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Someone Tell me to just get on with it!

(26 Posts)
DiamondInTheRuff Fri 22-Jul-16 16:59:56

I'm planning on telling DH I want to separate tonight. I was resolute this morning but have wobbled more and more as the day goes on.

I'm starting to think I might bottle it...

Hotwaterbottle1 Fri 22-Jul-16 17:31:43

I won't pretend it's easy as its not but after I did it I felt so relieved. It's just starting the conversation. I don't know how I managed but just took a deep breath and did it.

coco1810 Fri 22-Jul-16 17:32:23

There's a whole new life out there for you, do you want it? Or do you want more of the same? This must be making you feel that unhappy you want to end your relationship/marriage. If its the former, go for it. Only you know that. Good luck 🍀

DiamondInTheRuff Fri 22-Jul-16 17:35:51

Oh god I want it.

But I also think if we split now, spend some time apart, he has some space to work on his problems, it might - MIGHT be salvageable.

I have a 3 year old and I'm 34 weeks pg. Part of me thinks I'm absolutely nuts but he doesn't help and he's getting verbally aggressive. Things won't get better as they are.

coco1810 Fri 22-Jul-16 18:00:20

No you need to do this then, you need to be able to spend the last few weeks of your pregnancy and the first few weeks of your baby's life in peace and security. Not be exposed to verbal abuse.

Do you feel intimidated by his behaviour? Can you get someone to be with you when you tell him.

DiamondInTheRuff Fri 22-Jul-16 18:04:50

I don't think he'll get aggressive tonight. He'll panic and beg me to stay, promise to change etc.

It's going to be tricky as he controls all the money so I'm relying on my dad to help me. He has some properties he rents out so I'm hoping I can go to one of them.

coco1810 Fri 22-Jul-16 18:14:03

Let someone know what's going to happen so they can check up on you later. He won't hold the purse strings forever. Have you spoken to Women's Aid or CAB? Good luck, let us know how it goes.

DiamondInTheRuff Fri 22-Jul-16 18:24:41

Tbh I've not mentioned it to anybody in case I chicken out! And most people I know think he's perfect and would try to talk me out of it. hmm

mumndad37 Fri 22-Jul-16 18:28:02

If you talk with your dad first, could that help you to feel calmer? Was just thinking I'd want to know I could land on my feet....

DiamondInTheRuff Fri 22-Jul-16 18:44:18

Tbh my dad's the worst for trying to influence my decisions, I need to present it to him as a done deal. I have a back up plan if he won't help me (although I think it'll be fine).

Maybe I've not prepared enough... But I need to do it now, whilst the latest incident is still raw enough to give me an incentive. If I leave it I'll end up kidding myself that it was the last time.

weekendninja Fri 22-Jul-16 20:27:31

You must tell him. If not tonight, it must be tomorrow. You cannot still be in the same house as a verbally aggressive partner when your baby arrives. Not only will it be a dangerous situation to be in, it will also be harder to leave.

Give yourself five minutes to gather your confidence and tell him. flowers

weekendninja Fri 22-Jul-16 20:28:51

Also, you can never prepare yourself enough. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and just do it.

MonicaLewinskisFlange Fri 22-Jul-16 21:02:54

I'm in similar place OP. Still gathering courage. Wishing you all the best.

Might it help to tell us the recent incident. If you write it down it might have more impact and therefore incentive to you?

DiamondInTheRuff Fri 22-Jul-16 21:04:56

I'm SUCH a coward.

I was all set to do it. Even muted the TV so he had to listen.

I ended up giving him an ultimatum and 4 weeks to do some things. (see GP about depression, give me full control over finances, blanket ban on swearing in the house).

I just want the man I married back. sad

Am I being a fool?

DiamondInTheRuff Fri 22-Jul-16 21:08:13

Sorry you're in this position too Monica. I briefly posted yesterday. He was shouting and swearing and I had a panic attack. DS was there and very upset.

He apologised. He's never apologised to me for anything before. I've told him that the 4 week "deadline" immediately ends if he loses it like that again and he is to leave. He agreed to that.

It just makes me so sad. The man I married was so wonderful. How did we end up here?

IAmTheBadOne Fri 22-Jul-16 21:46:08

I know exactly how you feel. my relationship is so up and down I don't know what to do anymore

I Wish the man I married was back..

Good luck and I hope it will work out for you - looks like you have a good plan

MonicaLewinskisFlange Fri 22-Jul-16 22:12:08

Sounds like we are all in the same boat. And the same threads!

I have been compiling a list of reasons why my marriage is over and I want to split. It's very cathartic. I probably won't show DH, it's just for me to remind myself. I forgot about the panic attacks I have had in the past due to DH blowing up at me. Thanks for that. It's going on the list! It's getting longer and longer. It includes massive lack of support and causing me stress when I had a life threatening illness. Twice. And of course EA for years. And being a shit dad. It's all in the list!

MonicaLewinskisFlange Fri 22-Jul-16 22:17:33

I've had a huge epiphany lately. He is not going to change. Ever. Even with therapy, though it might help him be a better person and father. I can't fix him. He is not my responsibility. I don't have to put up with this shit. I'm better off on my own in peace rather than constant war. I can cope without him. I have to protect my children above all else. He is a narcissist and that is not my fault, it's just the way it is.

Thanks to lovely MNetters giving me help and support. I'm just working up to telling him. Hope that will be soon. I'm repeating the mantra above. You might want to borrow some of it. smile

IAmTheBadOne Fri 22-Jul-16 22:22:44

I must say that sharing it with others all really helps and puts things into a perspective. I am not as brave in real life, I mistrusted an ex-friend in the past..

Monica - where do you draw a line? How long the list was for you in order to say - that's enough...?

MonicaLewinskisFlange Fri 22-Jul-16 22:24:54

I hope your partner makes the changes you want OP. Experience tells me you are being optimistic, sorry. I've had faith in my DH to change for MORE THAN 25 YEARS. I've been a total mug.

MonicaLewinskisFlange Fri 22-Jul-16 22:27:48

Actually, it was him telling me our marriage was dead that was the game changer. I thought, yes it is. And I don't want to fix it any more. We haven't done anything about it, and he is making an effort (small).
The list came after. It helped me focus my thoughts. I'm still adding to it. It's my own therapy atm

MonicaLewinskisFlange Fri 22-Jul-16 22:30:27

This is all very recent. I'm waiting wavering because he agreed to attend therapy.
I've been in pieces for weeks but am gaining confidence. I just need to work out the logistics or ducks in a row as I have learned.

DiamondInTheRuff Sat 23-Jul-16 05:50:10

25 years is a really long time to wait. Hopefully I'll have the strength to stick to my 4 weeks!

My list is long, too. I picked out the top 3 deal breakers. The ones that I can't tolerate at all any more. And when (if) they're sorted hopefully they will have a knock on effect on some of the others.

Monica do you have a date for the therapy yet?

MonicaLewinskisFlange Sat 23-Jul-16 21:28:49

Hi diamond. How have things been today? We can all count down the 4 weeks with you.

DH started the therapy already. Just.

DiamondInTheRuff Sun 24-Jul-16 05:38:50

Hi Monica. Pretty awful. DH worked all day lucky sod. Really don't think things are going to work for us, i hope you have a more positive outcome.

I've asked MNHQ to delete my account. Various reasons. I'll probably lurk a bit though.

Thanks for the support all.

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