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I have no quality of life.(52 Posts)
Sorry, wasn't sure where to post this?
I've had terrible PMT this month, but I've resolved that my feeling so sad, despondent and emotional is more than my hormones, but that my hormones make it harder to manage my everyday life.
I realise that I have no quality of life at all. I have two children, work full time in a demanding job, with a long community. Elderly parents, one with cancer and a DH who is little more than useless.
I barely see my children because of work, but have to earn what I do to pay mortgages & bills, which mostly I do alone because DH refuses to do anything other than be self-employed which means sometimes there is money and sometimes not.
I earn a good wage, but can't afford to go on holiday or move to a better area where the kids could go to a better school. I spend weekends chasing my tail. Housework & helping my parents.
I never go out and feel like my friends/cousins have all become closer, holidaying together etc, while I can't because they are financially more comfortable.
I suffer from such parental guilt, that I am not doing the best for my children& I am a terrible mum for always being at work.
I just don't know how to fix this mess which is my head and life, but I do know that I am exsisting rather than living. Any tips would be gratefully received. Thank you.
Thank you - Yes I know. It is an ongoing bone of contention.
Wait for a while and see if this passes with the PMT - often nothing can change but your outlook and then everything's rosy again.
Oh and by working you are setting your children a great example xxx hugs xxx
What would your situation be like if you:
- lose the deadweight husband
- downsize your home
- see what benefits you get as a single parent
What is the point of him in your life exactly?
You do have a lot on your plate don't you. Unfortunately no-one is going to step in and rescue you apart from you so although I know it seems overwhelming to even think about it (I've been there) I'd suggest that you try and look at some small changes for your benefit.
I really wouldn't worry about being a working mum. I worked stupid hours until my children were in their teens. It was normal for them and they didn't care and actually don't really remember that fact. Children only remember how you are when you are with them. Mine sometimes suggest I should be working longer hours in a proper job (I work from home most of the time now) so that tells you how bothered they were!
You don't seem to have any time for yourself and TBH I think that is a real need. Your DH can babysit. What would you like to do? A gym class would be good for you and a great stress reliever but basically anything you like to do. Al least once a week, preferably twice. Diarise it and make it sacrosanct. Don't ask permission just say "I will be out Wednesday nights from now on". Men who are the main earners never seem to have any problem claiming their right to desire time, women should do the same!
Build plenty of small treats into your days too. Lunch in a park, hot baths with a scented candle, whatever floats your boat. It doesn't have to be expensive.
Longer term, I'd also be looking at making your working day easier. Commuting is very draining and expensive and working locally would make your life so much easier. I recognise you may live in an area where you have to commute but in that case could you plan to look for a job where you don't have to go into an office every day?
No rush but start putting together your CV based on your transferable skills. What do you do at work? Do you manage people, problem solve, deal with customer complaints? Whatever it is, it is all skills which can be used for many jobs, not just in your current field. Read the job ads online and mentally try some on for size. You don't have to rush into anything, it's all about starting to open some doors in your mind and it will make you feel better just realising all the skills you do actually have.
Don't hesitate to think about how those jobs could be done differently either. Most employers still think you have to be in an office to work, but with technology as it is, that is just not necessary in most jobs. People I talk to for work have no idea whether I am in an office or sitting at home with my laptop on the sofa.
Wow, thank you - amazing advice and virtual hugs! **RiceCrispieTreats I have a very modest home, there isn't really anything to downsize to, and I am not entitled to any benefits. Losing the deadweight husband would definitely make me richer, I am not sure my children would be happier though as they love him very much. Essentially there ^^is no real point of him most of the time. He does pull his weight around the house but it's the reliable earning he doesn't seem to be able, or want to do. **Mum2bomg do you suffer from PMT? I never used to! **ImprovisingNow - brilliant advice thank you. I love my job and in my field I am very lucky to be working where I currently am. However my employers are not flexible at all and it is a fight I have lost many times, they are obsessed with having bums on seats as such. I will dust off my CV, i would be very lucky to find something local but it would be nice to work somewhere more flexible. Xxx
The2ATeam big hugs. Are you parents entitled to any kind of help in the community at all? If you are close to family, maybe its time to say you need a bit of support here. As for your DH, you need to speak up and tell him he needs to pull his weight or sod off. Yes, your kids love him but he can still be a good dad just not in a relationship with you. I also think Ricecrispietreats is bang on with her advice.
Another one here to second getting outside help for your parents. Are MacMillan involved at all? Or try AgeUK for advice on claiming any allowances and employing good people to help. My FILmwas absolutely against carers but has someone every morning now for an hour and it's been amazing. They do anything at all within reason and he enjoys the company. We use Home Instead which are award winning.
And yes, dh needs to man up or ship out.
Hi, thanks. Parents are not entitled to anything. They're OK for company but it's their cleaning, washing, shopping and admin that falls to me. I am also their only child. I will give Macmillan a call though. Xx
I am a little bit past all that now but I remember when I was younger thinking that my PMT was sometimes a bit of a truth-teller. I always tried to listen to what PMT was telling me!
I read your original post cos I think quality of life is an interesting/important issue, especially when we (women) have families.
I can see that you could make some changes. But I can see also that there are things that are harder to change or you don't want to e.g. because you enjoy your job, which is great, not everyone can say that.
One thing that does strike me though is the role of your husband in all this. He really does need to step up to the plate. Is he fine with seeing you drowning like this (genuine question)?? Maybe you need to have a long talk with him, I mean seriously, he expects you to get on with paying most of the mortgage and bills and then do housework at weekends?? Is he doing more than his share of chores since only working sometimes??
I hope Macmillan can help you too, sounds a good idea ringing them.
sorry just read you say he does "pull his weight" around the house. But that you need more £ coming in so you can afford stuff like holidays and going out, which is fair enough. Is your DH happy to be in this financial position i.e. never go out or go on holiday?
Are you sure your parents aren't entitled to anything? Go onto the Age UK website and look at benefits there. My parents both received weekly payments after cancer/accident and they had no idea they'd be entitled to anything. It paid for a cleaner and a gardener as they couldn't do those things themselves.
Thank you **FallingSnow. He's not bothered at all about holidays, going out or doing stuff. He just says 'we cant afford it.' Which is ironic because the reason we can't is because of him! I think he is well aware I am drowning but it is easier for him to bury his head in the sand. We have talked about it before and the result was him promising that he would earn s consist wage, however we slip back into the same routine. Although he always has money for cigarettes.
If he is self employed is there any way he could earn a better income from it? (I'm sure you've already thought of all this) How about advertising through Facebook, leaflet drops, calling contacts etc. A business that doesn't contribute in any meaningful way is not one that's worth pursuing - it's just a hobby. He sounds like a right cocklodger.
Please look into getting some good quality carers for your parents. Shopping, cleaning and laundry are all exactly the kind of thing they do. That would leave you with admin and possibly some nice time together. You say they aren't entitled to anything but they sound as if at least one of them would be entitled to Attendance Allowance which is still, I think, not means tested. Do talk to Age Uk they can help with form filling which is absolutely vital as they know how to phrase things correctly.
Your parents may not like this but no matter,myou cannot continue.
I'd ask for your parents to be assessed by adult social services. You need to make it plain that you are not in a position to offer them continued support and that they can't cope alone - if they see a glimmer that you will pick up the slack you will get no help.
Failing that, do they have funds to pay for a private carer even for an hour a day? I did this for the last five years of my mum's life and TBH they were wonderful.
The DH thing is harder. I know what I'd do, but it sounds as if you want to keep things going for now. At the very least he needs an ultimatum (followed up in writing by email) that he needs to start pulling his weight financially because the toll on you is too great.
Could you move to live nearer your work?
Thank you all so much. I've found out this afternoon that mum is entitled to attendance allowance! That's amazing and I have already suggested it's used on a cleaner, which she agrees with! **ImprovisingNow I work in Central London, so unless a lottery win, can't be closer to work, but I am going to give thought to another business case to ask work to allow me to work more flexibly. X
I'm so glad she'll get attendance allowance. It'll make a big difference if she can use it for a cleaner.
The thing is, your problem isn't work! Working flexibly will probably chase as many problems as it solves. You are doing fine by your children, as long as you can slot in a bit of time with them at he end of a long day and be there. Don't whatever you do give up the thing that is going well just to run around after other people. Your DH show,d be doing that if he is intent on being self employed and earning jack shit.
I would like to spend more time with my kids though, like I never get to pick them up from school. I won't give up work. I enjoy it and I am respected. I just don't have the balance right, and yes I agree DH should do more running if he's not earning.
Getting mum a cleaner will make a huge difference for me. I spend hours cleaning her house!
Not sure if this is relevant, but I get such bad pmt that I take medication energy month. It's been diagnosed as pmdd. Worth a google/chat with your gp as the medication has changed my life! I struggled so much and questioned my entire life once a month
Either way, I can see you have a lot on your plate and can really relate to a lot of what you've said! I hope the cleaner makes a nice difference for you
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