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IM FREEEE (mentally at least)

(26 Posts)
FlyHighLittleBee Fri 22-Jul-16 16:23:08

P (definitely not D, now ex) started his usual shpiel on Saturday night after a drink, calling me a stupid slag/ disgusting whore etc and telling me nobody would ever want me or 'put up with my shit'. Threatened to knock me out, launched his phone at my head. I hadnt done anything - just didn't want to have sex with him as he only wants to when he's drunk which i think is degrading. I don't know what came over me, but I rang the police for the first time in 4 years. He left.

Loads of other issues - he has bipolar, but doesn't treat it properly. He smokes a ton of weed. Goes out and gets drunk every other day. financially abusive - will buy himself hundreds of pounds worth of trainers while I'm searching the drawers for pennies for a sack of potatoes. When he is home, he's so zoned out that he can't/ won't even have a conversation with me. Has massive anger issues that are always directed at me. Wouldn't dream of tidying up after himself, taking his cup to the kitchen, scraping his plate etc. He's so moody and negative about everything, which brings me down. I do end up moaning a lot which winds him up even more - that is so far removed from my personality usually, but I found myself turning into this moany, miserable girl.

I don't deserve this. Once my daughters in bed, I study till very late to ensure I get top grades at uni, so I can hopefully get a scholarship for a masters to qualify for my dream career. I recently got offered the most perfect job which will massively help me get to where I need to be. I raise our daughter pretty much alone. I've made sure we have a lovely home, and our daughter has lovey things - bought everything out of my student loan, even though he has much more money than I do. I'm funny, I think. I'm kind. I like to think I'm a good mum - although my only downfall was not leaving this relationship sooner - but I'm doing my best to rectify that now. He's definitely better looking for me, and has more money at present, but I can see now who was really punching above their weight - no matter what him or his friends might think.

I've been waiting to start a new job for 4 months now, I start in a week. So I can't afford the bills for me and DD for another month yet - so he's back. But on the sofa, and we're being civil-ish. Although I'm literally counting down the days and I hate him being here.

But I'm just so happy as there is no part of my brain that wants him back! It's like a mist has cleared. We've been here before, but I've always secretly hoped he'll say and promise the usual shit, which he does, and then I'll stupidly take him back.

But this time, I know I deserve better - and I know my baby DD deserves to see healthy adult relationships; God forbid she follows in my footsteps. I'm so glad I have gotten out before she is aware of it all (though she was out on Saturday night thank god - but he's kicked off at me before while she's been in the house).

I'm so so so excited for the end of August when he goes!! It's going to be so amazing - me and my baby doing exactly what we want, eating what we want, leaving the washing up for a few hours if I like, getting up and out spontaneously without cajoling and moaning at someone with a hangover; and most of all, not living in fear of the key in the door and what mood he'll be in tonight.

I'm so happy about it all, but mostly, I'm so happy that I'm happy if that makes sense? I've told my sister and one friend, and I can tell they both think I'll end up getting back with him. But I won't! Not for all the tea in China or a million pounds

I'm scared of telling my family and friends - they love him. Though I know they love me more. But it still won't be fun. I'm scared of being responsible for paying for all the bills etc - I'm never been good with money, but I'm determined to be better now it's just me & DD, and I need to be the one person in life she knows she can always rely on. I will never let her down again.

I'm 24. I hope I'll find true love one day, love like I read about on this board - normal and dependable love, with mutual respect and a steady and stable relationship for my DD to view. But I'm in no hurry. Even if nobody will ever want me again like he says, I'd rather that than be abused.

Don't know while I'm posting really. But it's been very cathartic writing this 

FlyHighLittleBee Fri 22-Jul-16 16:24:56

Oh my goodness! That was so long. I didn't even realise - thank you to anyone that even made it to the end blush

JontyDoggle37 Fri 22-Jul-16 16:29:38

Just this: Good on you, and follow through at all costs. Oh, and ask our family for short term help with expenses so you can throw him out now!

SandyY2K Fri 22-Jul-16 16:38:25

Congratulations on realising and detaching from his abuse. It's so sad that you are going through this at such a young age.

There are so many positives for you.

You're young
You're getting an education
You have a lovely DD
Your future is bright

Why have your family and friends thought he was nice?
Have you hidden all the abuse from them? If so, it's time they knew the real him.

Let your DD grow up to see a healthy loving relationship and not an abuser.

Well done and good luck with everything.

FlyHighLittleBee Fri 22-Jul-16 16:46:40

Thank you for your replies. I can't ask my family for money - they don't have much, and my rent is very high so it wouldn't be just a few hundred that I would need. I just have to suck it up for a month. At least I can see light at the end of the tunnel.

Yes, I haven't told them about it. I don't really want to - I'll tell my best friend I suppose, and my sister knows a lot, but my dad would kill him, and my mum would just get so anxious about it all that it's not really worth it. I'll wait until he's gone, and I'll just tell them that he was a bit of a twat in the end and there's not much point in talking it over any further.

But no, I will never ever ever ever go back there. Thank you for your lovely list of positives. I'll carry them with me smile my DD is indeed the most lovely human in the entire world not biased at all, she fills every day of mine with so much joy - I will get through it all for her.

FlyHighLittleBee Fri 22-Jul-16 16:47:57

Thank you for your replies. I can't ask my family for money - they don't have much, and my rent is very high so it wouldn't be just a few hundred that I would need. I just have to suck it up for a month. At least I can see light at the end of the tunnel.

Yes, I haven't told them about it. I don't really want to - I'll tell my best friend I suppose, and my sister knows a lot, but my dad would kill him, and my mum would just get so anxious about it all that it's not really worth it. I'll wait until he's gone, and I'll just tell them that he was a bit of a twat in the end and there's not much point in talking it over any further.

But no, I will never ever ever ever go back there. Thank you for your lovely list of positives. I'll carry them with me smile my DD is indeed the most lovely human in the entire world not biased at all, she fills every day of mine with so much joy - I will get through it all for her.

theansweris42 Fri 22-Jul-16 17:44:01

good for you. don't waver. you're inspiring smile

FlyHighLittleBee Fri 22-Jul-16 19:33:24

Thank you theanswer, I don't feel very inspiring ATM. Don't know how I could have been so foolish as to have stayed in this situation for so long. But at least I've seen sense now smile

Dutchcourage Fri 22-Jul-16 19:36:27

Well done ! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Dig deep now as here come the hard part! Sticking to it when he is 'sorry' and 'will change'

Good luck flowers star

SalemsLott Fri 22-Jul-16 19:38:41

Don't look back, just look to the future smile

SummerIsComing234 Fri 22-Jul-16 19:41:16

Hi so happy for you. But please think about telling your family I limited what I told mine which made it awful for me as they didn't just take my side and i ended up going back. Maybe just your dad on a promise he won't do anything and pointing out it would hurt your daughter more if he did?

At this point you need everyone behind you keeping you strong.

But well done smile

FlyHighLittleBee Fri 22-Jul-16 19:51:25

I will think about it! Thank you. He's just rang me asking if I wanted a takeaway hmm yet he knows I have no money to take our daughter to a party on Sunday. and it begins..

SummerIsComing234 Fri 22-Jul-16 19:58:06

Are you safe where you are or can he get back in? have you contacted anyone you know to come and be with you?

FlyHighLittleBee Fri 22-Jul-16 20:02:17

He is still staying here summer. I don't have much choice ATM as I can't pay the bills myself for another month.

AncoraAmarena Fri 22-Jul-16 20:08:38

Tell your parents now. And your friends. They love you and would want to know what you're going through. I did the same as you, kept my ex's behaviour from them all, thinking I was protecting them. When it finally came out it was such a relief and I got the support that I really needed.

Hope you're ok when he comes back tonight and good luck!

SummerIsComing234 Fri 22-Jul-16 20:22:49

Yes second telling everyone you need the support to stay strong

FlyHighLittleBee Fri 22-Jul-16 20:33:18

Ok. I really will think about it. My mum will just worry that I won't be able to cope financially and this means that she'll have to continually lend me money - so I'd really just rather wait until he's gone and I've started working and then she will be able to see that I am able to cope on my own. She is a massive worrier and I just can't deal with her stress on my shoulders tbh. But once he's gone maybe I'll tell her a bit more than I planned originally.

My dad, well he's a man of few words. I don't think he'd be much support either way, bless him. I adore him but he wouldn't say much if I did tell him, he'd just get extremely angry and it would make things very awkward at times when they had to be together eg DD's birthdays

But I'll tell my close friends, and my sister everything I've told you. And they are the ones who give me the most emotional support, so they will give me strength if I need it.

Thank you flowers

SummerIsComing234 Fri 22-Jul-16 21:05:34

That sounds a plan. But do message here to stay strong if you need to.

FlyHighLittleBee Fri 22-Jul-16 21:12:44

I will. Thank you flowers

FlyHighLittleBee Fri 22-Jul-16 22:38:18

Just poured my heart out to my sister. He came in tonight saying that he's sooo happy without me, yesterday his dad came round saying to me that he hopes we don't argue in front of DD.. I said to exP I had to hold my tongue and not tell him a few home truths about the way his precious son treats women. So he says tonight, if you had said that I would tell him it's all because of you -you've made me like this. I said I swear you were like it with your ex gf too. He said yeah that was completely wrong back then but you're to blame in all this. You're perverted. You've behaved like such a slag, and that's the reason I'm like what I'm like.

Disclaimer: when I'm drunk, I'm a bit of a twat. My friends will wonder where I am, and they'll spot me in the middle of a group of people (girls or boys) making best friends with them, planning holidays etc. blush I've always been this way. I'm young - i go out once a month (one day festivals, friends birthdays etc) and get hammered, nobody's harmed. My friends do it a few times a week, I do it once a month as I have a DD I put first always. But she's fine, having once a month sleepovers at my sisters or someone who adores her. Keeps me young grinI'm working on not getting so drunk, but it's not a big deal IMO. I've never ever ever even contemplated cheating on him.

But because of this, this is why he constantly calls me a slag, and why I'm to blame for the abusing. Usually, he makes me agree, but Saturday was the final straw as I was in with a few (girl) friends. There's no way even he could rationalise his behaviour this time.

The thing is though, he's got so far into my head that for months I've believed that I am partly at fault. Even though deep down I know I'm just an overly friendly drunk person, rather than a promiscuous sexual predator, deep down I wonder if my actions are to blame for all this.

But I took everyone's advice on board, and explained it all to my sister. She sent me the most lovely long message, and I'm finally beginning to realise that I'm not to blame at all.

When he says these things to me, I need to let them go. Say 'ok sure, whatever'. I won't scream, or cry. I just won't engage in the argument - that's what he wants me to do. And at the end, I'll be the one with a house, a wonderful career and education, a beautiful DD that can depend on me through anything, and hopefully a loving and respectful DP.

He'll end up back in a bed sit with a shared toilet, just as I found him. And when he does eventually find someone else stupid enough to put up with his shit, I'll have grown enough to not give a damn - except feel sorry for her, as I know as much as he's the best person ever at the beginning, give it a year and she'll be dealing with all this shit too. Who could be envious of that?

FlyHighLittleBee Fri 22-Jul-16 23:22:30

Sorry I keep writing essays blush

JontyDoggle37 Sat 23-Jul-16 05:28:57

It's good to get all this stuff down. I've seen other posters going through this detachment process dO the same, and on days when they've had a wobble, haven't felt strong or doubted they could do it, they've come back and re-read their posts and found their strength again.

GreenRut Sat 23-Jul-16 05:44:53

A friend of mine is going through something similar right now and she wobbles now and then. When you wobble, which you most likely will, keep at top of mind what an amazing thing you are doing for your dd. The greatest thing a parent can give a child, the opportunity to grow up feeling loved and secure, with a healthy model of what it is and isn't acceptable in an adult relationship. You see so many people on here and in real life who stay and i understand why, i've been there, but if you have the presence of mind to carve a way out, that's just amazing, very impressive and inspiring.

SummerIsComing234 Sat 23-Jul-16 10:42:32

Really glad you have told someone and have their support too smile

FlyHighLittleBee Wed 27-Jul-16 20:54:54

He's moving out on Friday! I can borrow the rent to cover next month. He's found a spare room with a friend. I'm over the moon gringringrin

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