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Leave or Wait to be Left by Unfaithful & Ungrateful Spouse?

(47 Posts)
thefamilywarrior Sat 23-Jul-16 00:36:43

Hello beautiful people, I'm pretty much new, be gentle

My Wife (30) and I (33) are having the toughest time of our 7 years of married life. I love her with every single breath and will put nobody/nothing above her - she knows this so well. She however appears to have fallen out of love for me. She's got some issues from dating phase: depression, low self-esteem, etc. But I made her a promise I will always stand by her and I have ever since against all odds. These issues have become manageable and we've been blessed with three lovely kids (2, 4 & 7 years of age). She got her first job in forever and it looks like we can both finally combine our income into the dream house. Then, things started to fall apart. She met a guy at work and threw all of her emotions and care on him within a month, at my expense (she stopped caring and started avoiding communication). I found out about her intimate and emotional but not erotic messages including those proving the guy was why she's been returning home late and absent minded when I take her and the kids out. Her first reaction showed she's ready to let go (like this guy she's only met in a month meant more), she said this is the end of the relationship, etc but she later on apologized and claimed I'm all she wants.

Things however don't add up ever since. I have lived everyday of my life since that day loving her 100% and lavishing all my love and care - she only does chores like once in 2 weeks for fun - I've got it all covered. She on the other hand had been more distant, trying to create conflict and fights. She shows complete lack of care, love and interest - it's like I am begging for her love everyday. Once she gets any stress element (even from work), I am her emotional punching bag. She'll start saying things like 'I hate being married', 'wish I waited till I was more mature', etc. I will spend the rest of the day trying to figure out how to make her life better.

I have lost my trust in her as she has repeatedly broken it (although I have no proof she's taken a man to bed, taking all the emotions and care meant for me to someone else in such short time of meeting wrecks me). She was googling if she's got herpes the other night and I was wondering from who. She still gets alone in the car with this guy and expects me to suddenly accept that her crush is now just a friend. This is a lady that made me give up watching a PG-13 movie because there were ladies wearing bikini in them (she's that controlling and selfish). She can't give up her special friendship with her special friend who's now all over her with attempts and utterances as well. Don't want to bore you with all the details. The problem is I am fed up of the selfishness, lack of consideration and rejection especially the daily fear of the uncertainty of how long we'll be together for.

I worry about my kids and from her conversations with her mum, that's the only present reason she's still with me. The problem though is that I am not functioning 100% at work/business which will affect the same kids I am trying to protect on the long term provision-wise. Should I press my own exit button and move on or wait for her to complete the shock? This has intensified for the past 8 months and she would not attend counselling.

I will be glad if anyone can help me with tips.


mumndad37 Sat 23-Jul-16 01:31:42

I think you will feel better if you move on - better yet, ask her to move out. Waiting for the axe to fall by her hand is giving her all the power in the relationship, and I can't see how that would be healthy for you. As she is the one who is spending her energy elsewhere, I think she is the one who should move and have you and the Cs stay in the family home. Just my two cents.

Rubberduck2 Sat 23-Jul-16 06:13:56


You are wrapped around her little finger and boy does she know it.

This is not a normal relationship. She is taking the piss out of you continually as she takes you for granted.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's awful, but you need to find your self respect and walk away from her.

You'll probably find that she will be begging for you back within weeks.. And you will have realised how much happier you are single!!!!

Also this is not a good environment for your DC.

Best of luck mate.

thefamilywarrior Sat 23-Jul-16 08:47:11

Thanks for your advice people. I really want to save the marriage but I've been the only one interested and trying and my strength's exhausted. She's talking over the phone to a friend last weekend about if some symptoms she's having are STI's and she's been looking it up the Internet as well. That just intensified my worries

Rubberduck2 Sat 23-Jul-16 08:55:44

It takes 2 to save it and she has checked out.

Who would openly have that conversation in front of their OH!?

Honestly, she has lost all respect for you and knows she can do anything she wants because you will let her. Literally anything.

Shizzlestix Sat 23-Jul-16 15:17:39

And you're sitting back and letting her do this? I cannot understand why you are not throwing her skanky bots out onto the street. You poor man sad Please think of yourself and your poor children and kick her to the kerb.

Sn0tnose Sat 23-Jul-16 16:49:05

If I discovered that my DH had been wondering whether he'd contracted any sort of STI, then he would be out on his arse.

I know you want to try and save the marriage, but you'd only be able to do that if she wanted to save it too, and it doesn't sound like she has any interest in doing that. It sounds like she's met someone at work, he's given her some flattery and she's fallen for it and convinced herself that he's the key to the excitement that's been missing in her life.

All you can do now is make sure that you and your children are ok. Make an appointment with a solicitor and get some advice about where you'll stand with the house, custody etc.

thefamilywarrior Sun 24-Jul-16 00:38:46

Thanks guys,

I'll definitely get a solicitor to see how things could pan out.

It's easier said than done though as I'm still crazily in love with this girl. I can't believe I can still forgive anything new she's done as long as she comes clean and genuinely wants the relationship.

But everything she does or does not do/say shows she's out of love and won't change

SandyY2K Sun 24-Jul-16 00:49:09

● She doesn't respect you.
● She's not showing love for you.
● She regrets marrying you when she did
● She's having an emotional affair at the
very least.

Never let anyone treat you with such little regard or next she'll be having her OM round to your house for dinner.

Time to knock her off that platform and stop tolerating her crap.

thefamilywarrior Sun 24-Jul-16 12:37:41

Thanks Sandy, everyone of you have helped give me courage that I'm not crazy to think it might be best for me to do the actual kicking since she's kicked herself out of my life in every other way.

I find it more annoying when I'm avoiding every girl throwing themselves at me at work and other places because I fancy no other attention or person save my wife who I truly love. Then find out she didn't think about me, the marriage or the kids when throwing all that's meant for us on another man.

Seeing how ugly, fat (saw his picture) and unambitious this other guy is makes me think it's deeper than that. A guy that still shuffles the night between his parents and friend at 40ish (can't get his own place). It appears more like my wife's just not into me and any man is all it takes for her to mess around. Her long time off work now appears like a blessing in disguise.

I guess I just need to face the reality that it's practically over, man up and do something about it.

mortgagefreesoon5 Sun 24-Jul-16 13:17:36

Move on, but get shared custody of the children if you can, so you don't miss out on your kids/don't have to pay her maintenance. Get all your ducks in a row, speak to a solicitor, look at your finances, take copies of all important paperwork, make sure you delete your internet history, look around for a home ( if you decide it's best to move out) and then tell her what it's going to happen. Whatever you agree get it in writing.
Enough is enough. She doesn't respect you op.
You deserve better!
Take one step at the time, don't get overwhelmed with things to far ahead, just one step at the time, things WILL get better.
Look after yourself

thefamilywarrior Sun 24-Jul-16 20:04:12

Thanks mortgagefreesoon5,
You've given me a very practical advice in terms of my kids and financials. I was planning to take the kids Monday to Friday and she can have them weekends. That way, she won't struggle with childcare and I get to see my kids every evening and morning on weekdays. That'll also help ensure I spend money and time 100% on them. My mum's been helping with school runs for a while now and they're very fond of her.

madgingermunchkin Sun 24-Jul-16 22:09:55

Personally, I don't see why you have to move out. Your wife has been having the affair, pack her bags and tell her she's out.

Jayfee Sun 24-Jul-16 22:28:52

I thnk Relate might help...for you both to go. I also think you might need to withold your love a bit. You start your post so full of lve, but I think you need to hold back a bit. I have the best husband but I can be emotional and he is very balanced. This sometimes means my emotions get carried away more than they would with a less loving tolerant husband. Hope that makes some sense. Good luck.

Jayfee Sun 24-Jul-16 22:33:33

Seems your wife is emotionally a lot less mature than you, so I would rememer that for some, love is a bit like elastic...if you pull away from her, she will be more pulled towards you. I would not give up quite so quickly. But if by the end of August things are not great, then I would arrange to separate.

pinkandstripey Sun 24-Jul-16 22:36:09

Have you been checking her Internet history and listening to her phone calls?

thefamilywarrior Tue 26-Jul-16 00:08:08

Thanks madginger, I'll rather the peace of giving her shelter than not having a clue where she'll sleep (not that she can't afford it now that she works).

Jayfee, we tried that but only managed one session together, and that session exposed a lot about her heart and thoughts which she's not uncomfortable about. I wish I can ease off and withdraw but I'm just not wired that way. As long as she's still my wife, I'll still care that much.

Pinkandstripey, I came across some of her messages and browsing history which led to the first ever confrontation months ago. I randomly out of curiosity to see if there's any genuine change of heart/mind check.

Jayfee Tue 26-Jul-16 08:55:18

I really wish you well in your situation. You sound like a wonderful husband and father.

madgingermunchkin Tue 26-Jul-16 18:08:25

Thanks madginger, I'll rather the peace of giving her shelter than not having a clue where she'll sleep (not that she can't afford it now that she works).

That is her problem, and a consequence of her cheating. There is a difference between being a decent man who cares, and someone who lets themself be taken for a mug. Don't be the latter.
She has had the affair and ended your marriage, and you think you should be the one to move out and suffer financially trying to pay for a flat of your own and half the family home bills?

Missyaggravation Tue 26-Jul-16 18:48:10

You remind me of my ex hmm by smothering and controlling and checking up on her you are pushing her away. By putting up with her crap and enabling her she has lost all love and respect for you, that's what it sounds like anyway. Have you ever googled co-dependency?

If you absolutely want a chance to save this I would give her space, trial separation sounds like a good option. Good luck

BastardGoDarkly Tue 26-Jul-16 18:57:27

She's been shagging someone else op, no question, so you need to man up, and draw the fucking line.

Don't do the 'pick me' dance, it won't work, and will tear you to pieces.

Not sure about having the children mon-fri and her weekends? That just means you do all the boring homework/school run stuff, and none of the cool, weekend hanging out, stuff?

Bite the bullet (once your ducks are in a row) best of luck.

SandyY2K Tue 26-Jul-16 19:11:09

Betrayed husband's often say their WW
had an affair with a short, fat and baldy man ... these men who shower them with attention. It's all about getting their ego stroked and is full of fantasy.

Of course the men can't believe their luck when a younger pretty woman falls for their charm.

OP - you're a good man and a good woman will love and appreciate you,.but don't waste your time with your wife after total disrespect for you.

madgingermunchkin Tue 26-Jul-16 21:29:18

You remind me of my ex hmm by smothering and controlling and checking up on her you are pushing her away

That's a bit unfair Missyaggravation. I doubt very much you'd say that if this was a woman investigating her husbands affair.

thefamilywarrior Thu 28-Jul-16 02:11:48

Thanks Missyaggravation.Wwhen you're spending your whole life building a lifetime with someone that hinted he/she is untrustworthy, it's not a bad idea to get to the root of red flags. If it becomes a reason/excuse for such to leave (pushing them away), then I believe such a person didn't commit deeply in the first instance.

Thanks Bastardgodarkly, Sandy and Madgingermunchkin.

I'm just making my exit preparations: I've had my full share of rejection, unfaithfulness and ingratitude. The Monday to Friday advice makes sense, I'll need to rethink that bit.

Somerville Thu 28-Jul-16 02:25:14

You can't just decide when you have the kids and when she does, and who stays in the house and who rents a flat - all of that will need deciding. Ideally together, quickly, and if not then the courts will decide.

You need to focus on co-parenting with her now, it's clear the marriage is over.

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