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Think I am suffering from depression or is it my partner doing this to me?

(5 Posts)
littleme2675 Sat 23-Jul-16 18:19:17

hello, I am looking for some answers as I feel my head is going to explode with too many things which aren't adding up in my head lately. Either that or I need a stiff whiskey to help lol!

I am in my early forties and my partner in his late forties. We get on so well, never really argue apart from when it comes to sex. I am very or thought I had a very high sex drive until I met my partner and when first having sex, he took forever to climax and pretty much was handling himself well when single around 5 times a night if not around that he told me as well as porn. I am sure his death grip didnt help nor the porn. He mentioned his ex was pretty awful to him in the past and use to withhold climaxing so she wouldnt get pregnant as he didnt want to have children and she did apparently. This may be the reasons why we had problems at the start.

So, since day one, not climaxing, taking ages and us being in bed for hours was a somewhat strange feeling for me, also very draining too and ended up myself getting angry as not understanding and thinking it was my fault here or there was something wrong with me or him, just didnt know as it went on for months.

We had to take breaks of no sex, we tried different plans, different things, even vitamins, but still it was an issue and felt he couldn't really relax. I have never encountered this before with any exes or encountered feeling this way.

I was quite quiet when we first met and so was he I guess, we were so in love and like I said got on so so well. During the months together, I was still thinking, am I not enough for him? he would suggest all different toys, then would go into anal, strap ons etc and for me, I felt it wasn't something I wanted or wanted to experience with him as it made me resent him. However I tried and didnt like and felt somewhat prudish, weirdly in all my last relationships I have never tried toys, or anything of the sort really just had great sex and not needed it, but with him its like he needs that and admitted he kind of has an addiction to sex too but then said he was only joking. Other times he said it was me, then said he was ok with just sex alone, so i never knew what was right or wrong or are we just not compatible?

He use to say he didnt like to spice things up, then changed his mind, but then was someone else in bed like he wasn't being true to himself or me.

I have found, we cant just have quickies which I love as he takes forever and I have to wait around 3 - 5 days so he is climaxing where its not too long, but in-between because we aren't doing it everyday he is now w*nking more and its making me feel something is wrong with me or we are just not compatible anymore.

I have lost my sex drive too, which again isn't me, but....I fancy other men or notice men more and want to engage in conversations with them, which trust me i am not the unfaithful type. I find my partner latches on to me all the time and my family and friends can see he is just a lovely man but perhaps I may be too out there socially, yet sexually he is definitely more out there than me. He has no friends other than me but since being more distant he is seeing his family more and making new friends which is great.

I feel lost in myself as we are now sleeping separately as well as selling the house and going separate ways because i am wanting time alone, seeing friends, starting new hobbies which I love and getting a life I never had without him. we use to be with each other 24/7 and it was lovely, he admits I have changed and I have but overnight since moving house with him and feeling like i need to find myself.
Also, not wanting sex with him has made me think differently, like I lost my confidence and want it back and doing these other things is making me feel good again about me if that makes sense. When I come home to the house we have together, I feel this overwhelming depression come over me, yet when I leave the house I am fine or if i am seeing others it goes away.

So is it him who is making me feel low everytime I come home and I just want to be away from him or am i depressed? I cant figure out what is wrong as i have never felt this way around him before or felt this way about a house too? I am constantly angry around him, only him, nobody else.....

I have a great job, love my friends, go to the gym weekly, eat well and yet feel this way around him....

My parents are in their 70's and worry about them leaving me or dying, strange I know but its more my worry since now being single again, I never use to worry when i was not single or when we first dated....

thank you for reading....I think you will need a headache pill after reading this...hope you can help, sorry its a little all over the place...


gamerchick Sat 23-Jul-16 18:27:04

It doesn't sound as if you're sexually compatable which has lead to total breakdown.

Maybe it's time to part ways.

littleme2675 Sat 23-Jul-16 18:29:18

Yes that what I am thinking, its like I want it desperately to work as we get on so well, thats no joke yet it is like I am settling for something which isn't me or I feel comfortable with and its only just started since we have this house together more so..he mentioned he will go and see a sex therapist but not sure what this will entail or if it will help if we are so different? It is like i have lost my libido and everything for that matter, thank you for your reply!

Petal40 Sat 23-Jul-16 18:33:01

Gosh,that's a lot of info...doing things you don't want to in bed ,is bound to lead to resentment and lack of sex drive..he clearly needs to see a counsellor about his sexual issues from his last gut feeling is he is dragging you down.and he went in to a relationship with you before he was mentally ready

littleme2675 Sat 23-Jul-16 18:39:31

Yes I would definitely agree there Petal40 he kind of admitted he had low self esteem when we first met because of the ex and hasnt the same confidence as me, but since I have been with him, I feel drained, low and well no sex drive at all, I am just out with friends this weekend and feel I want to look nice all over again and feel good for me...He is willing to see someone but I think the sex issue may have many issues from his past perhaps Im not too sure!

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