping breakfast' for dd.
I don't know if you picked bad examples but, I can't see your point.
If a male cashier had made 'typical women' comment no one would have expected anyone to find it funny.
If dh started interfering with me driving, I wouldn't be amused either.
The tent thing is kind of meh, but to be honest it actually sounds like you like to comment on things he is doing quite a lot.
I don't see any of this about laughing at himself.
I would have been annoyed at the first one too. There's no need for the patronising and sexist comment, just: 'These are on 3 for 2, would you like to get another one?' The second one I would have been annoyed at you apologising on my behalf. But the third one I definitely would have laughed along with.
I think some people are just more sensitive or easily embarrassed than others. It's part of his nature and you can't change it. If you don't like it then leave.
I am someone who does not handle teasing well: I was bullied a lot in my youth and I remember how small digs eventually became bullying, so I quickly get defensive, even when it's from my nearest and dearest. Maybe I am wrong in doing so, but I think teasing and mocking should be done sparingly (if I had my way, not at all), and only done if lots of nice things are said as well.
I'm working on accepting small teases, since it seems to be a fact of life, but there are some times when I really will not tolerate being mocked:
- While I'm doing DIY or housework, especially if I'm doing it as a favour to the person concerned. A common tease is "haven't you done it yet?" one minute after I've started. If I'm doing the job for you, you should be thanking me, not fucking mocking me! I have once actually left a job unfinished in retaliation to this.
- Being undermined in front of someone else, as in the supermarket example above.
- If everything that comes out of one person's mouth is mocking me in some way.
I'm more prepared to take teasing if I hear nice things as well. But sometimes when someone's in a "teasing" mood, and everything said is laughing at my expense, this is not on as far as I'm concerned.
Perhaps if people have a right not to be catcalled, family members have a right not to be mocked... opens can of worms...
I think its not so much what people said but the reaction with my dp its his reaction that's the problem. Sometimes in life people say daft thoughtless things or even mean things if everyone of these comments leads to a bad mood it can make life unpleasant. For example the deodorant thing he refused a free one instead of admitting he missed the sign it wasn't about the woman being rude or sexist it was about her pointing out a 'fault' with him.
With ex, the inability to laugh at himself extended to having to always be right even when he was wrong.
Teasing is a different category. I don't like teasing unless I know it's well received. And certainly very restricted in time.
If on the receiving end, there's a definite window of tolerance. Long teases easily cross to bullying.
I am like your dp. I dont like teasing of any kind. It's not funny, so why should I laugh?My DH does it quite a lot and I hate it. It's not insulting, just low level stuff, but I think if you hear it a lot what you take away internally is not a joke but an underlying feeling that the other person thinks you're a bit stupid etc. Especially if like me you are very literal in your understanding of life and the things people say. My family growing up never teased so it's not something I really came across much until marriage.
I don't get the point in teasing at all. It doesn't make the recipient feel good. Why do it? I actually feel really strongly about this and being teased makes me feel really negative because I know I have to hear the 'joke', endure it and then potentially be accused of having no sense of humour.
And the Boots lady was clearly making a sexist comment. I would have reacted exactly as your dp in that situation.
Sorry the examples aren't great, It happens so often over the years I just notice it more now, stacked with other issues we've had, I find it irritating. That's probably wrong, but I'm the opposite. I have always found it easy to laugh at myself and admit when I'm wrong. My DM never could and as a child, I always hated it.
Good to hear examples also from the other side of the fence, dp is also extremely stubborn which doesn't help either.
It's not teasing, just a reaction as in 'you narna' etc. Certainly nothing equating teasing or bullying.
OP, in what way did the tent thing 'ruin a lovely day'?
Was it that your DH went into a sulk?
Or was it that you took his reaction so personally you couldn't get over it?
Can see there's an issue but no way of knowing from what you've written where the actual problem lies.
But if you have been with him years and you know he doesn't like it. Why do it?
You may be ok with it, but we aren't all the same. I am more likely to call myself daft when I do something without thinking. But I don't expect others to do the same.
It's low self esteem. See above posters too who say they are like this...low self esteem.
Join the discussion
Please login first.